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Relationships

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Original poster

Any good stories after separating from an addict

16 replies

Verysad1978 · 04/12/2023 08:05

Anyone got good stories about how things turned out from them after separating from a spouse with addiction issues?
Everything I read about divorce and separation seems to reinforce my sense that the pain is going to continue

OP posts:

FatFatMary · 04/12/2023 08:09

It’s taken a while but I am finally starting to feel mentally well after so many years. I only wish I had left him much sooner. I’m a better mum as well now.

Namechangedforthis2022 · 04/12/2023 08:10

Firstly, well done for making the break, I know how hard it is!
In my experience, the first 6 months were still painful, stressful & I was still full of anxiety...
Then I started focusing on myself, had very good therapy and started looking forward, not back.
Nearly 3 years on and I am happy, my DC flourishing and I know without doubt I made the right decision.
You will get there 💐

Original poster

Verysad1978 · 04/12/2023 08:18

These are good to hear

OP posts:

Flixon · 04/12/2023 10:01

yes. 100%. I am a million times happier and so are my children after I left their dad who has drug problems. Him, not so much. still has drug problems.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 04/12/2023 10:08

First six months are the worst, children calmed down almost straight away, even though I was on benefits (last century), money became totally manageable.
Therapy definitely helped, (paid for by cleaning job).
Decades later, he’s a recovered addict, but still a completely self absorbed, patronising, boring old man.
Have never regretted it, and my adult children have thanked me for getting them out of living with him. Every other weekend was more than enough.

Bettalife · 04/12/2023 14:54

Split nearly 6 years ago. I’m so much happier and the kids are thriving. Coparenting can sometimes be challenging but I’ve learnt to set firm boundaries and occasionally pick my battles.
I do still worry about the impact of his addiction (gambling and sex - although when we were married the sex addiction tended to be with multiple other women and never with me 🙄). But it’s mainly worry about how the kid s will cope if/when he loses his job or goes bankrupt or ends up in jail or worse. Because l’ll be the one who has to pick up the pieces.
But they are amazing resilient kids and I’m pretty sure they know I’ll always have their back and provide them with a stable and loving home.
Eldest is now 16 and is aware of dad’s gambling but I don’t think the younger three know too much. Ex kept it hidden from me for many years and is a very convincing compulsive liar.
It did take a while for the hurt to lessen but I have no regrets. If I hadn’t been with him I wouldn’t have my four children and going through the stormy time of finding out about the gambling and other women has made me a much stronger person today.

Original poster

Verysad1978 · 04/12/2023 18:47

Very hard to come back from gambling I think

OP posts:

vernatheraven · 04/12/2023 19:25

My friend used to work as a croupier in casinos for many years.

She said to me once "they get this look in their eyes like nothing I have seen anywhere else and you know that no matter how big the win or loss you can tell who will be back tomorrow or leave that night with nothing again"

Celynfour · 04/12/2023 19:55

Post - separation the addiction , and how they deal with it , is no longer yours to deal with .
You sleep better and the house is calmer .
You parent better because you’re not constantly on tenterhooks.
You start to enjoy things because you’re not on edge (for example social events and they drink too much and cause an issue )
Of course any change is stressful and demanding . But my only regret was not doing it sooner.

Original poster

Verysad1978 · 04/12/2023 20:12

My problem is that I still love him. But just can’t really keep doing what we’re doing. And it’s not all his fault either. I’m not perfect by a long shot. But addictions aren’t going anywhere

OP posts:

StrawberryWater · 04/12/2023 21:32

Had an ex who was a gambling addict. I called things off when he nearly bankrupted me and tried to sell my house out from under me.

First few months afterwards were tough (not to mention a massive blur of trying to sort my financial affairs out, trying to speak to banks and the police who wouldn't listen).

After that I felt nothing but relief. Absolute freedom.

I bump into his mum occasionally in town. He's still a loser (he stole over 100k off her and I still can't believe she still speaks to him. He stole her retirement from under her feet!).

Now married to a more sensible man and we own a house together and have a lovely son.

Original poster

Verysad1978 · 04/12/2023 22:43

I am too old and weary to start again. Don’t think I want to.

OP posts:

Celynfour · 05/12/2023 06:38

You can still grieve the loss of the man you loved . Any relationship ending can be a loss .
I understand the old and weary feeling .
Noone can make you leave them . But I don’t think you will find many who say they wished they stayed in the midst of the confusion and lies and second guessing and coming second .

what would it be helpful to know in terms of practical things that would help you decide ?

Rainsunrainsun · 05/12/2023 06:50

Yes me. I separated from my alcoholic partner two years ago. At the time my children were 2 and 5. I was terrified at being a single mother. Turns out being a single mother is a breeze compared to living with addict. Things very quickly got a lot better. It was like a whole new lease of life. This year has been one of the best of my life. The kids have adjusted well. It’s obviously sad for them not to live with their dad but I want to model boundaries and healthy relationships not what was happening when their dad lived here. I feel entirely happy with my decision. My ex is still displaying all of the old patterns and this makes co parenting difficult as he is unreliable but at least he is not in my house doing it. Even when I have bad now I think this level of bad is still so much better than it was before

Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 08:26

It might depend on how you define a good story. I left an addict nearly 30 years ago; only reason it’s still significant in any way is because he’s the DP to my DC. Had to cut off contact for safety reasons so they don’t know each other.

I got over it surprisingly fast but that was after years of trying everything and nothing working. So I was exhausted in every way plus there’d been DV.

Raised DC on my own with no child support. Never thought about him, just moved on and looked forward. Basically, I changed my whole life and it was so much better. There were so many things I didn’t have to worry about anymore and I made the most of it.

barbarahunter · 05/12/2023 08:35

I left gambling addict after many years of marriage and yes it was difficult in many ways but oh the relief! One cannot stay with a person who bullies and wheedles all your money away from you all the time to fund his habit. It is ruinous and it steals your future from you.

I went on to have a few relationships over the years, but mostly I just please myself in what I do, safe in the knowledge that my own money is mine.

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