Understanding sibling behaviour

[LouMorris]

This is not an AIBU, more of a help me understand please.

Sibling is very forward, has no qualms about asking for what they want / feel entitled to. Which I admire and wish I was more like in some respects.

I recently found out that they have asked for some specific items from parents house after they’ve died. This makes me feel uncomfortable as it’s something which feels thoughtless and disrespectful and wouldn’t cross my mind but equally I know that others do the same thing. Ultimately I know that it has the potential to leave me feeling very hurt if they end with everything that they want and I have the ‘leftovers’. It happened with a grandparent and it feels hurtful.

It’s worth saying that one parent is currently very unwell with a life limiting condition which makes this feel even harder.

The logical part of me thinks I should just do the same thing as them but it feels like such an awful thing to do that I don’t think I can, in which case I would just have to accept that I will end up feeling hurt and disappointed.

I think maybe if I can understand their thought process it will help me to address it now.

Could anyone help me understand please?

I am very close with my parents and with my only sibling. We have both noted things we loved in my parents’ house and sometimes, by mutual agreement, have taken them as early gifts. There is nothing disrespectful about it, if the relationship is good.

Our relationship is really good, and my sibling obviously feels the same way as you. I genuinely don’t understand how it can’t be disrespectful to say ‘when you die can I have this?’ which is why I’m posting here.

Is the issue she wants something you want? In that case you need to communicate that to her otherwise how can she be expected to know?

Not particularly, although that did happen with the grandparent (not monetary, it was various pots and tins from her kitchen which had sentimental value). You’re right though, they can’t be expected to know, but I don’t want to even consider this while they’re still around, speaking about it sooner feels thoughtless especially when one parent is so unwell - almost like they can’t wait for them to die. But this is why I’m asking - both responses have been very objective which makes me think I need to be less emotional about it.

We can be objective because we are not on the inside so I understand your frustrations

It is indeed crass to talk about it in the way she is especially when you clearly don’t feel it’s appropriate

Clearly they are lacking a sensitivity chip but that’s not because of you it is just who they are

My sibling and I and my parents have been through several post death house cleanings. And we are all old enough to realize we might downsize too. Having the talk with my parents helped them, I think, get rid of things that were burdening them. Your sibling sounds either like a very blunt person or a joker who tries to lighten things? My sibling and I had a frank talk and would, I think, always prefer the other person was happy so we defer to each other with respect to things/objects.

You know, I understand how you'd assume that requesting these items is selfish.
It can actually be a two-way-street. For example:

My grandmother has 2 sons and 4 grandsons. She always wanted a daughter. She had a granddaughter. Me.
We share a love for everything pretty and sparkly, always have. She has a large collection of jewelry, which I grew up admiring. Even though a lot of things she owns aren't my current taste and I wouldn't wear them regularly, I do feel very connected to my grandmother through this jewelry.
My grandmother has seen her sons and grandsons get married and divorced more than once. Meaning her daughters-in-law come and go. She feels very uneasy with the idea that when she passes, her jewelry would be divided among the family, meaning also my aunt or stepmother or sister-in-law.
So we've talked about the jewelry and we both feel like it would be best if the jewelry goes to me. It only makes sense, for both of us. She put it in writing so that when the day comes I wouldn't have to argue with anyone. This gives both of us peace of mind. It means a lot to my grandmother to know that her jewelry would go to someone who has always appreciated it and will take good care of it, and this way it will always stay in the family. So having these things said out loud and written down is best for both of us. Imagine not knowing whether the things you've cherished all your life will go to someone who will treat it with care, or whether it will end up being randomly divided or even sold.

There's no shame in having these talks, certainly if there's no pressure on any side.

I think you have to look at it slightly differently.

I do understand that from the place you are in emotionally, it makes you feel that it’s cold and disrespectful but do you honestly think that’s why your sibling has asked? It sounds unlikely…your sibling is also slowly losing a parent and has likely placed an emotional connection to an inanimate object which will help them feel connected to their parent after death.

By discussing it with your parent, your sibling is conveying the meaning the item holds to them which is ultimately part of the meaning of the relationship. Perhaps positive or fond memories that they want to hold onto - and it’s nice for your parent to hear this. If the items are not sentimental, for example a hoover, it might simply be nice for your parent to know that they are helping them even after they have passed away.

If you feel they are “bagsying” the things you want, you should have a discreet conversation with your sibling about this.

I don't think it's rude to discuss but it would have been nice if they had spoke to you first.

Sorry but I find this type of behaviour rude and insensitive. Your sibling should reassess their priorities.