Silly me

[Ionlywentandbloodydidit]

I did post a while back about being with an emotionally unavailable man so I am fully expecting ' I told you so' responses.... and I probably deserve them to be fair. I was warned!

So long story short, we've been together 5 months. Today is my birthday. He invited me round yesterday for dinner. I cook a lot for us, nice dinners, wine etc. I more than pay my way when we go out. He seems very smitten with me.
However no reference was made all day alluding to it being my birthday today. I took a bottle of wine cos I knew he wouldn't produce any even tho he is happy to drink with me.
No special dessert just an individual tiramisu type pot. No candle stuck in a cheap cake , nothing. Minimal effort . In fact no effort apart from cooking the simple casserole.
Hadn't asked to see me tonight.
However on way out the door last night he did produce a gift and card.
No special wrap, just mismatched wrap and gift tag.

I unwrapped it this morning it was 3 fancy soaps bars,
I'm torn between thinking how cheap he is to thinking how grabby I am expecting any sort of fuss.
It's honestly not the gift it's the lack of any sort of other effort.
Tell me I'm being unreasonable to feel hurt to make me feel better please.

He seems very smitten with me.

No, he doesn't, and you know it based on everything you just described.

Happy Birthday, op.

Give yourself the best present ever and dump this half-arsed, lazy man. Trust me, he is not "very smitten" with you. Please don't settle for this lukewarm shite.

Certainly feels a bit flat and low effort doesn't it.

I mean I wouldn't expect fancy gifts so early on but he could at least have bought in some cake yesterday and phoned today to wish you a happy birthday.

I think the tendency is to be like 'oh well he's a guy, maybe he just doesn't think about these things...and at least he wrapped me a gift...which is more than most would'. But really...it's such a low bar we set for men isn't it?

If it was a girl friend we'd have expected them to buy in some wine and stick a candle in a cake and pick a gift that reflected us in some way (even if they had to find out what we might like via questions in advance). Yet from a partner...I mean, shouldn't it be at least that?

The gift might be excusable as I don't know how close you are at 5 months. But yes I may have expected more effort.

How about you see how he handles Christmas?
Play it by ear after that.

After 5 months I would expect more effort and from what you describe you make more effort than him overall. Have you committed it being in a relationship or still dating because it sounds like he's not treating you as a serious gf.

I unwrapped it this morning it was 3 fancy soaps bars, I'm torn between thinking how cheap he is to thinking how grabby I am expecting any sort of fuss.
It's honestly not the gift it's the lack of any sort of other effort. Tell me I'm being unreasonable to feel hurt to make me feel better please.

I will not say any such thing.

What you accept early on sets the standard for the rest of the relationship.

This is the time when he ought to be out to woo and impress you, this is the honeymoon period - it goes downhill from here.

FGS dump the guy now, otherwise you're going to be one of these people posting every year how shit birthdays and Christmases make you feel, and there isn't even a fantastic time being had outside of the special days.

Aim higher, OP. Aim higher.

Happy Birthday op.

This man is not smitten, he acts smitten when he wants sex most likely but nothing else you have written gives me any indication he has deep affection for you as a person.

Stop accepting low effort or straight up poor treatment, you deserve better than that.

It doesn't take a lot of money, if any, to make someone feel special. He hasn't even said Happy Birthday to you on the actual day. Fucking hell, there is just no excusing that.

Why would you settle for this?

I think that’s not enough effort OP after 5 months. He sounds like he’s making the most minimal of efforts.

My (now ex) met me 6 weeks before my birthday. Even he managed to russle together some spa towels and AirPods complete with first date engraved on them.

You know how you feel, and that you aren’t imagining this. What did the card say?

5 months is a pretty decent amount of time, that should involve some effort.

Id personally start to withdraw now and see how much effort he makes - expect more than he’s giving you

I'd say 5 months in with someone smitten with you is possibly going to manifest in the biggest effort he will make for your birthday. It's downhill from here op. If 3 bars of soap and a casserole is your pinnacle of birthday expectations, then I guess it's fine.

Are you officially dating and exclusive, have you had that talk? If not, then he doesn't see you as anything more than a no strings and he did more than most blokes would. If he is your boyfriend then he is not investing in you or the relationship, he's not in it for the long haul and probably has little real feelings for you

Thank you for your responses... if nothing else I can laugh at my optimism.
I don't know whether to say anything for fear of sounding petty or churlish or just quietly accept it and keep my distance.
I think if I said anything he would be very hurt.

I once had a boyfriend like this. His birthday January mine in February. His birthday I bought him a card and a reasonably priced present that I knew he would like not especially over the top but thoughful I hope. Weel later it's my birthday. Didn't hear from him by lunchtime, didn't hear from him by the time by DS was out of school around 3.30pm. Eventually cracked and rang him - Oh yeah Happy Birthday - he'd forgotten.

I could have made lots of excuses - birthdays not important to him (true) it was grabby of me expecting something (not true - a card and a token present would have been fine). But I suddenly thought - "Yes but it's important to ME" and that should mean something to him. More relevant was that I had to decide whether I wanted the rest of my life to be like this - always feeling not quite important enough to make an effort for and beleive me this is the most effort he will EVER make.

He was built like a greek god (literally Greek! 😁) but was still single at 40 for a very good reason - no-one was important to him except himself (and his mother...)

I'm now with someone who would not look like a Greek God to anyone else except to me and he treats me like his Greek Goddess!

It will always be like this (whatever his reason for being so skimpy) are you prepared for that?

Oh I have just read your pp.. It could be he has never bought a gift for a woman before so was utterly clueless?

The last man I was with, when it was my birthday at six months in gave me a very simple but very beautiful silver necklace from a decent jeweller and a bottle of champagne.

You are NOT expecting too much!

To be fair, he did text this morning with a ' happy Birthday , love you xx'

The ' love you' was unexpected. Only second time he's said that by text.

Funny soul

Sometimes that can be worth more than any present

A very happy birthday to you 💐

But it's fine if you're hurt?

Again, you're setting the scene for the rest of your relationship.

His feelings/ego = important.

Yours = dust and ashes.

Come on OP, do better for yourself.

Happy birthday! 🎂
He is so tight fisted and thoughtless. Id dump him and i would avoid men who are happy to sit back and watch you pay, i personally dont even want 50, 50 as most men earn more than women and we spend more on our appearance usually which is a major factor in why men love and choose women for. I dont care if it doesnt sound modern woman, this is a universal truth about straight men and women. Go for a man who is generous, giving and treats you with care. This guy doesnt even like you, when guys like you they do so much for you.

Just searched your other thread about him in September.

Why are you settling for this? It hasn't got better, has it?

Please listen to this, op. You believe you should just swallow things that hurt you because you don't want to upset his fragile little ego and feelings. If you can't tell your significant other that something they have done, or not done, has hurt you, the relationship is already doomed. If you don't want more for yourself, no one is ever going to give it to you.

This is the man on his absolute best behaviour, still trying to impress you, at the very start of dating. This is as good as it’ll get. At least you know what you’re choosing to sign up for.

You didn’t reply to your thread about him in September, and ignored the advice given.

How strong are your feelings for this man? If strong, you will need to talk about it, explain you're not with him for money but would appreciate more thoughtful gifts and effort
Try asking that he buy you flowers now and then, see how he responds
Otherwise he really doesn't seem worth the effort you are making

I think he would pretend to be hurt.