Brother can’t hold down a job

[Channellingsophistication]

DB has (undiagnosed) learning disability and possibly aspergers and lives alone following his divorce many years ago.

He can’t hold down a job, finding them boring each time and getting sacked because he isn’t interested. He says he cant be bothered, so his attitude is poor and he can be rude to people. (I have wondered if he can’t remember what he has to do or doesn’t understand, although he is experienced in his field).

However each time he’s in between jobs which is often, my parents and me have to give him money for his rent and bills - parents are mid 80’s and this causes worry and friction between them. In fairness DB pays me back generally. He does also continue to look for work.

It’s really frustrating but I don’t know what I can do or say to help? I do worry about the strain on my parents as they both suffer anxiety.

I have wondered whether a diagnosis would help him at work but know he’d be hugely offended at the suggestion he had any difficulty.

Stop giving him money. You can't stop your parents doing it but you can. My brother has had money issues all his life and mum and dad got him out of trouble each time. He eventually left a good job and went travelling for a while. He used an inheritance which he blew through then was in debt all over the place. He had to come back home and live with our parents and he never left. After dad died, he walked out of three jobs because he knew mum would cover him. He's a leech. I have no respect for him.

Stop bailing him out.
I'm sure he will find work much more 'interesting' if he doesn't have the bank of mum, dad & sibling to fall back on.

Stop bailing him out and suggest National Careers Service

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand Sorry you are dealing with this too- its so hard seeing parents taken advantage of. It causes friction between mine as mum helps him and dad thinks he should stand on his own too feet given he is 50!… parents are mid 80’s and I hate them having the worry of it.

I’ve told him I wont lend him money any more. I will also butt out as I try and encourage him to be positive but it falls on deaf ears.

I’ll direct him to careers service thanks

You and your mother have been enabling the very behaviour you don’t like.

It's all very well for people to say stop lending him money but what exactly would the consequences of that be?

I doubt it would make him any more likely to keep a job.

Sounds like he needs an assessment and possibly some help via adult social services to help him claim any benefits and or PIP he may be entitled to.

Has he been like this his whole life, does it seem to affect him negatively?
It can't do his self esteem any good having to ask for money all the time at his age if he is genuinely struggling.

If he has a diagnosis he could request reasonable adjustments at a future job, and apply for access to work for extra support.

My friend has just gone down this route after repeatedly being off sick for 'bullying' - after the fourth job that this happened we started to realise she was the common denominator and encouraged her to go for a private assessment. The problem was she had no awareness of how rude she came across to other people (eg when she disagreed with their opinion she would think they were stupid and at times would tell them!) She felt she was factual other people felt she was rude and would respond accordingly, she felt their behaviour was unjustified= bullying.

She's now working for a local authority with adjustments in place to work hybrid and wear headphones in work, and work more autonomously (she can work really well on her own but less so in groups)

Thank you for comments. He was more settled in his 20s. I don’t think it affects his self-esteem to ask for money as he’s seems relaxed about it.

I worry about the idea of an assessment for a diagnosis as he also has a stammer and when his workplace at the time suggested measures to help him, (he had trouble speaking into something, so they gave him a handheld device to enter data into ) he was outraged as thought they shouldnt have mentioned it and promptly left. He doesn’t think he has any kind of issue and thinks it’s the long list of workplaces that he’s been at that are terrible. Even when he has been supported at workplaces in the past, he has not recognised it or appreciated it. However I will give the idea of diagnosis some thought again as it may help long term. Thank you