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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's lying....

9 replies

kayla12345 · 02/12/2023 15:01

My boyfriend of 4 years is acting suspiciously.
He's not active in social media but does have an old account he doesn't use but I hadn't deleted the account. Anyway last weekend we were in the car and it showed him as online so I questioned it and he said he doesn't know how as he hasnt even got the app installed.
today my daughter was playing o. My phone so I went in his phone and was scrolling on his TikTok - first of all an add for bumble came up which I thought was really strange as I know they are usually tailored to what you watch.
I then went to search for something on TikTok and in his search bar was 'people near me' and the town where he lives which I thought was strange.
So I shut down the TikTok app and went to hand his phone back but then on his Home Screen was the social media app that he said he didn't have on his phone.
Rightly or wrongly I opened the app and it was linked to his account but there was no activity for a few years as he's said.
I was so shocked I didn't say anything and just got ready and left with my daughter(we live separately). He could tell something was wrong and has been calling me since but I haven't told him what's wrong.
He's coming to mine in a hour but I just don't know what to do/say. Am I being crazy?

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 02/12/2023 15:06

Might he be using his old app to investigate the people on the dating site?

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2023 15:32

Honestly it sounds like you're being crazy.
Nothing you've found indicates anything much or is remotely shocking.

I noticed you said "but I hadn't deleted the account". Is this a typo? If not why would YOU be deleting his account?

That being said, sometimes we have instincts for a reason.

If he searched "women near me" maybe there'd be an issue. As is... I think you're clutching at straws.

Has he past form for cheating or something?
Or has he changed behaviour lately?

If not...this lack of trust alone in your relationship, isn't a good sign.

Ollifer · 02/12/2023 15:43

I do wonder how it must have been to date and have relationships before social media/mobiles/internet were around. I wish it didn't exist sometimes as it causes so much shite.

StrawberryRainbows · 02/12/2023 15:44

To play devils advocate, I don't have the dating apps, but I often receive the Bumble ads on Tiktok.

kayla12345 · 02/12/2023 16:12

Sorry yes it was a typo and meant to say he hadn't deleted the account. I wouldn't be suspicious about it at all but he specifically told me he had deleted the app and he clearly hasn't.

No he's never cheated on me (that I know of) and we spend pretty much all of our time together unless we both have our children and it's midweek (both 50/50 with children and live separately but spend weekends at one of our houses with whatever kids we have)

OP posts:
WorldCuppa · 02/12/2023 16:15

Honestly you sound like you’re being paranoid, and prying through his phone doesn’t bode well. If I were him I’d bin you off x

Tukmgru · 02/12/2023 16:20

Yeah sounds a bit like you’re overthinking it. He doesn’t use the social media account but has the app on his phone - I have loads of apps on my home screen I haven’t used forever. And on the advertising on TT - some of them are based on your previous search, but some are just based on what the company thinks people with your characteristics might purchase. So some dating companies will aggressively target some user groups. Doesn’t mean he’s been searching for anything that has driven that.

If there’s not any other behaviour you haven’t mentioned I don’t see anything to worry about here.

toddlermam · 02/12/2023 16:32

I've had ad's for dating apps pop up on my TikTok and I've never even had a dating app downloaded on this phone / since I've had TikTok

Burntouted · 03/12/2023 01:31

You aren't ready to be in any relationship. You don't trust him and you never will.
Obsessively wrecking your brain, checking his possessions, spying on him, and deleting his accounts isn't healthy.

You are treating him as if he is a child.

You cannot have a healthy nor productive relationship with anyone like this.

Whether he's cheating or not, this relationship should end. This relationship is unhealthy and dysfunctional.

If you've been tolerating him cheating you on, stop staying. If he promised he would change, he isn't unless he wants to.. He isn't going to stop. No amount of what you are doing will ever make you trust him or view him in a positive light again.

You cannot control his actions and behaviors, you can only control yours.

Respectfully, You do not need to be in another relationship unless you perhaps find the root and solutions in therapy.

Work on your self esteem and worth too.

Respectfully, work on providing and being a good role model and example for your daughter.

Stop exposing her to dysfunction, and work on your dysfunction.

You don't want her to wind up someone's doormat, and being paranoid with worry and fear that she could be cheated on. .so much so that she's making herself sick, and unhappy...do you???

You have to teach her to be strong, recognize red flags within herself, situations, and others...you have to teach her not to settle for dysfunction.

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