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Original poster

Partner's immature behaviour

23 replies

Della88 · 03/12/2023 01:45

Hi, just typing this as I can't sleep. Today I tried to discuss with him how I'm struggling with my mental health and feeling depressed. I have health issues and find it hard to cope sometimes. Rather than be bothered to listen to me, he's started an argument for absolutely no reason, then blamed me for causing it. Rather than come to bed, he has chosen to sleep in another room, totally blaming me for the whole incident. He has a history of being immature in this relationship, but is supposed to be working on being better at working problems out in a mature way...that clearly has not been the case today..just left wondering what I have done to deserve this? Just feel so alone and needed to talk

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 03/12/2023 01:47

Oh dear, not very supportive is he. Had a tantrum and flounced off, and tried to blame you. I guess you have to ask what the positives are that make you stay.

Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 01:54

DustyLee123 · 03/12/2023 01:47

Oh dear, not very supportive is he. Had a tantrum and flounced off, and tried to blame you. I guess you have to ask what the positives are that make you stay.

In other aspects he is kind and considerate, it seems to me that he does this when he doesn't want to deal with listening to my issues, is it too much to ask a partner to support you when you need to talk? I feel like I'm being treated like the villain here and I'm really not

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 03/12/2023 02:01

You're just wasting time with him.

If at some point you want children then he's going to be a very poor role model and he won't be able to cope children at all.

Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:04

ChateauDuMont · 03/12/2023 02:01

You're just wasting time with him.

If at some point you want children then he's going to be a very poor role model and he won't be able to cope children at all.

Thank you for your support, I'm 63 years old,so no worries about children

OP posts:
Galectable · 03/12/2023 02:34

Was he drinking? He may have an avoidant type of personality and can't deal with anything that sounds like criticism. You may be better off without him. I am sorry you feel so alone. If you separate you can make some new friends who are good listeners.

Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:40

Galectable · 03/12/2023 02:34

Was he drinking? He may have an avoidant type of personality and can't deal with anything that sounds like criticism. You may be better off without him. I am sorry you feel so alone. If you separate you can make some new friends who are good listeners.

No, he wasn't drinking, he had just come home after working away all week

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 03/12/2023 02:44

You're 63 years old?! Fucking hell. Your op sounds like a 20 year old in a relationship with a 15 year old.

Life is too short to put up with such an idiot, you must surely want better than him.

You've lived most of you're life. Do you want to spend your remaining years with him, really?

flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 02:45

The thing is, if he hasn't grown up by now he's not going to. Immature men seek out women who enable them the same way their mothers did. No matter how old they get, they're basically in a suspended state of boyhood. That's why they're called Peter Pans. My ex was like this and I'm determined to never make that mistake again. It's so unattractive, how can you stand it!

Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:47

Hermittrismegistus · 03/12/2023 02:44

You're 63 years old?! Fucking hell. Your op sounds like a 20 year old in a relationship with a 15 year old.

Life is too short to put up with such an idiot, you must surely want better than him.

You've lived most of you're life. Do you want to spend your remaining years with him, really?

I completely understand I am being an idiot and treated like shit, I'm unable to work and honestly don't know how I would manage

OP posts:
Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:50

flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 02:45

The thing is, if he hasn't grown up by now he's not going to. Immature men seek out women who enable them the same way their mothers did. No matter how old they get, they're basically in a suspended state of boyhood. That's why they're called Peter Pans. My ex was like this and I'm determined to never make that mistake again. It's so unattractive, how can you stand it!

That's a really interesting thing you said in your post about enebluthe behaviour like their mother did. Can you explain further?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 03/12/2023 02:50

@Della88 Don't waste anymore time with this person. (I'm same age as you).
Better nothing than the wrong thing is my mantra.
Start your new happy life elsewhere 🙂

Hermittrismegistus · 03/12/2023 02:52

Can't you go on Universal credit like lots of people do? If you're truly unable to work then ESA and/ or PIP would help. Yes, you won't have much money but at least you don't have some fool around your neck. You could culture friendships, join a cheap hobby group, chat to people online if you feel lonely.

Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:52

Monty27 · 03/12/2023 02:50

@Della88 Don't waste anymore time with this person. (I'm same age as you).
Better nothing than the wrong thing is my mantra.
Start your new happy life elsewhere 🙂

Yes, totally agree I deserve better, its so hard to move on when you have health issues and no money

OP posts:
Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:55

Hermittrismegistus · 03/12/2023 02:52

Can't you go on Universal credit like lots of people do? If you're truly unable to work then ESA and/ or PIP would help. Yes, you won't have much money but at least you don't have some fool around your neck. You could culture friendships, join a cheap hobby group, chat to people online if you feel lonely.

I possibly need to talk to someone, my head is all over right now, I'm ashamed to say I really thought he could change, I'm fooling myself

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 03:01

Della88 · 03/12/2023 02:50

That's a really interesting thing you said in your post about enebluthe behaviour like their mother did. Can you explain further?

Show quote history

So with these immature men they came from a home with unhealthy relationships with their parents. So for example my ex's dad was an abusive alcoholic and his mom made up for it by coddling him, never holding him accountable or giving him any responsibilities or consequences. He lied to get his way and she always gave in. She gave him whatever he wanted and continues that to present day. He never had to face reality like adult humans normally do, and his mom always made his life so comfortable he has no reason to change. She still gives him money, believes every lie, thinks he can do no wrong, etc. He actively seeks out "sweet" women- they don't challenge his lies, they make excuses for him, they don't expect him to take responsibility or go to therapy, etc. As long as she acts like his mom he lets it go on. The moment someone confronts his lies or wrongdoings he starts to cry, runs away, or argues like a child. Many men get violent if they are an aggressive type. There's many variations of this, but the dynamic is usually the same. Dads can enable their sons to be Peter Pans as well, but this mother/son dynamic is really common.

Original poster
Della88 · 03/12/2023 03:17

flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 03:01

So with these immature men they came from a home with unhealthy relationships with their parents. So for example my ex's dad was an abusive alcoholic and his mom made up for it by coddling him, never holding him accountable or giving him any responsibilities or consequences. He lied to get his way and she always gave in. She gave him whatever he wanted and continues that to present day. He never had to face reality like adult humans normally do, and his mom always made his life so comfortable he has no reason to change. She still gives him money, believes every lie, thinks he can do no wrong, etc. He actively seeks out "sweet" women- they don't challenge his lies, they make excuses for him, they don't expect him to take responsibility or go to therapy, etc. As long as she acts like his mom he lets it go on. The moment someone confronts his lies or wrongdoings he starts to cry, runs away, or argues like a child. Many men get violent if they are an aggressive type. There's many variations of this, but the dynamic is usually the same. Dads can enable their sons to be Peter Pans as well, but this mother/son dynamic is really common.

Show quote history

Flowerchild, I'm really sure you are quite correct here. So, because he wasn't interested in listening to me or trying to understand my concerns, he had a tantrum? Am I understanding this correctly? So, how do you deal withis behaviour?

OP posts:
flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 03:23

Della88 · 03/12/2023 03:17

Flowerchild, I'm really sure you are quite correct here. So, because he wasn't interested in listening to me or trying to understand my concerns, he had a tantrum? Am I understanding this correctly? So, how do you deal withis behaviour?

Show quote history

Precisely! He's not going to grow up. He was failed by his parents honestly. I saw you don't have money to leave. Maybe you can figure out a way with help? If not you're either stuck in a mother/child relationship or you cohabitate as roommates to keep your sanity. I hope you can figure out a way to live without him though, I know when I got out I looked back and wondered how I let it happen to begin with. Hindsight is 20/20!

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/12/2023 03:26

not everyone is into long term health challenges.
it's one thing to drum up some empathy for a broken leg, 6 weeks of healing, or even over the weekend for a case of d&v.
some people just don't have the mental space to show empathy for the same ongoing relentless never improving conditions that people can have.
i doubt this situation will improve and if anything it could progressively get worse or even verge on abusive (neglectful of your needs or downright negligent in administering care).
although it sounds like living solo might be difficult i suggest you dump him and look into other living arrangements where care is available (assisted living with caregivers available on site) much better than this hurtful fellow.

Cappuccino17 · 03/12/2023 03:27

Yeah i think immature avoidant men do run from problems rather than face them head on like a real man. Mental health issues aren't thier problem thyl believe and they'll expect you to seek support externally but not ask them for any support. Its more about them than it is you. Unacceptable.

I would think make a larger external network so you don't place too much pressure on him as avoidants function like that, that's if you do want your relationship to work and you have other positives and you both love eachother. Ring and meet friends or ring helplines for your mental health issues so you have a safe place to express your emotions without internalising. Otherwise if you are very unhappy you can leave him.

Josette77 · 03/12/2023 05:53

I know people are going to hate me for this, but if he just got home from working away all week, and you immediately unloaded on him it's possible he's just bloody exhausted.

Living with someone who has a mental illness (I have severe OCD and ADHD) is a lot sometimes.

Maybe he just needed to decompress first?

WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 05:56

Josette77 · 03/12/2023 05:53

I know people are going to hate me for this, but if he just got home from working away all week, and you immediately unloaded on him it's possible he's just bloody exhausted.

Living with someone who has a mental illness (I have severe OCD and ADHD) is a lot sometimes.

Maybe he just needed to decompress first?

Yes all of this

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 03/12/2023 07:02

My ex was like this.
Wasn't interested in any of my problems, didn't want to hear anything negative, took everything I said as a personal slight on him.
It makes for a very lonely life.
He was always telling me what I did/had done wrong and how much better he would do/handle any situation better than I could.
I figured it out in the end, he learnt this behavior during his upbringing, his dm hung on every word his df said, his df is a racist/misogynist/homophobe all that good stuff.
His DM never had a voice, when df speaks his DM looks up at him smiling like he's an oracle.
Ex just expected the same adoration and silence from his woman.
Please note that he's an Ex

ChateauDuMont · 03/12/2023 10:47

You don't need this at any age let alone at 63!

From your post I really thought you were talking about a young man as he sounds so childish, so that's why I thought you were also much younger.

He's not going to change, this is how he is for the rest of his life.

If you stay with him your life will become less bright each day until you're living in a completely gloomy atmosphere.

I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him, let alone spend the rest of my life with him!

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