Living arrangements for separation/divorce - I don't know what would be best

[Purplerubies]

I'm planning to separate from/divorce my DH of 25 years. He has been depressed for most of our marriage, particularly latterly, and used to be emotionally abusive to me for years. We have grown apart and want to live in different ways and have very different goals for the future.

He used to be the sole earner whilst I was a SAHM (his choice, as he didn't want to do childcare and nights while the dc were small). Our dc are now teenagers. He is now not working due to his mental health so is at home all day, and I am working.

DH doesn't want to separate or divorce - it's not because he loves me, but because he is currently living a comfortable life without too much stress, and doesn't want the disruption for the dc or him, as well as the financial consequences.

I just don't know what would be best - the dc and I staying in the family home and DH moves out to a flat, or we sell the family home and both have two separate houses. I don't want to move out to a flat, and neither does he, but someone I spoke to today said that because I was a SAHM for years plus he struggles so much with his mental health, if it went to court, the judge may enforce that situation?

I don't want to be unfair to him, he loves the dc and our home, and is still struggling with his mental health. I'm trying to think of what would be best for the dc, and maybe staying in the family home would be best, rather than having to go between two houses.

But if DH moved out to a flat, how would he ever see or spend time with the dc? I know he would miss them so much. I wouldn't want him to keep coming round to the family home all the time, I really want to have defined separate spaces.

It's so hard - has anyone got any advice or been in a similar situation?

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet? I am in a similar situation, my husband has both mental and other health issues and my understanding is that due to the discrepancy in our earnings (and future earning potential) he may very well be entitled to much more than I am, ie. if we sell he may get 70% of the equity and perhaps some of my pension too. Can you afford to buy him out?

@Stuckandunhappy Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. Re future earning potential - my DH was in a high earning job, so his future earning potential is high. But the problem is, it would depend on his mental health - he has said that he would like never to work again, and he still has depression and anxiety. He is currently claiming on his health insurance, but I don't know how long that will last.

DH used to earn 5x my salary, I do not earn much partly as I was out of the workplace for so long. I wouldn't be able to afford to buy him out of our house unfortunately.

I haven't spoken to a solicitor yet, but I think I probably need to.

I would definitely speak to a solicitor, perhaps even before speaking to him if you haven't yet. Hopefully your situation is better than mine, and the court would tell your husband he needs to get a job. I also used to work part-time for many years before my husband got ill. I now work full time whereas he works when be feels like it, I haven't told him yet that I want to separate because I have been waiting for him to start his latest (part-time, low earning) job. Sadly due to his health issues his earning potential is low and despite him being emotionally abusive throughout our marriage, and treating me like a meal ticket for the past few years, it's likely he will get a much bigger share of our assets.

@Stuckandunhappy I'm really sorry to hear that - that's so hard, especially as your DH has been emotionally abusive to you.

I always assumed that my DH and I would automatically be entitled to 50/50 each of our assets but maybe that's not the case. I guess the issue may be that even if his earning potential is much higher than mine, if he thinks he can't go back to work due to his mental health that would be taken into account. It's all a bit complicated really, but I guess most situations like these are.