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Original poster

I don't know to feel about this?

8 replies

annonsub · 04/12/2023 08:23

Sorry not a frequent poster so unsure how to do this.
My partner and i have been together 5 years, has been a loving, fun relationship. We have 2 small children together. For context ( think it may be relevant) during my second pregnancy i found him trying to meet another woman, and talking 'sexting' with a colleague. He assured me nothing physical happened between either and he was sorry, begged to save our relationship. So i stayed. The last 18months or so since then has been difficult but making progress, we are like we were before everything happened. Laughing, going away just myself and him etc.

However he has been off the last few days, barely talking to me, seeming moody. I finally managed to get it out of it (he doesn't communicate well AT ALL) and he has told me he doesn't think i love him anymore...supposedly my attitude and he just knows, he can tell? It really upset me to hear that, i don't want the person i love to feel that way, i assured him i do love him and i don't understand where this was coming from? He insists maybe its all in his head then, and its his issue, he seems to think I'm going to find better and leave, or i still think he is going to cheat again at some point. I have not given him any reason to think that i believe this, it has just come from him.

My question is, where has this even come from? We had a lovely night away last week. Why kind of ignore me for a few days? Tell me i don't love you, and then say 'maybe it's all in my head'? Part of me thinks it's his way of saying maybe he's thinking elsewhere, maybe not in love with me anymore? I don't know what to think, is he manipulating me into thinking I'm not doing enough etc? I asked what i can do to prove i love him, he just says you don't need to its just me. Confused. So please any advice/opinions would be great!!

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 04/12/2023 09:44

It sounds like he is projecting.
He is telling you he thinks you may cheat or you think he will again.
Unfortunately it sounds like thats where his head is and he is covering his bases. I'd guess an emotional affair is brewing at the least and he is making sure you are suitably versed so that if anything crops up, he can say 'see you do think i'll cheat again'. Its to stop you bringing anything up if something feels off.
And he thinks you may be thinking the same, because thats what men (who cheat) do. When they are doing something or about to, its in the forefront of their minds and so thats the conclusion they'll jump to.
The colleague - is she out of the picture entirely? Or does he still work with her.
Something has happened in the last few days and I suspect he has crossed a line somewhere, feeling guilty and now trying to justify it by telling you he thinks you don't love him (he feels unloved, so hes looked elsewhere).

He is setting up his excuse. And already blaming you.

MinervatheGreat · 04/12/2023 09:51

He’s had his head turned & is going to be blaming you when it eventually comes out.
You will be cast as the unloving wife.
Beware! I hope it is not the case but I’ll be surprised if there’s not more to his attitude than meets the eye.

takemeoutonight · 04/12/2023 09:55

If you need to prove you love him then something isn't right. It's a level of control and not a sign of a healthy balanced relationship. You're 5 years in with 2 children but no marriage, history of him straying albeit not physically and no real sign of a desire to commit. Your children deserve more than this as do you.

SpringleDingle · 04/12/2023 10:01

He is cheating / thinking of cheating and projecting on to you. He can justify his behaviour to himself if it is all because "you don't really love him"

Original poster
annonsub · 04/12/2023 10:08

Thank you for all your reply's.

And yes he is still working with this colleague on a daily basis. So most likely he is making choices maybe with said colleague thats causing guilt?

He has just had a week off on holiday and has not seemed any different, can he really pretend so easily? :/

OP posts:
Thewondererhasreturned · 04/12/2023 10:17

Twice I have been accused of being distant, not showing as much love, they suspected I was cheating. Twice it has been my ex boyfriends cheating on me talking to some girl behind my back or on a dating website. Projecting their guilt onto me and I always say the one who is paranoid is usually the guilty party if you yourself know you are innocent the minute they get paranoid they are up to something. Maybe he feels he's not as in love with you or as others have said head is turning. Could ppl be whispering things in his ear like if he's talking about the relationship to friends etc they could be saying she probs still doesn't trust u or she could be seeing someone else then he starts to believe it to. Id watch and be careful. Things will come to light

SpringleDingle · 04/12/2023 10:27

Yes - they can pretend that easily. It is so crazy making when you find out because in many cases it is just totally impossible to get your head round it. How could he have been so loving with me that evening but still texting her? It blows your brain because you couldn't do it.

No one cheats by accident. At some point her looked at that sexy text he'd drafted and decided to send it to her. He wasn't confused, he KNEW what he was doing was wrong and a breach of your trust. He knew it disrespected you and that you would be hurt by it .... AND HE DID IT ANYWAY! That took me so so long to get my head around. He chose to do something that he knew for a fact, 100%, would hurt me. It took me months to realise I couldn't get past it. Initially I brushed it away, forgave him, etc.. but I think it was because accepting that he chose to hurt me was just too awful to comprehend. In the end I finished it and felt better afterwards but it rocked my world... someone I loved could choose to do something so hurtful and lie so well about it that I never for a second suspected.

Original poster
annonsub · 04/12/2023 10:35

It really is disturbing how someone can be so loving, caring and in the moment with you. But be leading a different life, not to be crude, but our sex life is full of excitement, we laugh together all the time, i baby him like a child lol not as much since having children, but i think a good amount. I work my ass off trying to do everything right by him and its still not enough? It is truly heart breaking....if he is hiding something again and projecting etc. i will not stay this time, i looked a fool once, i will not allow it twice. :(

OP posts:
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