Lost and confused

[33andlost]

Desperate for any advice. I have just turned 33 and I’ve been with my partner for 7 and a half years. He is the most wonderful, caring, loving person and I have always thought of him as the one. I love him so much.
When we met, I was 25 and he was 32…I mentioned having kids one day about a year in and he said he’d never really thought about it but didn’t rule it out. Over the years, our relationship has been so so good - we get along so well, share interests, have fun, laugh. We bought a beautiful home together 3 years ago and we have a dog together who is almost 5 and we’ve had him since a puppy. But the baby issue has always been there, brushed under the carpet for so long.
The other issue is - for the past I would say 5 years, I have always been the one to initiate sex, he never ever does. He is affectionate but he never gives me any signals that he wants sex. He is happy to have sex with me when I initiate but never tries it on himself. I’ve raised this with him several times over the years but nothing ever changes.
Earlier this year, I gave him an ultimatum regarding the baby…I said I wanted to start trying in August…he agreed. August came and he couldn’t perform. We started to see a counsellor. Now he has finally made his decision that he doesn’t want a baby. And I am so terrified of losing him that I’m wondering whether I can give it up. But I know there’s the sex issue too. I love him so much and the thought of losing him and all we have is too much to bear at the moment. We have said that it is over but we’re still in the same house and still getting along, being there for each other. It’s just a mess and I truly do not know what I want anymore.
I’m so scared that if I give up on this and try to move on…I won’t meet anyone that I love as much as him and by the time I do, I might be too old to have a baby anyway. And I also can’t imagine a life without him.

If you've managed to find someone in this big world that feels like your ride or die person...don't risk that for anything imo.

I know a lot of people will say 'leave him if you want a baby'.

But I'd rather be thankful what I have personally.
Not try to swap it for some being that literally doesn't exist.

I mean the dating scene is atrocious too!

My friend is now in her mid 60's and never having children is something she'll never get over. Her first DH decided he didn't want kids and she loved him so much she stayed. They then split up in their early 50's by which time it was far too late for her.

So difficult and it depends how much you want a baby? Its baby or him isnt it. He hasn’t been honest with you though and strung you along a bit by the sound of it.

Can you imagine being with him as you are just you and him for ever?

For me having a child has enriched my life more than any man ever could.

That’s exactly it…baby or him. And that just seems like an impossible decision. But added to that, he doesn’t seem to want me to choose him because he knows how much I want a baby and he doesn’t want to force me into a life I don’t want. And honestly no I can’t imagine being with him how we are for ever, I think I’ll resent him eventually…I already do sometimes as wonderful as he is.

This is exactly my worry, I don’t want to look back and regret not giving myself the chance to be a mother.

He really does feel like my ride or die and I do feel like I’m losing everything but I know that almost 8 years is a very long time so it’s a shock to the system to even contemplate my life completely changing. And I know what you’re saying about the dating scene…I haven’t done it since my early 20s and the thought of it truly terrifies me.

It sounds like he wants to end the relationship, but doesn't want to initiate the breakup himself. This way it looks like you are leaving him. If he truly wanted to be with you he'd be keen - or at least willing - to have children with you. His reluctance to initiate sex is a red flag too. You are still young. I think with the right support you will flourish in the next stage of your life. Find your wings and fly!

Sorry OP this must be very stressful.
If you want to at least have a chance of having children, you need to get going. He’s wasted 7 years already knowing you wanted children.

I would find the fact he never initiates sex very hurtful. Has he given a reason for this? Was it to avoid pregnancy?

At this stage, with him not wanting intimacy or a family with you, isn’t he more like a housemate/friend than a partner anyway? Sounds like maybe he’s moving on?

There are lots of ways to meet new people, you will be OK. 💐

Bare in mind it's only a 'chance' at a baby (and that babies grow up so - do you want children or just 'a baby?' cause baby broodiness is a thing but its not the same as wanting to expand your family through having kids).

Also look into the affects of having babies on the body. Pregnacy, birth and longterm. Read up on things. You might decide you don't want to got through with that.

Thirdly, this 'chance'. Am I right in thinking you are 32 now? So...say you leave this guy...maybe going to take you a year to want to date again? And say...2 years to meet someone who's relationship suitable and who will last long enough to discuss kids.

Let's say that works out and you make it to what...2 years in, and start talking about babies (assuming we're skipping marriage...which, isn't wise before kids with someone youve only known a few years but heyho) and you start trying at 37...

Realistically though it'll probably be more like 40 as you'll find a few guys that seem suitable but at about 6 months to a year in, prove not to be and end up having to be given the elbow.

So unless you 'settle' for the wrong guy, you might find having kids a real struggle.

Of course, plenty of people have them later in life but - it's always just a 'chance'.

That being said, based on your update it seems like your partner may not be for you longterm. Perhaps it's best to let him go and he can find someone else who is childfree. And you can take a chance on finding another good man, who wants what you want.

Thank you for this, especially the end part ❤️

Thank you…he’s not the most confident and he suffers from anxiety badly, overthinking everything so this has always been the reason behind not initiating sex, he talks himself out of it he says 🤷🏻‍♀️ it has definitely crossed my mind that we are more like friends for sure and our counsellor has said the same thing. I suppose I’m just finding it very hard to make that adjustment in my head and see him differently.

If you decide to stay with him and not have a baby and he starts acting out when it's too late for you, might you not be extra willing to put up with him knowing you gave up your fertility for him? Not sure how to articulate better, but it might cement the idea that he's your one and only once you've gone past the point of finding someone else to have a family with and make you put up with bad behaviour from him. I'd personally leave, I think most long term partners feel like your one and only if you get along well rather than him being the ONLY one.

@Galectable ""If he truly wanted to be with you he'd be keen - or at least willing - to have children with you."

no no no no no no. Channeling Lavon Hayes with my no!

I am childfree. I couldn't have an unwanted child no matter how much I loved someone. If they are not childfree, they are not my person.

OP I am sorry, but he has made his decision and now you need to make yours. Don't think about having a baby. Think about having the baby, the child, the teen, the adult, the person who will be your responsibility. If you want that, you have to move on. You don't want to be blaming him the rest of your life for being the reason you didn't have that.