OLD - seems to want to take things slow, we haven't even met yet!

[OLDater2]

Been chatting quite a lot for more than week now but there hasn't been any progression in terms of asking for my number, or suggestion to go out on a date.

The chat is flowing really well, we have things in common. Both mid thirties.

I asked him what he hopes to find on the app and he said ideally a relationship. But he is happy to take things slow to really get to know a person. (is this hinting at a reason why he hasn't asked me out yet?)

I feel like I might be wasting my time! But his messages are thoughtful and interesting and he asks questions. So its confusing.

Edited to add, he lives 20 miles away from me, so I wonder if that could be a reason not to ask me out yet as we'd have to travel.

Just decide how much time YOU think is reasonable to spend chatting before meeting up for a coffee or something similarly before it becomes a waste of your time.

Then when you get to that point, if he hasn't tried to set up a date and you're still curious to see what he's like in person, let him know that you would like to meet up and if he's not interested in that, you'll be moving on.

Personally, I wouldn't spend more than a couple of weeks getting to know someone online before wanting a casual date. Meeting up doesn't need to be a dinner or drinks. It can be extremely low-key. If he doesn't say he wants to meet up within a couple of weeks of getting on well online, I'd start thinking something was off. Either he's hiding something, is just after an ego-boost, or lacks the confidence to put himself out there in person.

A week isn’t that long but why not ask him if he wants to meet? As the pp said it can be quite casual, a daytime coffee or a drink, nothing formal.
At least you’ll know if you’re wasting your time if he makes excuses

Just enjoy the chats, it's better to take your time than rush into meeting someone. On the other hand, he could be meeting someone else. You just don't know, especially when you've only met online.

Twenty miles distance is not very far, especially in a car. I wouldn't worry about that.

Twenty miles is travelling?

I message three to four days max before arranging a date and time. Is he there to meet women or not?

Two weeks of chatting and then in-person meet up or it's over.

You can get a false sense of intimacy by just texting - don't fall into that trap. Watch Catfish!

Why don't you suggest a date?

It's not like you have to see him if he says no - so why are you waiting for him to do the asking. You're both on the dating site for the same reason supposedly.

Just say - "what about coffee on such&such a date?" If he's not keen, just say you're not looking for a penpal and pass on.

Just be a little wary, the ones who end up penpals are often married and looking for attention and thrills. No intention of meeting up.

Meet or move on. I wouldn’t text more than 3 or 4 times. If you don’t like them face to face what’s the point. Plus too many losers looking for ego boosts and smoke up their butt online!

But he is happy to take things slow to really get to know a person.
You only get to know a carefully curated version of a person through messaging. You need to meet to see if there's attraction and if he smells right.

You can get to know each other slowly after meeting, but I wouldn't hold off on the initial meet for long. Otherwise he could just be a timewaster or catfish.

Just ask him out.

A week isn’t long but you can’t get to know someone on a app

Agree with other posters - just ask him for a coffee.
I had lots of lovely conversations with men online, and then there was no chemistry when we met in person. I think a week of chatting is more than enough.

20 miles is nothing. Even meeting at a midway point is only a short drive for both of you.

As you say he seems interested and it’s going well, he might be really pleased that you ask him to meet up. And it’s a coffee, a chance to meet face to face and chat properly. And it saves wasting too much time if there’s no spark.

If hes keen he’s not going to say no and if he hesitates, move on.

Think we’ve all been there. I had one guy that we talked on phone every night for 2 hours or so for a week and I really felt there was a spark . Then we met and the second I saw him my heart sank and it was a really uncomfortable date as I didn’t want to be there but least no more time wasted.

More than a week chatting is enough time spent, you may not be attracted in real life, it's very low effort of him not to suggest a first date, I'd want someone more keen wouldn't you? suggest meeting and if he doesn't jump at the chance, move on.

20 miles? I suppose it depends on the type of area that you live in. If you are in a massive city it probably seems like a big distance because you have a high population in a smaller area. If you’re dating rurally or from a small town it’s not far at all.

I agree with that. I live just outside the m25 - 2 miles away comes under London borough. 20 miles into London would put me off as the journey would be horrendous (unless it’s very central) - 20 miles going away from London would be a breeze to drive. 20 miles the other side of the water, a big no due to the nightmare that is the dartford tunnel/bridge.

I still say ask him if he wants to meet for a coffee - at a midway point if that works.

Suggest moving to what’s app then video call and go from there?

I get where he’s coming from and I like to take my time getting to know people and letting love, romance, whatever develop naturally. But I also realise that OLD is not the platform to do this.

Penpal-ing with someone builds up an impression of a person – possibly a false impression. It might not be intentional but the idea of OLD is ultimately to MEET people with a view to it becoming romance. Messaging is only part of getting to know someone to see if there’s an attraction. The rest of your senses play a bigger part that you realise in attraction – sight, sound, smell, taste, touch – and if any one of those doesn’t “click” with you in some way, there’s not much point carrying things on.

And then there’s the ones who do trot out “taking things slow” because it’s part of a game for them – can they make you fall for them without you even meeting them. In that context, it’s either catfishing or an ego boost for their own benefit.

If 20 miles travelling is a concern to you, there’s not much point in progressing things just based on that. Or more of a reason to meet sooner rather than later so you can decide whether he’s worth that effort.

You will end up with a pen pal. You cannot get to know someone over messaging - you have to meet them first (even if just for a coffee). You could end up wasting a lot of time. This sums it up pretty well.