What were your weirdes exes? (lighthearted if you like)

[porridgeisbae]

What were your weirdest exes?

Mine was probably 'Leonard' who was a high ranking occultist, lived in a squat at 47 (26 years older than me at the time) which he shared with a bloke with a hook for a hand. He also loved all drugs, and liked to have sex on acid (which wouldn't be my cup of tea.)

Much less weird than some of these but I had an ex who had a badly drawn naked sketch by him of his ex pinned up on the bed where we slept together. He also used to tell me at great length how semen was like a “lotion” and good for women’s skin. The relationship didn’t last long. I was used for the let’s say outré sex acts he wanted to perform and then discarded. I’m notoriously bad at getting over relationships but after a week or two with this one I was over it.

Manny, hid under the reception desk at my work on the receptionist's day off to catch me shagging in the office.

Apparently we were all about group sex you know?

A restraining order later and him eventually being deported.

Maori boys can be crazy, but this one had the added bonus of genuine mental health issues.

Fun times.

A guy who said ‘boom’ and ‘woosh’ after every sentence - ‘had a great day, boom !!’
Also said ‘I’m on fire’ a lot, pity he wasn’t
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@Pewpewbarneymcgrew, I am picturing Andy Bernard from The Office, for some reason. 😃

I was thinking of an ex fling ,
rather than ex partner,

just thinking 🤔 he lived in a lovely house he shared with his friend who had her elderly Scottish mother she was caring for,

they were very alternative looking couple who were in a brief relationship but now just friends helping each out,
their friendship came across as much of co dependent friendship,

first of all i had weird very intuitive experince with him about them previously owning a blue car ect

they were relatively new couple who had moved new into this area from England,

anyway

we started going out as a platonic friends getting to know each other , going out to out of the way olde worlde country pubs ,
quite often after been up their Allotment in again out of the way sticks of place quite well known for its victoriana festival,

or
now and again visting their antiques units ,

One particular evening supping drinks at a lovely olde worlde pub with him,
i was on own with him this particular occasion,

he started to get bit more comfortable with getting to know each stage,
he revealed that when his mother unfortunately died,
that he wished he could have had the opportunity to have treated her like they could have treated their dead in stone age neanderthal stage of humans evolution,

he wished he could have cradled her head well specifically her 💀 ☠️ skull, kept it as sacred object in his home space...

He wasn’t a drummer was he? I went on a date with a guy once who did exactly that. He was very nice and took me to a posh restaurant for a meal. But I could not get past the ‘boom’ after every sentence. I didn’t see him again after that.

Namechanged for this one as I've told this story far and wide. My ex (let's call him Bob) came from an extremely odd family and was an extremely odd man. He was fastidious about his appearance and believed in the power of avocados to nurture the skin (he may have been right, his skin was flawless).

Every weekend he would head to Lewisham market, purchase a vast quantity of avocados and mash them up. He'd then spread them in a thick coating over his face and hair and sit in the middle of the lounge to let them do their good work. Once they'd oxidised, it just looked like he was coated in poo. Then he'd wash all the bits off his face and hair, a process that took quite some time, down the bathroom plug hole. It should give you some idea of the number of avocados he used per treatment session that it often affected the drainage from the bath, it used to drive me crackers.

His family didn't believe in taking medicine- to each their own, but he didn't really like me taking medicine either. Whenever I was ill or had an injury, he'd concoct bizarre drinks and poultices that always, ALWAYS included onions and exhort me to consume them or apply them to my skin. They often contained huge quantities of fresh chilli.

To be fair, I expect his avocados were very moisturising and his concoctions quite good for a cold, but he really wasn't the man for me!

@IWillBeWaxingAnOwl I had one that while coming would go, 'OH yess, OH yess!' It presumably wasn't deliberate, but how he said it was exactly like the Churchill dog.

@avocadohead This thread is funny but your post has made me laugh more than I have in months, because I've been having a bad time, so thank you!
I'm still giggling and I need a wee badly! I'm going to bookmark this page!

I dated a guy who told me he played for a premiership football team. Each week when he didn't appear on the pitch for said team, he'd feed me bullshit about being injured, or being on the subs bench, or doing media work, or some such. Aside from the fact he never played, I knew he wasn't a premiership footballer because (a) he was a fat bastard, (b) he let slip once that he lived with his parents on a road of 3-bed 1930s semis, (c) I met him through a friend of a friend of a friend who worked with him.... at Tesco.

I found his lie quite amusing and enjoyed him paying for everything (because, you know, premiership wages) so I strung it out for a few months then binned him.

I can't find him on social media sadly.

@GranOakley Men! 😂 At least he put his money where his mouth was I guess.

@porridgeisbae Well, yes he did but it wasn't exactly footballer/celebrity lifestyle he was paying for.
More like 2-4-1, plus a free dough balls voucher at Pizza Express, then get to the club by 9pm before "Ladies in Free" ends.

😂