Narcissism and end of marriage

[Flisshome]

Cut to the chase: feeling suicidal after the end of a ten year narcissistic marriage. I literally do not know who I am anymore. Cannot laugh, speak or even think without fear. I am separated from my husband. Thankfully but I have to see him at handovers and communicate via email about children. He still threatens me if I step out of line or regarding contact arrangements. These threats can be I’ll take you to court or you’ve always tried to control me etc. He had been spinning this narrative about me for a long time but I was completely oblivious and thought we were in a loving marriage. We weren’t; he had at least two work placed affairs and more outside. I don’t want to dwell on the past and I know I need to move on but how did you do that when you don’t even know who you are anymore?
I honestly will not ever carry out my thoughts above, I love me children and would never do that to them but I feel very worthless. In the aftermath of the affair, my husband spun such a tale of woe that he felt neglected and that was why he had had the latest affair, that my mum said she felt sorry for him so I feel really unsupported from many different angles.
Thanks if you got to the end.

Are you only separated? What is happening with divorce?

How you start to move on? By slowly taking control over your life. By making plans and arrangements. By seeing friends and doing things you like.

A man like him will always threaten and spin his story. The sooner you formalise arrangements - the easier it’ll be for you to start rebuilding yourself.
It is hard to go through divorce with someone like that - you’ll need to use all emotional strength you have to shield yourself.

The threats of - ‘i’ll take you to court’ are pointless. Mine uses it every now and then -
when i don’t agree to something he wants.
I just say - OK, it is your right to do so. I still disagree with your proposal.

And I keep that up. He knows he can’t just scare me yo force his way.

Took a while for me to get to this place.

How terrible for you - this man sounds like a typical narcissist. It is going to take you time but you will manage to shake his abuse. Focus on yourself you need to block his unfounded worthless comments. Do some research on narc behaviour , it will start to become clear. It's shocking about your mom but sounds like he has done his sneaky narc work on her. You will get your self worth back but it will take time.

I experienced a narc and felt broken after - it took time for me to heal. I now know how they work , sneaky lying manipulation every one thinks they are wonderful until the shield drops.

You will need to build your self-esteem back , avoid all contact as much as possible. Narcissists only think of themselves- like to make everyone think they are perfect ie Dad , partner, employee - they absolutely cannot take any criticism at all......

At least he is out of your home , you have to work on the next phase - do not let him crush you anymore & do not react to any of his comments he is looking for a reaction - he will want to have the power over you.

As for your children he will probably slag you off to them ..... just ignore everything he says. A true narc is very typical and now you know what he is , do your research on how to deal with them.

I hope you have some friends who have seen through the rotten pig. You can and will survive this because you are stronger than a narc. They actually feel very inferior but cover it with their lies and over inflated ego......

Sending you positive thoughts for your recovery.

We are officially separated 10 months although I took him back because he swore the affair was closed to then find out from the other woman’s husband that it had never ended. My ex husband blames me entirely and had completely destroyed everything
about me from the way I dress, to the way I express my face? to my mannerisms. So that is very hard to come back from. To have the one person who you thought loved you to tear you apart is so difficult.

He has obviously got into your head over the months of abuse. Dress and look how you like - he has been erroding your confidence if you let him dictate he will continue to do so.

Your mannerisms you already had when you first met him & they were OK then - so why would they be different now ?

https://www.samaritans.org/

Flisshome I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been through something extremely similar. Have you read anything about a specific subset of Narcissism called Covert/Vulnerable Narcissism? I thought I understood what a Narc was but then I realised, through months and months of intensive reading and watching videos from experts, that I had no clue. These types are the worst of the worst. They are obsessed with keeping up appearances and their perception to the outside world is all they care about. That's what my husband was. Behind closed doors he was the most manipulative, gaslighting, blame shifting, cold, empathy-less individual you could imagine. But I fully believed any issue that came up was my fault. Spoiler alert.... It wasn't.

It sounds like thats exactly what you're dealing with here. There are 2 devastating truths in all of this that propelled me towards recovery....

1. He never loved me because narcs are incapable of emotional attachment to another human being, even their own children.
2. You are lucky you discovered this because some people never get a second chance. You have one and you will be happy again. I promise you that!!!

To start your journey (if you haven't already), go on youtube and watch Dr Ramani and go from there. Then research Covert Narcissism until you fully understand it. It'll become your new obsession. But with each piece of knowledge, you'll feel another shackle loosen. This was the most critical part of dealing with all of my husbands cheating. Once you do... you'll stop pining for the fantasy of your Ex because that's all it is, a fantasy. The person you're hurting for, never existed in the first place. They were a con man and you fell for the con. The key thing is protect yourself from them for now and future proof yourself to spot another one!!

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

I second Dr Ramani on You Tube. Also Danish Bashir. After you watch them you will realise that narcissists are eerily similar. It’s like they know our exes personally. It’s worth reading the comments too - you won’t feel so alone.

My ex used to threaten legal action too but never did. I found that grey rocking him and low contact was best. Never show fear, anger, tears in front of them. They thrive on that. Keep email replies very brief and unemotional. One or two sentences is often enough. Ask ChatGPT to compress your words further if you struggle with that. Many of ex’s emails were simply long sermons of how wrong I was. Not giving a reply is a response. I only replied to arrangements about the kids.

Start hobbies. I found creative writing very therapeutic. I also exercise - even daily walks is enough. Hobbies are a form of revenge against the narcissist because you are developing your own identity and thinking about them less.

Your mum sound lovely….NOT …you need time to find yourself again try and do things you used to enjoy do you have friend…your ex is a controlling narcissist you are worth way more and you will be ok it’s just going to take time good luck

I’m in the same boat. Together for 25 years and four children. I found out he’d had multiple affairs nearly two years ago. I am SO grateful to have been given an excuse to get out but yes, in one conversation, he’s got me right back where I was. You need to get a solid support network around you - either friends or online (send me a message if you like!). People who will keep telling you you aren’t cracking up, not to fall for the lies or play the game; people who can point out his manipulative ways over and over until it goes in (over a year for me). Therapy too - look into CPTSD. And I’ve thrown myself into sport. I was never particularly athletic but have stayed training for several endurance events and I can’t tell you how beneficial that has been.

There are lots of support groups online too: unfortunately, there are a lot of us around.

Although it may not feel like it now, you are a million times better off without him.