Lovebombing?

[peppermintdog]

Hello all

PP but name changed.

My friend is in a new relationship. I'm talking weeks not months. Recently 'defined' themselves as a couple. Both 25.

She's been in an emotionally abusive relationship before so her spidey senses are tingling regarding lovebombing - she's asked me for advice but I am very unsure.

He brought her nice chocolates on the first date, and she's received several since. Lots of wooing with expensive and exciting dates. Since the first date they've had pretty much daily phone calls lasting 1/2 hours, and text in between every day. He tells her she's the most amazing person ever and has been since early on, which she's uncomfortable with as obviously he doesn't really know her. She has met all of his immediate family and most friends - I believe the parents were within about a month. There have been discussions of her moving in - not serious ones, more him 'floating' the idea. He wants to move abroad eventually and he's already asked her how she feels about that. No 'I love you' yet.

My question is - do we think these are just the actions of a man who is ever so slightly too keen, or a bit close to lovebombing? Looking for a bit of outsider perspective

Hard to tell but screams more overly keen to me then love bombing saying that I would keep the guard up. What's his previous like ? Living situation ? Any disagreements yet ?

Love bombing imo.

The 'most amazing person ever' bs is a clincher. Like mate, I've known you 3 weeks.

But the biggest clue - your friend is 'uncomfortable'. Her instincts are screaming at her.

Even if he was not love bombing, she needs to leave. Becayse she needs to listen to her own instincts. He is making her unconfirtable. Time to go.

Absolutely love bombing imo. Too much too soon. And OTT taking up as much of her time as possible so she doesn’t have time to really think.

Her gut instinct is right. She needs to end it before he drags her in even deeper and she feels trapped

Thank you everyone.

Im very guarded during dating (sometimes too much) so my instinct was 'if it feels too good to be true, it probably is' - but I didn't want to advise her just on the basis of this. Because I know I'm generally quite cynical and distrusting.

To answer the question regarding disagreements - yes they have disagreed over something small. He responded by basically refusing to discuss it, asking for time to himself, then the next time they met he'd planned another big date - which again, I didn't like

With that update I’d say she needs to run for the hills. The red flags of him being a controlling manipulator are there - her instinct is 💯 correct I would say.

Duplicate post

Yeah no the handling of the disagreement is just done regardless.

So he withdrew from her to punish her for a disagreement. He's not a good egg.

This is just weeks in.

The thing is that she isn't healed enough to date yet. When people make us uncomfortable like this we need to LISTEN to ourselves and leave.

She's already turning to you about it because she recognises something us up.

Tell her to trust her gut and get rid. And beware that he will not take it easily or well so she has to stand firm about it.

Yes, love bombing. Yes, ditch him.

If he is controlling what issues they can and cannot discuss and attempting to erase her concerns with grand gestures rather than ironing out the inevitable little teething problems that will come up then that backs up her instincts.

He may not be a monster and he doesnt have to be for her not to want to continue things. She deserves a man who listens to her, not just one who takes her to fancy restaurants and buys her gifts when he hardly knows her.

I think given her history the most important thing is that she develops the faith and confidence to listen to her own concerns.

Thanks all.

Yes I said after the disagreement that it wasn't right and seemed like a punishment. I don't 100% know how the argument was resolved (she went a bit sketchy about it, probably so she didn't tarnish him completely in my mind)... but she never mentioned him apologizing/reaching out so it was probably her. When we were talking about it she seemed to be thinking along the lines of 'maybe I just didn't phrase it right and upset him, so that's why he pulled away'

But it all just feels like control to me

She's already taking blame for things and allowing him to have a push pull effect it d9esnt sound like the one for her

Just saw this and thought of your friend.

Thank you for this @Pinkbonbon - I have just passed it along and actually listened to it myself out of interest.

I spoke to her today and I think she's just struggling with why he was so seemingly 'lovely' and 'understanding' at the start. Because it's not been years (or even months) of the same pattern she is doing some mental gymnastics trying to see it all as a big misunderstanding - hopefully this video will help her get her head around the idea that even though he hasn't got to the peak yet, he shows enough traits to suggest that's where it's heading. It would only get worse kinda thing.

The guy here hits the nail on the head I think - she's been trying to get back into the lovebombing phase, which is just never going to happen because if she shows her hand now he'll know he's got her

I think the best advice, for your friend, and for anybody, is not to continue to spend time with someone whose behaviours make you feel uncomfortable. That won't happen in a compatible relationship, so don't waste time trying to name the problem ('lovebombing' etc) It doesn't need a name. Nobody has to be 'right' or 'wrong'. Nobody needs to have 'issues': 'I'm uncomfortable' is enough to walk away.

I think we're often too quick to jump to 'maybe I'm misunderstanding'. When we should be asking ourselves 'why isn't he even worried about being misinderstood?'.

If there was a misunderstanding, surely he would want to see things from her perspective - and clear things up ASAP.

We need to avoid the bad habbit of jumping through mental hoops trying to excuse bad behaviour. Instead of thinking we've misunderstood- consider that infact it'd much more likely we haven't, but that actually, he's just a complete jerk.

Love bombing!

Yes this is love bombing. Sometimes men do this because they’re insecure more than abusive, but they can still end up being controlling.

The key way for your friend to deal with this - and to test out her Spidey senses- is to tell him it’s a bit too much too soon and to put the brakes on a bit. His reaction will be telling.

If she doesn’t feel able to do that, she shouldn’t even be dating.