I got hit the first time but I didn’t help matters

[KatkinsandMarty]

Hi mums,

I’m really struggling. My husband is a self centred man and he does not know how to be a supportive person. The moment he needs support I am there present and will do what I can to help him. And he has needed it a lot.
Tomorrow I have our first fundraiser for a play park we are trying to get installed and I am a little stressed. The moment I feel anything big he feels it too but goes bigger. He has no emotional resilience. I am stressed and asking for help and he takes this as the moment to lay everything out how awful I am. He does this. Anytime I need help he takes the opportunity to add to my stress.
we have a child together who is my world. He is a lazy father. Will do the bare minimum and I am very concerned with ensuring my daughter
is nurtured and has a happy childhood.
we have recently moved area to the highlands to leave central Scotland where his family were causing a lot of problems. This was his decision. His family are a whole different topic. Too much money too little care.
we moved and I have become involved in all aspects of the community, getting involved with renewing the play park, working at the school,
volunteering. To make connections and friends for myself and my daughter. My husband works from home and has not bothered to meet anyone or do anything. He does the bare minimum in the house and when he does something he expects plenty of praise and I am not allowed to dare criticise.
i have raised my daughter by myself in a marriage. I feel like a single parent in a marriage sometimes.
last night I got really upset with him for once again choosing his moment to unleash whatever he been feeling because I have been feeling stressed and need him to step up. I got upset because once again he is doing this and we have talked about it. I was angry and tried to push him out the room. Our daughter was in the bath at the time and heard everything. I am always careful to not get upset with him in front of her. Anyway he started hitting me and pushing me. He has never done this before. I sometimes think he has no respect for me and now I see it is completely gone. He is a tall man of 6 foot 5 and I was pushing him to leave me alone as I was too upset to speak with him. Why does he do this? We have had counselling in the past for issues with his family and some of our own. I have no one really. My parents disowned me when I was a young teenager I have no relationship with them. I have no other family apart from 2 aunts who I’d be too embarrassed to help. I have none of my own money. My husband insisted on a wedding to please his mother when I got my grans inheritance even though I wanted to elope. I just want a happy life for my daughter and give her the childhood I didn’t have. But I have made a poor choice in my husband. I tried to leave him 3 times when we first got together as he was manipulating me emotionally and I didn’t like it. But he wore me down and here I am

Im sorry you are going through this. You will get lots of good advice on this site. You deserve more and this is not a good situation for your daughter to witness. Good luck.

He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He will not change and your daughter is already seeing violence and verbal abuse within her home. It’s no sanctuary to her either. Your own poor childhood primed you into being with your now husband.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. It can take several attempts to leave so do not blame yourself for not being able to before now. Abuse thrives on secrecy and you need to be able to talk and get support in both a calm and safe environment. I would also seek legal advice re divorce as knowledge here is also power.

Do contact Womens aid Scotland via their website

womensaid.scot

His violence and verbal abuse towards you and in turn your child is entirely his responsibility. You did not ever cause this to happen nor ever drive him into doing so.

I am so sorry.
He was emotionally hurting you, so you pushed him away and so then he physically hurt you. This is not right. You did not deserve this.

This whole situation sounds very complex (I’ve been there with an abusive husband), but in actual fact it isn’t. Society, the law, common decency tells us you don’t go around hitting people and you certainly don’t hit people you love. It isn’t love. He neither loves you nor respects you.
Simple.
It‘s not so simple to leave, yet you must.
Like death and taxes, this happening again and escalating is a sure thing. You must leave for you and your daughter. This is nothing she should be a survivor of.
Start planning, do not tell him it will make the situation more unsafe.
You may not manage it at first, on average it takes 4 attempts I think (it took me at least that) because these men are clever and break you down mentally until you aren’t strong enough to get away. I’m putting it out there to say that you mustn’t feel bad for not rushing out the door immediately and staying away. It’s hard.

But it’s not optional to stay. You have a child and you must prioritise her safety and yours for her. Knowing this will make you stronger. You’ve got this.

I'm sorry he did this. 💐
It's not your fault. These are his choices. Would you feel able to call the police? He assaulted you. They will also now recognise his coercive control.
Also WomensAid as a PP said will give you advice and support. CAB will offer advice about finances and benefits.
The Freedom Programme and reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud and Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft will help you emotionally reach a place where you're able to leave.

So you moved area away from familiarity and friends, is that correct? It sounds perhaps as if he partly did this to isolate you but you aren’t doing what he expects. This violence could escalate and you could be in very real danger. Please contact women’s aid and the police. I get it’s really, really scary.

Contact a women's charity and make a plan to leave. He will continue to hit you. He will blame you for the hitting. It's not your fault, if you stay it will get worse and he may eventually kill you.

You need to leave for yourself and your daughter. If there is no one to support you then a women's charity can do this.

You need to call the police and you need to leave with your daughter. Today.

He does it because he wants to. He does it because he likes the way it feels. Making you feel scared his happy place and he can go there whenever he wants. Also, think of him like an addict. He started small but is no longer getting the good feeling so has increased his level to get that good feeling again. And he will need to hurt you more to get that good feeling again.

He has no care for you beyond you providing the road to his happy place. Do not try to understand. You can’t. Do not decide to try to fix him. You can’t.

If you don’t call the police his behaviour will happily escalate because, “hey look, there is nothing to stop me”. Leave. Get your daughter out. After breakfast. You must be a parent now.

You and your daughter don't deserve this. You sound like you are doing and amazing job, but you deserve better. Is there a domestic violence helpline or similar you can call? He is abusive anyway, but he has given too far and I doubt this will be the last time. Reach out to your aunts, there is no shame in needing help. Your daughter will be much better not being in this environment and she will subconscious be learning that this behaviour is ok as many of us do. Please reach out to someone in RL. All the best OP. You are an amazing woman, it is clear by all you are already doing to ensure your daughter has a nice life

I work in domestic abuse, I'm really sorry that he has done this to you OP. His behaviour is disgusting and you need to call the police. They will be able to help you and you also need to contact your local domestic abuse team. You and your daughter are not safe with him and he hasn't done anything to show you he is capable of changing so please get out now before it gets worse. I understand leaving hard, but this is because of HIS actions and nothing you have done. There is support out there, you just need to be brave and ask. Good luck

It's very telling that you said "for the first time". You're expecting it to happen again.

I think the only plausible answer is that your marriage is over