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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband and a funeral

18 replies

Orla32 · 03/12/2023 07:31

I guess I am looking for some advice.

Background:

DH and I were friends for years before we got together. We then decided (once we trusted each other after years of friendship) to start dating. A year later I found out that that he had been speaking to his good friends relative, let's call this friend Joe, for a year behind my back - never met, although arranged to and somewhat sexting. I forgave him, he stopped speaking to her and we moved on bought a house, had a baby etc.

Fast forward years later to today, the funeral;

Sadly, one of Joe's parents died yesterday. Joe has informed his group of friends that he would like them to all go to the funeral. DH told me and I said that the OW would be there. He immediately said he won't go and will speak to Joe. Of course, DH knew the parent and should go to support Joe and to pay his respects. Plus if he didn't go the wider friendship group would ask why DH isn't there and know what happened in our past (which I've tried to keep as private as possible...).

I guess I know that there is nothing I can do, and it's right that DH attends the funeral. But I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this. Of course it would be wholly inappropriate for the OW to speak to him at a funeral but they might exchange words at the wake... be in a situation where they have to talk etc. I trust DH but I also know 1. DH is a people pleaser 2. DH isn't rude so would likely engage in conversation and I would likely never know. I guess my ultimate fear is they rekindle their cyber relationship (perhaps more who knows!) and I just don't really know how to handle this situation ... any advice would be really appreciated!!!

OP posts:

FiveShelties · 03/12/2023 07:39

Do you mean you don't know how to handle the situation if they have an affair? Or if they have a conversation?

Original poster

Orla32 · 03/12/2023 07:43

Good question. I actually don't know what I'm asking. If he had an affair then yes, if I found out it would be over. I think I don't know how to handle the whole situation... I.e., just say nothing, question him if OW speaks to him / vise-versa (but I wouldn't know 100%). I'm just not sure... I guess this is bring out trust issues which isn't great in a marriage. I don't know how to go about having a conversation with DH about it or how to act/handle after he returns from the funeral.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2023 08:03

I don’t see why you continue in a marriage that has no trust.
You seem fixated on this one woman from years ago, yet he could actually be up to something with any woman.

Epidote · 03/12/2023 08:05

The funeral is a thing, her assistance is another.
If both of them are there they shouldn't cross words or no lesd that a courtesy one minute stuff.
I wouldn't object to he going to the funeral and I wouldn't say a word about her presence. Depending on his and her behaviour I would be reassessing the situation.
It is a moment of respect for the deceased and for the living if they don't maintain the respect that will speak louder that loud.

At the end of the day you can't control their behaviour. You are reacting to a "what if" and although I understand your worries is something you cant control.
What if he doesn't go and she txt him after with a oh I didn't see you.

What if he doesn't go and he txt her after saying I didn't go because my wife bla bla bla.

What if ......

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 03/12/2023 08:18

Can you go to the funeral too?

FiveShelties · 03/12/2023 08:19

If you cannot trust him to attend a funeral, then I think it us time to call it a day.

If you do decide to carry on I would definitely not ask him about her.

JacklynBlue · 03/12/2023 08:26

His past behaviour has led to trust issues. Issues which you have to live with. They might not be apparent every day but on occasions like this, they bubble back up to the surface. Trust, to me, is like a bubble. Once it's burst, it's burst. You just live around it.
His options? He goes, and you can wonder whether he behaves or not. Or he doesn't get to go, because of his past behaviour which he'll see as your problem even though he caused it in the first place.
At the end of the day, he'll cheat if he wants to. He already has by sexting and arranging to meet her.
Does he get to go to events when she's there? Not in my world. You've lost your peace of mind because of him. He can miss a funeral.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 03/12/2023 08:27

Why did you marry a man you don't trust?

AllEars112232 · 03/12/2023 08:27

I can understand a moment of being thrown back to that time, but you need to consider the years in between. Has he given you a reason to distrust him since?
if not, then concentrate on that.
You should not try to stop him going because she will be there, you never know he might talk to her and thank his lucky stars he chose you!
(also can you get some sessions with a counsellor to talk this through so you can avoid this feeling of doubt in future?)

Ffsnotaconference · 03/12/2023 08:30

How long have you been married?

How long ago was texting?

flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 08:34

It was years ago, it was stupid and immature, DH felt it was a mistake, grew up and moved on. You both did right? It shouldn't be an issue now. If he sees OW it shouldn't bring anything up. Maybe a cringe. I would be cringing so hard if it were me and that's about it. I would definitely pretend nothing happened, be super nice and friendly outwardly. But inside just dying from embarrassment. That seems like the somewhat normal reaction when there's an unavoidable run-in with someone who was once part of a stupid sexual thing. If you have trust in your relationship neither one of you should even give it a second thought.

Smugandproud · 03/12/2023 08:35

As pp said, go to the funeral too.

WatermelonSugarLow · 03/12/2023 08:37

Relationships are all about trust (sorry, cliche I know, but true). It shouldn't be that trust is "maintained" simply because the opportunity doesn't present itself. That's not trusting him, that's just removing or reducing the opportunity of whatever it is you're worried might happen.

I always had quite a wise head on young shoulders when I was dating many years ago back in my teens. I was never one to get tetchy if a boyfriend wanted to go out or away with the boys. I always felt those nights proved the trust in our relationship. By getting possessive and moody and saying I didn't want him to go (like some of my friends would get) didn't prove anything about loyalty, it just removed the opportunity for him to show trust and loyalty.

OP, the issue with the OW happened many years ago. You have a family now. Surely you're in a place where DH could have a conversation with anyone, even if it is the OW, at the wake, safe in the knowledge that he shares his life with you, not her. If you genuinely think that one conversation with the OW at a funeral is going to light the fuse for a full blown affair then yes you have a problem in your relationship. Otherwise, try and be rational and take comfort and be proud of the fact that DH is married to and shares his life with you and not anyone else.

Ellie1015 · 03/12/2023 08:53

It was messages only and years ago. I would have been very uspet at the time but sounds like you have worked through it.

One of her parents has died I very much doubt she will be thinking anything romantic about your dh. Of course he should talk to her to offer sympathy, if you are worried about this leading to anything else then you don't trust dh.

perfectcolourfound · 03/12/2023 08:58

In your first post you say that you trust your husband. If that is true, then there's no problem, no issue to resolve.

If you trust your husband that means that you'd have no problem with her talking to him, as you know he wouldn't be tempted to revert to their old ways; it means you're confident he wouldn't lie to you or cheat on you.

Your concerns suggest that you don't really trust him, which is a much bigger issue than who attends the funeral.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/12/2023 12:28

In the nicest way possible you need to grow up. This appears to have happened years ago, they will see each other for a few hours max if she goes. You either trust your husband in which case it’s a non event, or you don’t in which case you have bigger problems

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/12/2023 16:06

There needs to be trust in a marriage OP.
Time to let it go or move on.
You will make yourself very unhappy otherwise

UsingChangeofName · 03/12/2023 16:15

If you don't trust him, you shouldn't have married him, or had dc with him.

This is beyond strange that this is even coming into your mind.
His longstanding friend's parent has died, and he is going to a funeral to support his friend. He isn't going away for a drunken weekend. He is going to a funeral.

Of course he is likely to pass the time of day with other people he knows there at some point, but if you think that is going to lead to some sort of affair, then your issues go a lot deeper than your dh going to a funeral. He could be having an affair with any of the people he comes into contact with in any aspect of his life over the last however many years you are together if he were inclined to. I hardly think a funeral is going to suddenly start being unfaithful if he hasn't been over all the past however many years you've been a couple.

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