Friendship - how to reduce intensity

[Flamalotty]

I started a full time course in September as a mature student. I made a friend but am now finding it too intense and I think it is stopping her making friends with others her own age. I like her and I am happy to continue the friendship but to step back a bit. She referred to me as her best friend this week which totally flawed me. We have the same timetable so I cannot avoid her and don't want to entirely.

She wants to meet before lessons every day, always spend our lunches together and if I am studying will come and join me. I find it too much.

Has anyone got any advice on putting in some distance delicately and without hurting someone? She is quite vulnerable which makes it worse and I feel guilty.

Headphones?

Yes that is a good idea, I’ll definitely give it a try.

Since you're looking to reduce intensity than end the friendship completely, I would invite others along to lunch with you (or go over and join other people, taking her with you). This way you're still being friendly but it's less intense and hopefully she'll transfer attention to others in the group and develop other friendships. You'd be doing her a favour really, as she could do with being less reliant on you.

When you're studying, there's nothing wrong in saying "sorry - I need to concentrate, I just need to be on my own for this" or something (and put earphones in as pp suggested if she still sits with you).

Alternatively, again, if it's collaborative stuff, sit with a group or invite someone else to join for study sessions so it's not just the two of you.

As for meeting up beforehand, you can just say something like "oh I've got something to do this morning - I'll see you there".

I’d probably start doing something different before lessons on my own and just say ‘I’m sorry I can’t today as I have some things I need to get done’. Polite, breezy but vague so she can’t say ‘oh I’ll meet you’. I’d also start varying how and where I study so it’s harder for her to come and find you, and if she asks say ‘I’m changing my routine a bit as I’m finding I need quiet to focus’ or something.

It’s entirely possible to set some boundaries without hurting her.

Great idea from PP to invite others to join you at lunch and maybe create or join a study group to dilute the friendship.

Set boundaries. You are not free before class at least 50% of the time. You are not free for lunch every day either. She may be sweet but she is using you as an emotional crutch, so don't feel guilty about loosening the grip.

Thank you, I will definitely make myself more unavailable, use headphones and try to make the routine that she expects less of a routine. I need to keep telling myself that she is not my responsibility and this should just be a friendship. It is difficult to separate the two due to her vulnerabilities.

She will be fine. Launch her into this world with a kick in the arse.

Yes you are probably right that I need to just be a bit tougher!

Honestly I would toughen up quickly.
Too much, too soon.

Someone who latches on to another person that quickly and firmly is to be VERY wary of.

They often are not even slightly interested in the boundaries and preferences of others.

Just totally focused on THEIR needs being met by someone.

Step back firmly as they will only cling more and there is inevitable drama and upset when you crack and run for the hills.

Apologies if that sounds harsh, but I would be so wary.

That was a wink. It's the best thing that you can do for her as a friend.

can't believe she referred to you as her best friend how immature!

This would piss me right off and I think you should enforce some clear boundaries now.

I am glad people don’t think I am being unreasonable. I feel like it is now really unbalanced. I am older and already have a life and friends, I am mainly there to study and very happy to meet people etc. To be honest it is really stressing me out.

Exactly what @billy1966 said. It’s also not uncommon for that kind of person to target mature students (probably unconsciously).

Also, OP, you’re having the classic student experience. Half the student body in any academic intake make intense, drunken friends in freshers’ week and then spend the rest of the first term trying to avoid them.

OP, listen to your gut which is stressing and screaming at you.

She has clapped eyes on you as a mature figure that can provide her with what she needs.

She has decided you are a soft touch.

Apologies, but that level of intensity is weird, freaky and would send off massive alarm bells for most.

That it hasn't for you means she has chosen well.

It has moved in on you very quickly very deeply...

Stop seeing her before class COMPLETELY.

As others have suggested include others at all times.
Earphones are good.

Stop telling her about your private life and for the love of god don't invite her near your house.

In my long life I have met a few people like that but fortunately I have zero patience for being manipulated so would be very firm and extricate myself sharpish.

Remember she is utterly focused on her needs, what you want will not figure at ALL in her thinking.

So you need to decide EXACTLY how much you wish to invest in her and draw that boundary rigidly.

Do you want to be the person she contacts when she has drama of any sort in her life going forward?

Because if you are not very careful that is exactly whom you will be to her.

I actually haven’t told her a huge amount about my life. I think I can mostly avoid her this week. I really haven’t formed any other particular friendships - what I was expecting, pleasantries etc. so that is harder regarding a group for lunch. I’ve organised a couple of meetings though this week so I’ll be busy. She’s definitely not coming to my house!

This will only get worse as she will demand more and more and nothing you do will be enough. I have experience of this and it put me under dreadful stress. I am afraid l had to be very direct as subtle hints will go over her head.
Could you say l like to study alone. Maybe say you are a while out of school and need total aloneness to get on top of your study. Remember you don't need to put her needs ahead of your own.

Some good advice above but I definitely think introducing boundaries is the way to go. Some people struggle with boundaries so you may have to allow her to experience some discomfort.

Yes I will do that. I think she picked me as I wasn’t well integrated (as expected) simply because I am older and she wasn’t integrating as well. But I need to focus on my work and my family, and all my lovely actual friends. She went on holiday for a week and I was quite happy on my own!