Should I have realised sooner?

[Fassbender2020]

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing starting a new thread but I didn't want a fresh one as it's about the same thing I posted about before, my now ex dp. I'm just using this to vent my thoughts as I process them as I keep thinking of more and more things that should have told me something. I was going through photos throwing them away and saw one from a night out about a year ago and remembered something I've blocked out.

I went, the woman went and 2 of his friends and their girlfriends. At one point one of them wasn't very nice to the woman and he absolutely lost it, I have never seen him that furious and his friends were quite shocked. Should I have taken that as a red flag that he got that angry at someone upsetting her?

Does it really matter? It's in the past and you're not with him anymore. You need to look forward rather than back and stop dwelling on things.

Stop wasting time and emotional energy on things that don't matter. Move forward, not backwards.

What is your purpose in going back over it all? Do you already know the facts about the affair?

Pointless looking back as no one can answer this for you.
Just keep looking forward and think of something nice whenever shite like this invades your brain.

I know all of that and it's not dwelling on the past, it's only been a month or so since he left and it's all very fresh for me. Me trying to process my thoughts on here isn't hurting anyone so telling me to move on is unhelpful. All I was asking was if that would be something other people would see as a red flag in order to help me see things differently in future. So yes, it matters still

Hello lovely, it’s so easy to say don’t look back it doesn’t help but actually I do think you can’t help doing it in the first couple of months after you find out about an affair. I think your brain has to catch up with what has happened and part of that processing is to remember things that with hindsight show what was going on. It’s like the fog being lifted and your memories suddenly coming into full focus.The thing is at the time that wasn’t enough to show you anything, it wasn’t enough of a red flag and wasn’t worth blowing your marriage up over. It’s the death from a thousand cuts analogy, each cut isn’t enough to hurt you enough to end it, but it makes you feel off at the time and it is only now with hindsight you can understand why. This constant rumination will pass, I found myself scrutinising my camera roll constantly for clues at first but I stopped doing that after 2 months or so. It’s just part of the process you have to go through, it is so tough but there’s no quick fix. You are not to blame for someone else choosing to be a liar and a cheat. Take care and be kind to yourself x

I think hindsight is a wonderful thing and maybe you'll continue to identify events or actions that could have been clues to his behaviour, but you'll never know for sure.
As for the future and making yourself less vulnerable to being mistreated...I'm not sure you can really, but don't allow one man to make you bitter and cynical. If you meet someone one day, take it slow, take care to protect yourself financially and never be reliant on another person, but don't be afraid to fall in love. Find happiness now as a single person and you won't allow yourself to settle for someone who doesn't add to your life in a big way.

I don't see why you would have realised sooner from that - presumably you trusted him and he reassured you or gaslit you if you questioned his behaviour. And you wanted to believe him because you wanted the relationship to work.

It was a night out, presumably alcohol was taken, so it could have easily looked like he was overreacting because of drinking or whatever.

In retrospect, yes, it all fits - but at the time, it would have been fairly easy to excuse.

I think at the time it's easy to write things off - maybe he was just defending a good friend he felt was being got at. There are often two ways you could take things and when you really like or love someone you generally judge them far more leniently or choose to believe their actions came from a good place.

I think though if something feels off and you're questioning it then it's best to trust your gut and be wary.

I was with someone for ten years. We married, and two weeks later he said he was seeing someone from work. I remember tying myself in knots going over stuff. It did me absolutely no good. I wasn't trying to give you bad advice, just giving advice from my perspective, which you can take or leave.

Thank you for the last few posts, that's exactly it

I did trust him but even at the time, I remember thinking wtf as it was the most worked up me and his friends had ever seen him and they knew hem a lot longer so it did light a bulb for me as he's never defended me like that

As said above, hindsight is a wonderful thing. My ex cheated on me several times and I'm now almost 'hyper aware' of spotting red flags like this. So try as best you can to realise that nothing you could have done and nothing about you as a person was to blame for his actions.

How on earth are you supposed realise and know how his nasty devious cheating little mind works when he oh so gallantly sprang to the defence of his affair partner?

You wouldn't know, wouldn't have a clue because you aren't a nasty deceitful piece of shit like he is.

It is easy to look back with the benefit of hindsight and say to yourself "Perhaps I should have noticed that" or "Why didn't I see what was going on?" but life doesn't work that way.

Thank you. It's just seeing things differently as pp say. Or in my case, thinking wtf at the time and it not ringing enough of a whistle where I wanted to think anything of it. I hate that I remember the feeling of him never getting that angry over me

@Fassbender2020 There's no point in asking yourself why on earth you didn't realise at the time. You probably wish you had, but it's all done now.

There's a whole hobby group of us who know someone who turned out to be a paedo. After he was convicted, we all talked about it and agreed that he was hiding in plain sight all the time, there were signs we could have picked up on if only we'd known, yet none of us put two and two together.

It was certainly a warning sign. It’s the stereotypical kind of thing they often put in film and TV shows to show characters’ interests / feelings!

I think it's that, you've summed it up. It was like this major outburst from 0 to 1000 and was exactly out of a TV show. The woman wasn't even outwardly upset, what his friend said was why is she even here and some other things I can't remember and he sent a glass flying off the table he got up with such force and it ended the night quite abruptly though he did offer to pay for the glass

It should make you feel better that his friends who you say witnessed it too and knew him longer than you had were equally baffled. They had no clue either and were viewing it objectively compared to you.