how do i stop these feelings and thoughts

[Owlgirl1987]

I have posted previously about the fact that my husband had a 3 year affair with someone that we both knew and it only came out because her partner confronted them.

we have stayed together, we have a 9 year old child together, we have been together for 17 years and married for 12 years.

we are doing marriage counselling

i have been having some individual counselling.

these last week or 2 i am really struggiling to feel happy or positive about anything. i feel like i just want to cry all the time and feel like i am spiralling into a massive hole.

my husband has deleted all her messages and number etc a while ago, but i just keep getting feelings, what if she decides to contact him, what if he responds, or will he ignore her? would he tell me if she contacted him?

i hate the way i look and feel, i like nothing about myself, i feel so inferior.

in my head i constantly compare myself to her and think about the things that he said about how he felt about her and what they did. i just wish he could feel about me the way he felt about her and i wish i could make him happy like he said that she did and he said previously about how they had this connection etc, why do i feel so inferior and crap compared to her.

i look into and over think everything, like if he looks sad or is quiet, is it because of me, is he unhappy, does he regret staying with me.

he has never been that affectionate, but i dont know if thats because of me or because he is just like that, then it makes my mind spiral and i think about how much he may have been affectionate with her and sexual etc.

i want to talk to him and tell him how i feel, but i dont know how to do it or what to say as i dont want it turning into an argument as i really cant deal with arguments now.

i honestly feel so rubbish and low and hate myself so much.

i dont know what to do

Why are you torturing yourself like this? I'm sorry, op, but your husband has destroyed your marriage, don't let staying in it destroy you. You are the one paying the horrible price for his unforgivable behaviour.

Your marriage needs to be over. You will never feel good about yourself again if you stay with him, and I hope you think about what this is doing to your child. Growing up in this environment will be far worse for them than you getting divorced could ever be. You may think they don't know that anything is wrong, but kids always know. Your child knows how desperately unhappy you are.

Sorry for what you are going through. One thought is that you might want to express your feelings during the couple's counselling session. You mentioned it turning into an argument, I think having a referee there while you perhaps read a prewritten letter expressing the impact of this on you might force him to sit and hear it.
I don't personally think I could get over this because 3 years is too long she was known to you and he only 'stopped' when found out. I would personally look into divorcing him and letting everyone know he cheated with her. I would keep going to therapy, possibly for years.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this OP. I think I remember your previous posts and that he didn't seem to want to try and then did leave for the other woman? So now he's back ...

It all sounds absolutely torturous and I agree with the other posters that you need to end this. That's the only way you get to be in charge of how you feel. Else your life will be spent under this cloud of endlessly worrying about whether you can trust someone who's already proven themselves to be completely untrustworthy.

He hasn't spoken to her or seen her for months, after he stopped contacting her she kept ringing and messaging him for a while, but he never responded to her messages and ignored her calls.
He deleted her number and messages when I asked him to.
I do love him so much and we do have good times together.
When we've been at marriage counselling he has said he regrets what he did and je was unhappy at the time and so was she and she confided in him about some stuff and they just got close and it's progressed into an affair.
He has said he loves me and has said in marriage counselling he hates what he did to me and how he treat me and he does want to make things work with me, if he didn't then he wouldn't be doing the marriage counselling ( its not a cheap thing )
I just constantly feel like I am not good enough and all I good for is being a mum and keeping control of the house.
I know he feels guilty at times because she got kicked out of her house and is living back with her dad and has shared custody of her child and he feels partly to blame as he wad half of the affair and I haven't kicked him out and he's still with me in our marriage under our roof and sees our son everyday.
All I keep thinking in my head is how happy could she have made him feel and how can I make him feel like that again and be stronger and better like we have been before.
I currently just feel a shell of myself I don't want to loose him, I do love him so much

Honestly it is a journey and I went to the depths of despair until I came up for air. I felt just like you - feeling unworthy and unlovable. You need to realise your worth no matter if you stay or leave. You need to know you are an honest loving person. I know that from the fact that you are willing to work on your marriage after this trauma. Take that and run with it. Know that you are worth a million times more than your husband because you would never do what he did and anybody would be lucky to have you in their life.

You are strong. Dont pity the OW ever. Your husband is a shit bag who has helped to destroy another family and damaged the children of the other family. Scum. Keep strong and make you DH feel like the worthless man he is.

OP you are still processing all those feelings of rejection but do not let them consume you. It sounds like torture to be second guessing every thought in his head and replaying the affair relationship over and over. Please share all these feelings with your counsellor and try to build your feelings of self worth. It may be that if you cannot get over it that you need to take control and ask him to leave. If you constantly feel hatred towards yourself for him having an affair you have got this wrong. He is the weak, worthless one, and seriously if you can't see this you would be better off ending the marriage to allow yourself to recover.