Help me like (or at least be tolerant to) my MIL again

[Dunnowhatalltheacronymsmean]

I so wanted to have one of those lovely MIL/DIL relationships. Close and warm and feeling part of the family. For the sake of DH and DC I want to be able for us to all spend time together without me murdering her.

Before DH and I had children, all very amicable though quite different personalities. Red flag: conversation pre-marriage where she told me she would always be the most important woman in DH’s life.

Announced when meeting DC1 they would up visits to fortnightly Friday - Sunday, along with daily hour long video chats (we’d see each other maybe once every three months before this). DH suggested that instead we meet fortnightly midway, for a day trip somewhere. Lots of crying from MIL. Unacceptable suggestion. We’re now on weekly video calls and full weekend visits every 5/6 weeks. If DC asks to talk to MIL/FIL in-between weekly calls, I get DH to call.

When we’re together I get on with FIL who is kind, respectful, and good company. I find MIL intensely irritating. I’m trying so hard to get over this. It’s gotten so I think I’m getting irrationally irritated by her well-meaning behaviour. Things that have wound me up:

DH getting DC ready to leave house asks me whether I think DC should wear thick coat or lighter coat. MIL interrupts to answer.

DC says ‘mum I’m finished‘ having eaten a decent amount of a large portion. Me: ‘are you feeling full?’ MIL interrupting: ‘you’re not finished yet! Have one more mouthful, at least.’

Me: can you pass DC2 to me to feed? MIL: no, DC2’s just tired [leaves room with wailing baby while I’m left leaking milk].

MIL to me: you’re too rigid with DC. You should make DC stay awake later when we visit.

MIL’s friend whilst eyeballing me: ‘I think it’s so sad when people restrict access to family.’

She’s upset she doesn’t see DC as much as she wants, and this upset is always aimed at me, not DH though DH doesn’t want to see his mum any more regularly that we see her. I absolutely dread spending time with her now, and get grumpy in the run ups to us spending time together. I try and hide this from DCs as think the more people who love them the better. I want them to have a good relationship.

Is it possible to get over disliking her so I can enjoy the regular time we spend together? Has anyone had a rocky patch with their MIL but gone onto better times? Give me your advice/tips!

Sorry that turned into a really long rant. Skip to the last paragraph!

No one, but no one, would have been allowed to walk off with my baby when he needed feeding. You need to stand your ground: give me my baby now. I’m not asking, I’m telling. And then stand up and take baby out of her arms.

Child finishing meal: say it straight after her - good, well done, you’ve eaten well.

Yes it was awful. It was a few days after birth and I made DH chase after her.

I have a feeling you'll get a hard time here from posters who'll claim they'd love their mil to give it a shit and take an interest in their children but I agree with you that she's overbearing.

Some things I'd let go and just let it wash over me. Refusing to give you your baby to breastfeed is completely unacceptable though. Don't ask her, just take your baby back. You don't need her permission to feed your own baby. You're in charge there!

Other than that I'd be very busy pottering about in the kitchen while they visit. Go and do something else while your husband facilitates the weekly phone calls with the kids. Take a step back, his mum his problem.

God she sounds very hard work. Sounds determined to make life difficult. I'm not surprised you're irritated.

I would certainly say life got easier with my ILs once ds was a bit older as they frankly got less interested at both ends. And it's easier to be calm about older children. This direct undermining of you with a young baby when every hackle and hormone is alert is very hard.

I can't really help, my inlaws tried very hard to be lovely and clearly meant well. Our clashes were reasonably infrequent and we got over them.

I think being passive aggressively jocular can help a bit - 'goodness me MIL you're doing the overwhelming matriarch bit today haha! Ill take dd upstairs for a bit' removing baby.

Hormones are all over the place so yes that probably does not help. I like the sound of passive aggressively jocular. Wish I could pull that off.

What does your DH say about his mothers overbearing behaviour, does he acknowledge how much her comments and actions upset you?
I would suggest he has a very firm word with her so she is aware she has crossed the line in her attempts to undermine you.
He needs to make it crystal clear that you have his full support and that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Why try? This woman needs very firm boundaries put in place by her son, because, quite frankly, she doesn’t exhibit any.

This is a husband problem. He seems to be aware of the issue, hence the push back, so see if he can put some healthy boundaries in place now.

I wouldn’t try to have a good relationship with her, you have tried and it’s unhealthy.

Sorry no real advice but solidarity! Mine is the same, she was especially bad during the early baby days but I still find myself ridiculously irritated now even when she’s (mostly) well meaning. I have endless stories but I remember when my daughter was poorly and I was giving her nurofen and she insisted she needed calpol instead, I said oh the nurofen will be fine. She sent FIL out to buy calpol anyway! Another time when I was worried about her weight, she insisted on taking her out for a walk, I agreed but said she was due a feed in 20 mins - she disappeared for an hour and a half…

Solidarity appreciated! Your stories have made me angry on your behalf.

I was half expecting to be told off by everyone replying for being petty, so it’s cheered me up that others think her behaviour is overbearing.

DH is painfully conflict avoidant so I think lets lots of things slide when I wish he wouldn’t. There was an incident that’s too outing to write here, where he did stand up for me in a big way, resulting in her not talking to him/us for a couple of weeks, so I do know he ultimately has my back.

Why try? I’ve written some (not all!) of her bad moments but she’s not wholly bad and DH loves her wants us to all get along I feel I should try. My family keep saying I should, for DH’s sake try and stay on good terms.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. She’s crossing quite a few and seemingly the men aren’t doing much to address her constant breaching of them. I would say something in front of ALL of them about the need for respectful boundaries ie mother in law, father in law and husband. It is abnormal for a mother to think that she is the most important person in the life of her married son, and basically all the other stuff stems from this idea. No happily married woman would see her son in this way. Her job as a parent was to allow him to enter adulthood fully equipped for adult life. Her job is not to undermine his marriage or to invade the space which should be occupied by his wife. This is not a competition, this is your life and your child and your husband. There’s room for loving interactions with his family, but being emotionally abused and manipulated is not a sign of love. It’s important to be firm and do not allow any ‘whataboutery’ to enter the discussion. This is about nipping the nonsense firmly in the bud….and if she persists in acting inappropriately, pause, then look her straight in the eye, wait a moment and say ‘are you feeling alright?’. If she brazens it out and repeats something stupid, pause and look her straight in the eye and say ‘I asked if you're feeling alright, you’re acting rather oddly, are you alright?’….and then if anything happens in front of your child, speak in your language to the child, saying ‘Granny isn't well darling, it makes her say and do silly things’. When you married you didn't marry his mother. There should be 2 of you in the marriage, there really isnt space for another adult.

The length of time spent together is too much. I'd sooner do a day trip every three weeks and meet half way. Or can't you alternate and you go to them but just do a day or maybe over night if too far to travel.

“No happily married woman would see her son in this way.” I think this is the problem, @Weonlyhavealoanofit . I can’t quite work out why they are still together as there seems to be no love, or even kindness between them. Separate bedrooms, and separate hobbies/interests. Bickering when they are together. Thanks for your wonderful and timely advice. Heading off there now for Christmas. For my present to myself I will set some firm boundaries.

@autienotnaughty I totally agree and tried to make this happen but she was totally against/offended by the idea and made DH cry for having suggested it. It was very unpleasant.

Lie that you or Dh now work some weekends, so can only do day trips. Preferably not at yours.

Buy a family season ticket for everyone for a farm/soft play in their area, so you or DH have to do day trips there with them.

"Catch" covid/d and v/chickenpox if they've never had it, on a regular basis, to have weekends off.

Enrol DC in a weekend club so you are busy.

Make dh do a day trip to theirs with oldest and without you to.give you break.

I've done so much to involve my inlaws, but when Dh can't be bothered and we don't see them they automatically blame me. DH said to me, of course they will blame you, they will never blame their son as to them it would reflect badly on their parenting.

She's already telling people you "restrict access", so you can't please her. I'm not suggesting you do that, but if she can't respect boundaries I'd start making up excuses to enforce them.

Honestly, she doesn't deserve a warm relationship with you or your children. Why are you putting up with this?

I'd half the visits and then cut back again next year, your children do not deserve to see you treated like this.

The need to start doing childcare for you. My DM is overbearing but it bothers me less when I am not there.

She can have her rules at her house whilst we are on a mini break in Paris. Or one night from the weekend you and DH go out for a meal or a day at a museum.

The adult to children ratios are off - make use of her.

Why are you so keen for her to have a close relationship with your children? If she cries and emotionally blackmails her son, the likelihood is that she’ll do that to her grandchildren too.

Not to mention her undermining their mum in front of them… honestly, I think they’d get more benefit from seeing you be assertive and (politely) standing up for yourself than they will from seeing you try to keep the peace.

It might get better over time. I had little in common with my MIL, found her wish to be ‘involved’ a bit intrusive and got irritated before she even arrived for each visit! Things got better as time passed, encouraged dh to visit her instead, with one dc at a time. MIL then moved to live very close by which I dreaded, but had to admit was the right thing for her. More frequent contact but in tiny doses was easier to live with.
Stand your ground where it matters and practice detachment. I baked and cooked so much in the few days after Christmas each year as MIL totally disinterested in food so I could ‘hide’ in the kitchen😂