Have I become the angry woman?

[fixmyself]

A few years ago, I went through a devastating breakup from my longtime partner (the relationship in itself was full of mental abuse) and since then there's been a shift in my behaviour and not for the better.
It's been years now and I still haven't found love and my prime seems to be slipping away as I near 40.
It's clear I'm not happy with how my life has turned out as much as I may not want to admit it.
As a result, I've become a shell of myself. I'm always emotional, negative, cynical, critical and snappy at people who dare to step on my toes.
Everyone I know avoids me because I'm negative, family and colleagues. I can't seem to help myself.
I've done therapy. I stay home a lot nowadays to minimise how much destruction I unleash on the world. I keep a journal and remind myself constantly to go out and be kind. But on days like today, I slip. I've just been snappy with people and I know they don't deserve it.
In fact, someone kindly told me to go find a man as I seem on the edge, unhappy and just frustrated. They meant it in good faith.
How did I become a miserably angry woman?
What can I do to fix myself?
Please recommend any practical actions I can take to be a better person.
Thank you.

Take up exercise - yoga, pilates, barre, HIIT, running, swimming, boxing.

Set goals. Keep up the journaling. Make a gratitude list.

Get a makeover - new haircut, new clothes, new glasses, even a new fragrance!

^ Just some of the things that stopped me spiralling into a pit of despair (mid-30s, single, hopeless at dating 😅)

Is there a hormonal link?

Does it get worse at certain times in your cycle OP? Could some of it be hormonal? Perhaps peri? Since my breakup last year I’ve been a lot more ‘tetchy’ but only at times. I now realise it’s always in the latter stages of my cycle. I take vitamins and dietary supplements to help regulate my hormones

What do you like doing? Doing something that distracts you from your pain and sadness and brings you joy might help..

Also, my favourite cheesy option is to say 3 nice /kind things about yourself everyday and until you start believing in yourself.

😀. I know I'm in that pit of despair already. I'm rubbish at dating. I haven't had a kiss or hug in years. I'm rubbish at dating too. Men just don't treat me like I'm worthy of love or special treatment (make me pay for dates, cancel on me last minute, outrightly ask me for sex etc).

Thank you for the suggestions. I'm doing yoga, pilates (I managed to fall out with the instructor), and running and have been ensuring my hair is taken care of (almost fell out with my stylist), I've lost weight (fell out with my doctor), I'm dressing really nice. People tell me I'm beautiful all the time. When I'm cycling past, tourist ask to take a photo of me at the red light for example.
I feel that my outside is where I want it to be, but not the inside if that makes sense.

I'll try the gratitude list. I hope I'm redeemable honestly.

Aw , and I don’t say that patronisingly

I’m a person that veers to anger too

and yes it’s clearly become an issue as everyone is saying something

it’s self care time
increase exercise , this is mandatory
see a GP and check hormonal and meds also
get a decent psychotherapist

and start doing all that self care shit . All the videos on YouTube , what I like is not only can they be helpful

bit you read all the comments and you realise it’s not just you
you are not alone !
bit it does sound like you need a change

Can you elaborate please?
I've wondered whether I'm showing signs of some serious condition...

fixmyself

I find the long list of people you have fallen out with very identifiable
as my therapy says when everyone else
is the problem …. It’s you

Peri menopause?

Does it get worse at certain times in your cycle OP? Could some of it be hormonal? Perhaps peri? Since my breakup last year I’ve been a lot more ‘tetchy’ but only at times. I now realise it’s always in the latter stages of my cycle. I take vitamins and dietary supplements to help regulate my hormones
It's pretty 24/7, 99% of my time spent awake. Even when I'm alone watching television, I find myself scoffing at the news or whoever is talking online. What's this about?
I will start to pay attention to the patterns. There are days that I'm being mean to people in non-verbal ways and there are days where I'm verbal - shouting and/ or swearing. I'm going to see my doctor this week, I will tell them.

I love being active and I do a lot, I fit in one activity a day. It's not that I'm not busy. I just manage to infuse negativity into all I do.
Thank you for this suggestion. I don't like who I am right now tbh, but I can try.
If I can go a day filled with positivity and kindness, I'll be very happy,

Just meant period linked or possibly peri. Good idea to talk to your doctor and start ruling out possible physical causes.

You could maybe try an anger management course or CBT if not.

Thank you for the kind words.

@category12 I hope I'm not peri as I want children but don't have yet. One of the things making me bitter...
Thanks for the suggestions.

You need to work out what sparks real joy for you and fill your life with as much of that as possible. For me it's singing, so I'm in a choir, which is proven to improve wellbeing and connection to others so i would definitely give it a whirl if you think you might remotely enjoy it... And i love dancing so do as much of that as possible. And watching dogs play and getting strokes and cuddles which I do in the park! Think about when you feel joyful (which is different to feeling happy) and put yourself in those situations as much as possible. I would also definitely start meditating if i were you. And start therapy again, with some good time and research spent working out which kind of therapy would be best for you, and finding a therapist you really click with. Good luck

Devastating breakups can take ages to heal from
then add into the mix you are child free and want them …

im not suprised that you feel angry and thwarted all of the time

Therapy is the answer and not just anyone but a decent psychotherapist

I’ve been doing it a year and I swear it’s helped
im the same (and single !) but I’ve learnt my triggers and my values
now I understand why I get angry and I can own both my triggers and my values
I know that sounds wank

and I’m still angry mostly with work and that’s a 2024 project !

I know I'm in that pit of despair already. I'm rubbish at dating. I haven't had a kiss or hug in years. I'm rubbish at dating too. Men just don't treat me like I'm worthy of love or special treatment (make me pay for dates, cancel on me last minute, outrightly ask me for sex etc).

Try speaking more kindly to YOURSELF!!

We teach people how to treat US!!

I could see myself being angry generally speaking if I was doing things I didn’t want to be doing and neglecting how I really feel. I’m in my mid to late forties now, still single after a string of abusive relationships. I don’t enjoy dating and there are other things in my life I’m not currently happy with.

What has helped me is to accept how I feel and that I have good reason to feel that way. I’ve stopped dating and doing other things I don’t enjoy; I’m actively trying to change the other things ( job and where I live) and aiming to take time for myself to do what I enjoy. There are people I don’t want to spend time with anymore, so I don’t. Recognising these things has helped ease my irritability and impatience.

There are people and things I do enjoy though. Sometimes shitty things happen to wake us up to what we really want, as well as to what we don’t.

I would say you need to find gratitude. What are you grateful for? If you can’t find gratitude you have to put yourself in service and through service you will find it and happiness will follow.

I think you need therapy. You need to talk to someone so that hard ball of anger in your chest shatters (I would say melt but I think that ball of feelings is hard and jagged and spiky)

I think people who feel bad inside act badly. People who are hurting, hurt other people. I suspect you're furious, utterly furious, about the ways your life has turned out but you need find peace inside before you can be in a relationship and maybe achieve some of the things you desperately want

Talking to someone (paid, in confidence) will help. You'll have to let yourself go, ease that tight control which you try so hard to keep in place but is slipping every so often and be honest.

Of all the odd suggestions, have you ever done any assertiveness training? It's usually suggested for people who are shy and struggle to make themselves clear, however it's just as helpful for people who are being aggressive and want to temper their anger.

Assertiveness helps you create a positive dialogue, and create win-win scenarios where you feel you've expressed what you wanted to say without having to shut someone else up to do it.

It also means you have to learn the discipline of listening to other people and what they're actually saying rather than acting on your impression of what you think they mean or are about to say.

Good luck OP, it's been a rough patch but you recognise it's not helping you and you want better habits.

I second all the suggestions for therapy - but a deep kind of psychotherapy where you can do some serious self examination. Some consolation, though - if someone told me to “go and find a man”, no matter how well meaning, I think I’d punch them in the face.