Why is he like this

[WhosBob]

I didnt realise how immature my husband was until after we got married. I tried to look past it because he has some good qualities and I knew he really cared about me. He was supportive when we had our first baby but we started having problems again as soon as the sleep deprivation started to get to him and he realised he actually had to look after the baby. He was emotionally closed off and would lash out at me. In my frustration I would lash back which surprised me because this isn't the person I am. I feel like he's brought out this horrible side to me. Some of the immature stuff he does includes pulling silly faces, burping and farting when I'm trying to talk to him, dancing, rolling his eyes, even FALLING ASLEEP and snoring. He doesn't speak when I'm trying to have a conversation with him. Getting him to communicate is like getting blood from a stone or like talking to a brick wall. He says silly things or he'll poke me etc. All very frustrating behaviour especially when I'm already angry. All I want is to have a proper mature conversation with my husband and he can't even give me that. I hate when I'm trying to talk to him about something important and he becomes unresponsive or won't even look up from his phone.

This guy wouldn't know hard work if it smacked him in the face. All his life he's had everything handed to him. I do everything for him; laundry, cooking, tidying up after him. He doesn't even put his plate away unless I nag him. Its always me making plans or booking holidays. Having a child was a huge shock because for the first time he had to be selfless and do something for someone else. It was always a competition of who was more tired or who's done more for the baby. I got fed up of reminding him that we're a team and you get no medals for doing more night feeds. He seemed to get worse as time went on. We recently had another baby and he was a dick throughout my pregnancy and postpartum. I didnt speak to him for the first 3 weeks of our baby's life and he carried on behaving the same way. Leaving him isn't an option. I just need advice on what I can say or do to get through to him. I need him to change because I can't go on like this. A lot of the time when he comes home from work, he goes to sleep or he'll skip meals because he's tired. I know he's probably depressed and overwhelmed and this is his way of coping with it. But if he doesn't communicate with me then I can't help him. I don't want my children to grow up in an environment where dad is behaving like a 5 year old and mum's always arguing with him.

Why isn’t leaving him an option? He’s never going change. Ever. People don’t change who they fundamentally are.

I just need advice on what I can say or do to get through to him. I need him to change because I can't go on like this.

You cannot change another person, they have to want to change. And he doesn't because you do everything for him. It's time to start looking after yourself as that is the only thing you can change, whether that means leaving, getting a job, or therapy, it is up to you.

Sadly you ask this after not 1 but 2 dc... Divorce him and plan on being a single dm. Best for your dc imo. He can pay cms.

I wouldn't have anywhere to go unfortunately and my life would be 1000x harder without his help with the kids and financially too

I’m sorry to ask this, but why on earth did you have a second baby with this man?

I’m afraid I agree with PP, he absolutely is not going to change. This sounds like a fundamental personality clash and the only way out is to leave, however hard that may be.

How would you life be harder??

You have two options:
put up with things as they are
Tell him this, and ask him to change

He does - all good
He doesn't / you decide what to do eg leave him

I don't know. Maybe I thought a second baby would fix him up

You can ALWAYS leave . You just have to be determined and plan .
Many people ( including me !) manage .,

Oh OP. It doesnt get better. You cannot change who he is. The best thing you can do for your kids is leave.

Check entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you could claim. He would have to pay maintenance. Can he not leave the home? Whose name is on the tenancy?

He isn't going to change because at the moment it works for him. Consider putting boundaries in place of what you are prepared to put up with and what you aren't. Talking to him has not been effective. But talking may be more positive if you show him by actions what you don't find acceptable. The longer this goes on the more negative your relationship will become and it will impact on your children as well as both of you. You say there are positives so acknowledge those with him so it's not just a battle of whose right and whose wrong

People definitely don’t change.
whyyyyy do you tidy up after him & do all the cooking and laundry??
He’s taking the piss he’s a man child get rid of him of course it’s an option- it’s the only Damn option here unless you want a life of misery for yourself and your children. There is support available for single parents, do the research then do the right thing.

@WhosBob

I unfortunately had a relationship with a similar type of guy and had children with him,
I can see aspects of your husband being similar to mine,

Why did i have an relationship with someone like this?

my fucked up extreme childhood, teenager ect,
years being brought up in care, children's homes, watching my lovely mother who adopted me dying young from cancer when i was a teenage ect,
having an adoptive father who was more interested in dating than looking out for his extreme vunerable daughter ect,

@WhosBob

Please please wise up

I regret that i wasted so much of my life , with such an emotional prick of a guy,
he was definition of Narastistic, an bastard an Arsehole,

I haven't said totally everything about what he is really like,
he died recently,
my son and daughter are lovely children

they have been emotionally been affected so much by having a father like this,

that's the legacy he has left behind by my vulnerability, naivety stupidity

I am searching for a shit ton of therapy for myself and to help my grown up children too

It's like i am on a mission to do this and achieve results with whatever therapies are available

If you're only staying with him for the security he offers, why should he change? It seems pretty loveless on both sides.

You could try serving him divorce papers while still living there. You can force a sale of the house and he will have to pay you child support.

So many divorces happen once wives realise their lives are easier without their husband. Sensible husbands realise this and make themselves indispensable. Once not together, he will have to look after his children alone on his access days. He won't have your maid services and he will have to pay you money. If you are serious about simply wanting security and help with the children -- divorce is actually the way to go.

@WhosBob

Get therapy to understand why you were attracted to a guy like this in first place ect?

Get emotional support in as many ways as possible,
Mumsnet is one kind of emotional support,
what about from good friends , could you take in turns to babysit for each other?

as a single parent I had registered childcare for myself to have break for myself ,
also took it turns with friends to babysit each others babies..

Does he have parents you could ask for help? Family members? Close friend? Maybe it could help to have an outside person to try to talk to him.
I do feel for you and understand leaving is not always possible especially if you haven't got family/friend support.
Could you arrange a babysitter to go out with him and have a conversation outside of the house to create more of a formal situation? Or write down your thoughts and worries for him to read?

Why did you go and have another baby with him, I was shocked when I read that.
He will not change so you can carry on going through the motions or accept that, or make steps to leave him.
He may well be depressed but has he acknowledged that, or done anything about it.
Have you spoken to him about it, not that I think this is the reason for everything he does.

social services provided free childcare for a couple / few hours for me to have a break,

Also going to college or going to work partime or more and looking into good childcare
there is colleges and workplaces have childcare facilities attached to them,

the UK Gov was talking about making childcare facilities cost more affordable, accessible why not tap into this aswell for extra support and improve your personal circumstances ect?

as believe me you are better off being a single parent
than with him as in reality you are like a single parent within a marriage of this kind,

it's like you are the young mother of 3 children ,
that's including your husband as he is like over grown child...
he is like a dead weight , a albatross around your neck, dragging you down in the emotional depth of the gutter..

i swear some men like your husband really seek a female partner as a surrogate mother

the idea of security in a marriage as this is just that a fantasty not reality,

one day you will regret it too wasting your time with someone like this too

You only get one life@WhosBob

@SeraphinaValentina

i like the good advice you have posted here, too.
i forget about that aspects of this kind of situation equation too.

Tell his mum on him.
Not even joking. Might help (might not).

Also stop doing anything at all for him like laundry etc.

I think he's got some sort of disorder and has never grown up.

He's not depressed and overwhelmed, he's just a lazy bastard! He can't even speak to you. What is the point of him?

If you go onto Google and search for entitled to calculator, then you will see how much you would be entitled to in benefits if you split up. Then go onto the child benefit calculator and find out how much you'd get there as well. Do that before you make a decision to stay with him.

Your kids are watching you put up with this and this is the relationship they think is acceptable. Do you want them to have the same one when they grow up? They won't thank you for staying miserable in a relationship with a lazy git.

I cannot believe you had a second child with them in the hope they'd change, what on earth possessed you to bring another child into this mess?

He is not going to change. I read almost this same post a few days ago written by a woman in her 60's. Men that are not grown up will never grow up. It's called Peter Pan syndrome and the groundwork is laid in childhood. He was a big baby when you met him and he'll be a big baby til the day he dies. If you stay, that's your conscious choice to enable the dynamic you have. You are nothing but a stand-in mother for him. You absolutely do have the option to leave, you just don't want to.