Is there ever a good time to leave?

Nevernot2 · 2023-12-04T01:45:52+00:00

Although it pains and shames me to admit it. I have drifted into what I can only describe as an emotional affair with a colleague. We started as friends a few years ago, but over the past 6 months things have changed and it's more than friendship now. I've stayed with my partner for our children and because it's easy but I know in my heart of hearts that things have not been right for a long long time. My colleague has declared very strong feelings for me and I for them. I cannot go on secretly harming my current partner who would be devastated if/when they find out. Cutting a long story short, my partner hasn't been meeting my needs sexually for a long time despite my attempts to deal with the issue,y self worth and self esteem is in the gutter and they refuse to address the problem. Is there ever a good time to leave? Should I wait until after Christmas? Especially with a preteen in the home. Or get it over with now? Before my emotional affair turns into a full affair.

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 04/12/2023 01:48

I'd wait until after Christmas, if you're sure this is what you want.

Be careful.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 01:58

You write as though you have no control over your own behaviour. Having an affair is a choice, it's not as though you got hit by lightning. The choices you make going forward will impact everyone in your family, so you need to do this as carefully as possible.

Put the brakes on your relationship with this other man and end your relationship with dignity instead of carrying on and dropping a hand grenade into your own life. Wait until after Christmas and then end your relationship with your partner if you're that unhappy. Use these couple of weeks to make plans.

If this other man loves you the way he claims, he will wait.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 04/12/2023 02:00

I'd definitely wait until after Christmas. I'd also ask myself if you're only leaving because the grass is greener and if you still would if that person wasn't available.

Original poster

Nevernot2 · 04/12/2023 02:05

Nofilteritwonthelp · 04/12/2023 02:00

I'd definitely wait until after Christmas. I'd also ask myself if you're only leaving because the grass is greener and if you still would if that person wasn't available.

My leaving would be happening somewhere down the line even there wasn't a 3rd party involved, but that's not to say it hasn't reinforced that plan. So I don't think it's because the grass is greener, but my head is all over the place with new emotions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nevernot2 · 04/12/2023 02:07

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 01:58

You write as though you have no control over your own behaviour. Having an affair is a choice, it's not as though you got hit by lightning. The choices you make going forward will impact everyone in your family, so you need to do this as carefully as possible.

Put the brakes on your relationship with this other man and end your relationship with dignity instead of carrying on and dropping a hand grenade into your own life. Wait until after Christmas and then end your relationship with your partner if you're that unhappy. Use these couple of weeks to make plans.

If this other man loves you the way he claims, he will wait.

I'm not excusing myself, I've let myself go along with whatever this new relationship is with my eyes wide open. There is a huge attraction there at the moment emotionally and physically.

My selfishness has not gone unnoticed but I excuse it due to the state of my current relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nevernot2 · 04/12/2023 19:24

So I'm going to wait until shortly after Christmas to bring it up and allow us to plan for separation. I've spoke to my mum and dad about it and they are upset that it cannot be reconciled, I haven't really went into it with them but said its been a long time coming. That way I know I have some support when i need it should things go pear shaped.

OP posts:

namechangedforonepost · 04/12/2023 21:18

Hi Op, I've name changed for this.

I've been in your shoes.
I thought my relationship was dead. We had a young daughter, our sex life was down the shitter and I was utterly miserable. I felt like it was give give give from me and nothing in return. I felt unappreciated and told myself our relationship was dead, but I was staying for our daughter, and because I felt sorry for him.

A colleague paid me attention, it became an addictive thing. It felt new, and exciting! Like the beginnings of a new relationship, I felt like I'd found "the one".

I started an emotional affair. I went so far as to ask my partner to leave, I didn't tell him about the other guy. He left. Over the next couple of weeks, seeing my family disintegrate, I started to feel a bit strange. The exciting new thing didn't feel quite as exciting anymore once the "forbidden" factor had gone. I started to wonder why I had suddenly decided to end my relationship to be with this guy, when I'd been telling myself for so long that I was unhappy. What was it? Did I NEED to be with someone to be happy?
Then I realised that I needed to breathe. Be alone and to think about exactly just what the fuck I was doing. Because whatever it was, in the cold light of day it felt wrong.

I asked the other guy for some space. He gave it to me.

I started to realise that cracks in my relationship seemed a lot worse once the other guy entered my life, and I became distant and cold to my partner. Which made the relationship fail even more.

I also started to realise that I missed my partner. I loved him. He was comfortable, we were good once and my family felt broken.
I didn't love this other guy. It was limerence. I loved the idea of an exciting new relationship, new feelings. Feeling special.

I made the decision to come clean to my partner about what had happened. The only way we could start again was a new slate.
A lot of talking was done. And crying. We decided to give things another go. I told other guy it wasn't going to happen.

This was 7 years ago, and our relationship is once again where it was before the rot set in. The rot being, the other guy and his attention. We are happy, family life is good. I've accepted that it's never going to be constant flutters and clothes ripping off. That intense passion does quieten, but that's ok. I've accepted that, and I'm content.

I'm lucky, I very nearly made the biggest fuck up of my life.

Be sure this is what you want.

Original poster

Nevernot2 · 05/12/2023 00:10

namechangedforonepost · 04/12/2023 21:18

Hi Op, I've name changed for this.

I've been in your shoes.
I thought my relationship was dead. We had a young daughter, our sex life was down the shitter and I was utterly miserable. I felt like it was give give give from me and nothing in return. I felt unappreciated and told myself our relationship was dead, but I was staying for our daughter, and because I felt sorry for him.

A colleague paid me attention, it became an addictive thing. It felt new, and exciting! Like the beginnings of a new relationship, I felt like I'd found "the one".

I started an emotional affair. I went so far as to ask my partner to leave, I didn't tell him about the other guy. He left. Over the next couple of weeks, seeing my family disintegrate, I started to feel a bit strange. The exciting new thing didn't feel quite as exciting anymore once the "forbidden" factor had gone. I started to wonder why I had suddenly decided to end my relationship to be with this guy, when I'd been telling myself for so long that I was unhappy. What was it? Did I NEED to be with someone to be happy?
Then I realised that I needed to breathe. Be alone and to think about exactly just what the fuck I was doing. Because whatever it was, in the cold light of day it felt wrong.

I asked the other guy for some space. He gave it to me.

I started to realise that cracks in my relationship seemed a lot worse once the other guy entered my life, and I became distant and cold to my partner. Which made the relationship fail even more.

I also started to realise that I missed my partner. I loved him. He was comfortable, we were good once and my family felt broken.
I didn't love this other guy. It was limerence. I loved the idea of an exciting new relationship, new feelings. Feeling special.

I made the decision to come clean to my partner about what had happened. The only way we could start again was a new slate.
A lot of talking was done. And crying. We decided to give things another go. I told other guy it wasn't going to happen.

This was 7 years ago, and our relationship is once again where it was before the rot set in. The rot being, the other guy and his attention. We are happy, family life is good. I've accepted that it's never going to be constant flutters and clothes ripping off. That intense passion does quieten, but that's ok. I've accepted that, and I'm content.

I'm lucky, I very nearly made the biggest fuck up of my life.

Be sure this is what you want.

That's powerful to read. I did question this as limerence but how is anyone to know? Thank you for that reply.

OP posts:

namechangedforonepost · 05/12/2023 12:25

I felt the tide turn and reality dawn once I'd stepped away from both my partner and other guy.

I had to step out to look in.

It could be that you're looking for an escape from your current relationship and this guy is that token of happiness. You need room to breathe and take a moment to reflect away from them both.

DontDoIt2023 · 05/12/2023 13:50

namechangedforonepost · 04/12/2023 21:18

Hi Op, I've name changed for this.

I've been in your shoes.
I thought my relationship was dead. We had a young daughter, our sex life was down the shitter and I was utterly miserable. I felt like it was give give give from me and nothing in return. I felt unappreciated and told myself our relationship was dead, but I was staying for our daughter, and because I felt sorry for him.

A colleague paid me attention, it became an addictive thing. It felt new, and exciting! Like the beginnings of a new relationship, I felt like I'd found "the one".

I started an emotional affair. I went so far as to ask my partner to leave, I didn't tell him about the other guy. He left. Over the next couple of weeks, seeing my family disintegrate, I started to feel a bit strange. The exciting new thing didn't feel quite as exciting anymore once the "forbidden" factor had gone. I started to wonder why I had suddenly decided to end my relationship to be with this guy, when I'd been telling myself for so long that I was unhappy. What was it? Did I NEED to be with someone to be happy?
Then I realised that I needed to breathe. Be alone and to think about exactly just what the fuck I was doing. Because whatever it was, in the cold light of day it felt wrong.

I asked the other guy for some space. He gave it to me.

I started to realise that cracks in my relationship seemed a lot worse once the other guy entered my life, and I became distant and cold to my partner. Which made the relationship fail even more.

I also started to realise that I missed my partner. I loved him. He was comfortable, we were good once and my family felt broken.
I didn't love this other guy. It was limerence. I loved the idea of an exciting new relationship, new feelings. Feeling special.

I made the decision to come clean to my partner about what had happened. The only way we could start again was a new slate.
A lot of talking was done. And crying. We decided to give things another go. I told other guy it wasn't going to happen.

This was 7 years ago, and our relationship is once again where it was before the rot set in. The rot being, the other guy and his attention. We are happy, family life is good. I've accepted that it's never going to be constant flutters and clothes ripping off. That intense passion does quieten, but that's ok. I've accepted that, and I'm content.

I'm lucky, I very nearly made the biggest fuck up of my life.

Be sure this is what you want.

I could have written this, except it did become physical twice, plus I decided to end the other guy, to decide what I actually wanted. & then my husband found out everything. This was 3 weeks ago.

Pretty sure mine was limerence. The other guy now doesn't have the sparkle he once had at ALL. I can see the wood for the trees & I am so very thankful that my H is willing to give things a go and try to work through this, where at one point I even imagined having a new life with this other man. Please be so very careful, & absolutely certain this is what you want - to leave your H I mean.

elderqueen · 15/07/2024 17:14

Name changed for 1 post your post really helped me as my partner just finished with me and left ( a week ago) for a 17 years younger woman who lived in our garden (cabin) who he has had an emotional affair with and they had declared interest in each other.