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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I send honest reply?

17 replies

aliasname · 05/12/2023 10:39

My MIL means well, but is so narrow minded and egocentric. Usually I just ignore as I don’t think saying anything will change her.

DHs aunt has just been diagnosed with cancer. She doesn’t have any other family, so DH is next of kin. Last night he was on the phone with his mum for nearly an hour as she went on about the poor choices aunt was making, (eg. “I’m not sure she’s really thought it through about going private! I tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen!”) Bear in mind aunt was told about the cancer 4 hours prior…

i got a message from MIL to say thanks for giving aunt a lift home from hospital last night (aunt is SIL, so not actually a blood relative to her, but she likes to make it about her.) I should mention that she doesn’t like her, they have never got on and since FIL died a few years ago they have had little contact.

This morning I got message from MIL (clearly meant for DH, but since she texted me last night my number must have been at the top of the page)

another loooong rant “She will have to get a taxi to the hospital as she can’t keep relying on you for lifts! And she has to sort something out about the cats, I told her they might have to go but she never takes advice… She really needs to starts being sensible… she won’t though, she’s always been selfish…”

I really want to send an honest reply, although it would probably make things worse!

oh, AND she took it upon herself to message DD (who has been very ill recently) saying that DD was causing us worry, and we had enough on our plate!

Its not worth me responding, is it. Just reminds me of when DH was taken ill a few years ago, and I got long long messages about how it affected her. It made me so angry. I know she was lonely and recently widowed but my god she was awful.

i think I’m just going to ignore and concentrate on the aunt who needs our support (who is actually lovely)

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 10:45

It’s none of her business. Tbh, though, she’s right about cancer care: she’s much better off in an NHS teaching hospital.

Her cats will be a huge comfort to her. They provide company and release stress so tell your MIL to keep her beak out. Your aunt may live for years.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 05/12/2023 10:52

Oof, I would want to say something. I totally get why you would want to.

But yes, I suppose it's better to just shut up if it's not going to make any difference.

I would find it hard though.

Catandsquirrel · 05/12/2023 10:55

First thing, you won't change her. But her behaviour is disgraceful and repeated and yes, if you and DH are in agreement I think there is nothing wrong with letting her know it is noted.

You or he could reply and be very calm and measured and remind her that DA has very recently been diagnosed with a serious illness. All you want to do is support her, not listen to these petty diatribes about MIL. Say it comes across rather like she is making it about herself and blaming DA for her misfortune and you don't want to hear any more of her opinions on the matter.

DA is the current priority and that is that. You will decide what support you can and cannot offer and do not require her commentary or critique.

She may want to unpick why she herself can't offer more simple understanding and support but you are not interested in hearing about DA's perceived faults.

This crap all comes from some insecurity or unhappiness or whatever but it is so boring and immature and destructive. I'd give her something to think about rather than tolerate it. Drives me up the wall.my DPs mother is along these lines as was my DGM. Never a good word for anyone.

TeeBee · 05/12/2023 10:56

Oh, I'd be tempted to send a sickly sweet message to help her reflect on what a bitch she is. Something like 'oh, aunt can have as many lifts from us as needed as its such a difficult time for her and she's such a sweetheart'. If nothing else, it will irritate the tits off her.

12daysofchristmashell · 05/12/2023 10:57

Say nothing. She won't listen and it will escalate.

Manage is calmly and you will be much happier (although frustrated)

sprigatito · 05/12/2023 10:57

I understand the urge to say something, but you'll be pissing into a sieve. She knows she's transgressing the norms of human decency and any attention you give her for it will be grist to the mill. I would just ignore her comments; if she starts, just shut her down and change the subject.

Original poster

aliasname · 05/12/2023 11:28

Wow, I didn’t expect so many replies… this must be a common problem!

re. the post above about NHS vs private, you may be right but it is aunts choice. And the point was that MIL was not talking from a helpful concerned place, it was just criticism. Or maybe she thinks she IS being helpful.

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 05/12/2023 11:33

Don't feed her god awful behavior, ignore, ignore, ignore.

I'm so sorry about your husbands aunt.

Duh · 05/12/2023 11:46

“I don't believe this unkind message was meant for me”.

AgentJohnson · 05/12/2023 12:16

“I don't believe this unkind message was meant for me”.

This

I would make a point of reassuring DA that you love her and that you are there for her and if that were ever to change, that you (and no one else) would be the first to tell her. Implore her to ignore any negative voices.

Epidote · 05/12/2023 12:21

I would do the same as you. Concentrate on the person that need it now and leave the rating MIL on standby for a while.

Original poster

aliasname · 05/12/2023 22:51

Latest message “I still haven’t put baubles on my tree because of all this business!!!!!!!”

Note she has had to do precisely nothing, she doesn’t even like the aunt, she’s just offended that her ‘advice’ is ignored.

OP posts:

PieAndLattes · 06/12/2023 12:24

Just reply, ‘noted’ or ‘ok’ or even a thumbs up where appropriate. She’s looking for attention so she can have a good bitch. She probably enjoys a good seethe when you don’t respond.

Ghentsummer · 06/12/2023 12:30

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 10:45

It’s none of her business. Tbh, though, she’s right about cancer care: she’s much better off in an NHS teaching hospital.

Her cats will be a huge comfort to her. They provide company and release stress so tell your MIL to keep her beak out. Your aunt may live for years.

To be better off with the NHS you have to be able to get the appointments first. My mum has stage 3 and needs an operation - the waiting list is 6 months long. The aunt is best off wherever she can actually get treatment.

billy1966 · 06/12/2023 12:36

What a horrible woman.

Encourage your DD to mute the woman.

Support the poor aunt and leave your husband deal with his awful mother.

Encourage the aunt to mute her completely and not answer phone calls.

Only the truly awful behave like that when someone is so seriously ill.

She has nothing to add to aunts remaining days.

notmorezoom · 06/12/2023 12:48

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2023 10:45

It’s none of her business. Tbh, though, she’s right about cancer care: she’s much better off in an NHS teaching hospital.

Her cats will be a huge comfort to her. They provide company and release stress so tell your MIL to keep her beak out. Your aunt may live for years.

Tbh, though, she’s right about cancer care: she’s much better off in an NHS teaching hospital.

That used to be the case. It isn't anymore

(DOI - work in the NHS)

Original poster

aliasname · 06/12/2023 22:03

The point isn’t about NHS vs private (which MIL wouldn’t even know about) it’s that we should be supporting aunt even if we disagree with her choices, and MIL was going to find fault in anything that doesn’t fit with her beliefs.

I wanted to reply to the taxi message “of course we will give lifts, she’s family! Don’t worry, we’ll still try to find time for you” but I just ignored instead.

OP posts:

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