Autistic men and dating

[Julie4302]

Now im writing this because my son (25) is autistic and has never had a girlfriend before, He never went out much growing up and most of the friends he made were online as he spent a lot od his time gaming. In school he had some friends but as he grew older and left school he lost contact with them but I heard something the other day that autistic men mostly never get married and usually remain single.

Physically he is tall, handsome, looks after his appearance (more than me and im a woman lol) and has a good paying job working as an electrical engineer. He is also hoping to move out soon and put down a mortgage for a house.

But then many women are more attracted to a mans personality and confidence than his looks, men usually need social skills and confidence while women dont in order to attract someone. He does go out to bars on his own during the weekend and has a few drinks to try to meet people but he told me that he feels like a ghost to people.

I also feel as if he will not be compatible with a lot of girls his age as my son isnt into partying or drinking, prefers walks, doesnt use any social media and he told me he just wants a quiet life and to be a family man. His younger brother is a bit of a party animal and he recently got a girlfriend who sometimes stays over although sometimes I can hear them having s*x but I worry that my autistic son might end up getting sucked down the incel rabbit hole and growing a hatred towards women. After watching a documentry on incels it seems like a lot of them are autistic and lack social skills

I wouldn't say we autistics lack social skills as a matter of course, or that we're more likely to become incels. Read about the Double Empathy Problem, it's simply that we socialise differently - often neurotypicals fail to bridge the gap!

Your son might like to try online dating; that way he can search for people on the basis of his special interests, or they can find him using the same. He's more likely to find people through clubs relating to his interests than he is going to bars alone.

A lot of woman would love someone like your son. But i think he's unlikely to find them in bars! I'd steer him towards online dating, particularly sites where people can write about their interests, and towards quieter hobby groups of things he enjoys.

My son is 24 and sounds identical to yours. He would like a relationship (of sorts) but doesn't really seem to be attracted to either men nor women. I think he is more asexual.

I went to a conference many years ago which was about people on the spectrum and sex. They said that more often than not, people with ASD tend not to think about sexual relationships until mid to late twenties. No idea if this is true but it certainly seems so for my son.

Does he have any hobbies that have a sociable element to them? That's probably the best way for him to practice social skills at the level that works for him, and to widen his social circle.

Do you have a reasonably local amateur theatre? As an electrical engineer he would, quite likely, find an excellent niche in such a place. That's how I met my (possibly autistic) engineer dh.

Definitely NOT true that most autistics do not think about sex or relationships until their mid-to-late twenties - total nonsense.

It sounds like your son would be appealing to a lot of women, I bet if he tries online dating he will get lots of matches.

It would be well worth your son joining an autism online dating site.

The dating app Hiki is for autistic dating if he wants to try that.

I'm autistic and absolutely fed up of dating selfish NT men. I'd love to date an autistic guy who is working and a sensible person. I bet there are a fait few autistic women feeling the same as me tbh

I agree with the pp that bars are not the best place for your son to meet women. I would strongly encourage him to take up various hobbies, join some different types of groups, book clubs, cooking clubs, etc, and do some volunteer work.

There are countless women out there who would love to meet a man like your son. It sounds like he has a lot to offer.

I have an autistic DS and can see him ending up single and in a similar boat. But your ‘incel’ comment was a little wtf… why would that be a logical conclusion??

Sounds like your son was here a number of weeks ago writing something similar although not exactly word for word, you seem to share his writing style.

Depending on where you live there may be some young adults groups or even autistic groups on Meetup.com who get together to do interesting things and meet new people.

A friend of mine is married with two children to a man with autism and they are very happy. A partner might need to have certain patience or adjustments but every relationship is a compromise. They met through friends

A 25yo still living with his Mum isn't appealing to 25yo women!

He needs to show that he can live independently and take care of himself & his home.

He should focus on this first.

Then find friends to go out with. A man on his own prowling bars to pick up women is creepy.

He needs to join social groups linked to his interest eg walking groups.

Also he should create some kind of social media presence. If a woman meets him & tries to look him up they could get suspicious that he has no digital footprint. That is often a red flag for 'been in prison/ in another relationship'!

Can he not meet anyone though work events/go out on work nights out?

He should also try OLD.