I will preface this by asking posters to please be sensitive as I'm writing from a psychiatric unit and genuinely trying to find answers.
I married a man who is a self diagnosed narcissist 15 years ago. His father had previously led a cult that collapsed in a scandal. The cult involved two shepherds and the rest of the congregation were the sheep. They were told how to behave with their money, weight, relationships - very controlling. My FIL has always been disappointed that the cult ended. He's a very wealthy, powerful business man and my ex husband works with him in the family business. Although my ex endured horrific beatings as a child (with the buckle end of a belt for poor reports when FIL knew he had dyslexia), he was hopelessly enmeshed with his dad and they did everything together. When I met my husband (online) I was quite vulnerable because I'd been recently depressed, but I was doing really well and practicing my profession in another country on placement. I was love bombed in style and before I knew it I was engaged. My FIL wanted a quick wedding and we were married within four months.
Once we were married I realised the trap that I was in. Everything I did was wrong and my husband hated me. The disapproval was intense and impossible to escape. The expectations were many and impossible to meet. My husband would go to work and come home telling me what my FIL had told him to say (eg. "Your behaviour is dampening my romantic ardour for you"). The family was convinced I was trying to take their son away from them. I didn't know it but my ex had been filled with doubts pre wedding and my FIL had been coaching him on what to say to me, using the mantra 'high conviction' which is what they say when they're doing business deals.
My ex would say that he only made 'simple requests' of me but I knew that if I didn't try to please him, there would be further withdrawal and disapproval.
I had to have sex every night because that's what my FIL did. I can remember drinking two glasses of wine (trying to keep up with my husband) on our honeymoon and then being physically woken up and forced to walk round and round the kitchen until I was awake enough to have sex. It didn't matter that I didn't want to. I prayed wrong. I brushed my teeth at the wrong time. I wore the wrong deodorant. I bought the wrong things at the supermarket - I was just buying chicken and vegetables but they weren't cheap enough. (He had 100k in his bank account). He bought expensive desserts which was different because they were 'his treats'. He wanted me to only eat sweet things on a Friday because that was 'sweetie day'. I had given up my career to be with him so I had no income and had to ask him for money each time I needed it. My family lived 50 miles away. A few weeks into the marriage I went back on two consecutive weeks because an old lady I loved had died. He used that opportunity to request that I go back no more than twice a month. When he complained about our spiritual relationship, I suggested that we go to the book store and buy a book to help us. He responded that we shouldn't be using the car for unnecessary journeys. I couldn't win. When I suggested that he spend his birthday watching a match with his dad (I knew it would be his preference) he said he felt controlled and apparently the whole time was spent with his mother in tears, discussing my failings. My MIL had caused havoc at the wedding by rearranging the seating plan at the reception and organising an after party that we hadn't known about so I wanted a little bit of space from her demands. When I finally had them for lunch and did my very best to be lovely (about six weeks into the marriage) my husband was angry because I hadn't apologised to her for all the hurt I'd caused her. I can remember feeling an awful sense of entrapment when he said that.
Because of our strict faith, it never occurred to me I could leave. I didn't know that my husband and FIL were working on a document that was basically a character assassination, accusing me of misrepresenting myself before the marriage and being 'not as advertised'. I had definitely changed since the marriage. I had become plagued with migraines, was experiencing panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. When I tried to share these I was accused of making threats. My FIL fabricated some accusations out of thin air, accusing me of believing my husband was in a sexual relationship with his mother. He circulated this and other documents. Our marriage counsellors knew my FIL from the christian counselling circuit and church work. They warned me that he was a narcissist with terrible attitudes to women. I realised he was instructing my husband not to lose control of his wife as he apparently had done. He then said the marriage should be annulled because I had hidden my mental illness (I hadn't).
During this time I became increasingly distraught, angry and desperate. I must have been difficult to be around. I swung between desperately trying to elicit approval and being furious that I was in this position. My husband had been in the habit of ending relationships at the first sign of a 'bad mood' (as his dad had done while dating) and he was completely out of his depth. I tried to deal with this well but he would ignore me until I flipped. Then he would call his parents and say he was frightened for his life (I had only left the room - I was not physically threatening).
As time went on, we had children. My husband stopped making demands but still did not seem to love me. He told me he couldn't say he liked me because then I might think I didn't need to change. My mental health deteriorated. Our child had autism and only wanted her dad. I was disabled for some years following her birth. I felt elbowed out of the family and it was terrifying. My husband showed signs of being gay and confessed that he had once tried to take advantage of a drunk friend in the past. He didn't care what that revelation might do to our relationship but he was feeling a crisis of conscience about it. I tried to support him. During this time I was still desperately trying to keep it together but was also terrified. It felt like every day was a car crash and I could never draw breath. Every day I was on edge wondering what my husband's mood would be - if I would be expected to stay out of the way or if he wanted to be married that day. On the rare occasions he wanted sex, it was like crumbs that I clung to. It didn't occur to me if I wanted sex - everything was about trying to elicit warn feelings. Yet I was also having outbursts of anger where I would rage about how trapped I felt and how unfair the set up was. I didn't recognize myself at the times and I still don't.
When he eventually told me he was a narcissist and had never loved me, my focus turned completely onto the children and getting them through each day. As the years went on, I started to feel dead inside. Nothing brought me joy and a terrible agitation began to take over my life. I became very suicidal. I to mood stabilizers that didn't work and would religiously avoid my husband to avoid feeling that despair and disapproval. I felt that he would prefer I was dead and I came to wish that I was. I felt unworthy of life, utterly hopeless, a basket case and longed for death.
Crucially, during some of my outbursts, I lashed out at my husband with my fists. I don't remember this clearly but I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and it contributed to my suicidal feelings. I wrote him awful messages. He became a victim of what I understand is called reactive abuse and I own this completely. A member of his family became aware and contacted social services. My children are now on a safety plan and I can't see them. I have gone from being a loving mother who did everything for my children to them being cared for entirely by my soon to be ex husband. He rang the psychiatric unit the other day to tell them I had been physically abusive to him and was not fit to care for children.
Only a few weeks ago he would have said I was a wonderful mother - everyone I know says this - and would have spoken highly of me to other people.
I am trying to understand my own behaviour and I take full responsibility for it. For the purposes of getting better, it would be helpful to understand why I reacted as I did. I can't across a check list for complex pstd and realized that every symptom applies to me. But I haven't been trafficked and I'm not a war veteran. I was taken as a prize from God and treated like a commodity but could this be enough to trigger the condition? I have not been violent before and have been a dedicated mother.
I wondered what others thought.
I know violence is completely unacceptable. It would just help me to understand and get the right help if I had a handle on why I've reacted this way. Thank you.