Ill/seriously ill boyfriend/partner

[NowTodaythenTomorrowonwards]

I'll soon be 60, and we first connected around 5 years ago, and we've enjoyed that connection since then.

I struggle with language and terminology around how to describe our relationship, but that's not important.

Wondering if there are any resources/organisations that people have found helpful when your boyfriend's/partner's health is continuing to deteriorate.

I know about local carers organisations, and am aware of counselling support in general terms.

I'm not comfortable sharing personal/health details online, but sometimes want to say 'aagh what do I do?!'

I don't really have much to offer in terms of advice but didn't want to leave post empty people may need some more details to help guide you. I.e is it a manageable condition ? Terminal ? 8 believe there is all sorts of support groups forums for partners of both

Is it physical or mental health? Cancer? A disability? Something that will kill him or affect his quality of life?

There are many support groups for many kinds of illness. Have you tried starting there?

Do you want to be a long-term carer? I am similar in age and no way would I be up for this. For someone I had only fairly recently met. Sorry - I know that sounds harsh. Your language around connection is so vague.

Hello @CambridgeLass @Imperfectp3rf3ction @socialdilemmawhattodo
I'd started a reply, then lost it.

Not sure what I'm looking for. It seems to be a difficult situation to be in - that might sound distanced/cold - but may be how I cope. (I'm not a cold-hearted person, just have my limits.)

If I stay overnight with him, I'm unsure if he's going to wake in the morning. If I go back to my flat (12 miles away) my sleep is disturbed for worrying about him.

I guess I've posted because the friends/acquaintances I might have turned to have so many other things going on at present.

Ok. So what's his medical problem?

Oh that sounds very hard.

Is he under a palliative care team? You'd absolutely have the right to talk to them about more support.

When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, I had no idea how stressful and exhausting it would be trying to manage his care, spend time with him, keep talking to people/chasing people on the phone, and trying to keep some semblance of normal life on top. I was buckling, truthfully, and I was lucky that I found support through the hospice he was referred to. Just talking it through to someone where you can be 100% honest and not worry about upsetting/offending someone was huge.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, and it may be an idea to google support groups for the illness that your partner has. And set limits for yourself - it's healthy to have some degree of self-preservation.

This sounds very hard.

Is there any care in place? It seems that you are primarily needing some emotional support, but practical help can be reassuring and help alleviate the exhaustion that goes with caring for the very frail, and in turn help you feel less vulnerable.

Adult Services / Community Health Team? If your partner is also over 60 Age UK can be very knowledgeable And helpful about available support.

Macmillan if appropriate?

But whatever else is going on keep posting on MN. It is OK to vent, talk about your feelings… sadly there will be many others who understand what you are going through.

You should contact your local council, as they may run support services for carers. It sounds like you may have found some of these suggestions already. Mine does, and this includes support groups, therapy, evening classes etc. Personally I found a carer assessment useful when I looked after my late mother. There will be charities aligned with whatever condition he has. They may offer advice and support. If you are not happy with being a carer, you could be his enabler and signposter. This could be assisting with finding local support services or community health care providers who can help him. It could be that there is a need for adjustments in the home to make life easier (disabled facilities grant from the council? ECO4? hug?. You maybe entitled to free counselling via a GP service to talk through how you feel about this. It is a personal decision if you feel that would benefit you. You can do benefits checks online (look up the benefitsandwork website). THe nurses and allied health care professionals at any hospital where he gets treatment from might have further suggestions.