How do I know if my marriage is over

[Bellao]

DH and I have been married for 5.5 years and together nearly 10. We have two DS aged 1 and 3 (3 year old has physical and learning disability). We have been really struggling ever since I gave birth to our second DS. DH isn’t an idiot and he does help around the house and with the kids but over the summer he had some issues at work that saw him leave and have 5 months gardening leave. He was really down during this time and started losing his temper with me and the kids, to the point I cancelled a procedure at hospital because I couldn’t deal with trying to recover from procedure while he was shouting at the kids. He has got a new job and gradually improving but he still loses his temper. We are on holiday abroad at the moment, he had two beers at happy hour about 4.30pm, then a couple more at dinner then got in a strop because our 1 year old accidentally knocked a bowl off the table when he was sat with him at dinner. Whenever he drinks he loses his temper with the kids and me. I’ve brought it up but he says I’m just making problems. He’s also started talking down to me too which really annoys me. We are under a lot of pressure and don’t often get time for ourselves or together and we are working on that.

I’m seriously thinking of divorce but how the hell do you make that decision? I do love him but I see the way his Dad speaks to his mum and I don’t want that to be us in years to come. We seem to be arguing all the time, I reckon we’ve gone to bed with an atmosphere between us 2-3 nights this week while on holiday. Is this normal when you have young children? I don’t want to break up our family if things will improve but I’m really unhappy right now.

Please be kind!

You don’t want to live with and raise your children in a household with a bad-tempered man.

Sounds like he already has turned into his dad!

He sounds very unpleasant and a poor role model for your kids.

You could insist on therapy or you're done.? But do you want to try?

Having young kids IS stressful but lots of us don't deal with it like that.

You could broach mediation to have an orderly winding up of things, including financials.

It sounds like you've both had a rough ride these last few years. Two very young children, one disabled, losing a job, hospital procedures.

The drinking implies he's unhappy at the moment.

It's sad how some men seem to check out when the going gets tough.

I'm not sure what I'd do in your position. How his dad speaks to his mum is a red flag. It sounds like you're trying to spend time together, which is good.

Would he go to counselling with you? You could bring up the drinking, his attitude, the way his dad talks to his mother, the way he is horrible to his own children…

Or you could just tell him it's over. I doubt he'll change, he's blaming you already.

He’s not like this all the time, it just when he gets in these moods. He spent the afternoon playing with our kids in the pool and was fine then got stroppy this evening.

we did have 6 counselling sessions but he’s reluctant to ever admit anything is his fault or needs to change. To be honest I don’t think the counsellor was that great and we probably need more sessions.

... "but he’s reluctant to ever admit anything is his fault or needs to change." If this is not addressed and acknowledged by him as an issue, you will struggle to make any improvements. He will continue to not take responsibility and blame you/the kids, and you will grow to resent it.

I spent nearly thirty years with a man who did not take responsibility for anything, including some major mistakes where "he knew best" and everything was my fault anyway. Don't be me and let him abuse you whilst you think it can be fixed. Set yourself a deadline and if no progress is made, leave.

I cancelled a procedure at hospital because I couldn’t deal with trying to recover from procedure while he was shouting at the kids.

Read that back to yourself. The above is NOT normal in a healthy, loving relationship. It is completely normal in a toxic one. Your health is at risk. The children's mental and emotional health is at risk. Why? Because of him.

If he won't change (and counselling has already shown he won't) then your relationship will never get better. Put yourself and the children first. He won't.