Friend avoiding me

[Xmasgrinchmas]

Just feeling so upset and used. A long term friend who I've given a lot of support to over the years has basically been avoiding me for nearly 6 months. Earlier this year I've been used to vent at about her toxic boyfriend , lots of red flags culminating in an episode of cheating which she found out about months after it had happened and she took him back despite saying she'd never do that and now it's like I don't exist. It's not as if I've said anything bad about him since they've been back together, just advised her to be careful but it's such a kick in the teeth to be dropped like that. I'm not sure if she's just so absorbed with him or there's something more sinister going on, like him isolating her from friends.

To add insult to injury I recently lost a parent and she's nowhere to be seen. Came to the funeral but that was it, there's been no support or asking how I'm doing apart from when I've contacted her first. Any attempts at getting together have been ignored or brushed off. She's with him all the time, although she apparently has time for other friends (seemingly those who don't know what happened with this guy). Some of her long-term good friends who have been concerned about this relationship she's either fallen out with due to speaking their minds about the situation or just avoiding them like with me. I've heard about people dropping friends because they're in a toxic relationship and sick of hearing about it but this is the other way about, she's the one dropping me, someone who has been there for her for years and for no reason. I don't even know if she's aware of what she's doing, in fact she's barely speaking at all now usually she'd update me on stuff going on in her life good and bad it's so unlike her. It's quite depressing to think that I mean so little to her and this guy who treated her like shit but has supposedly "changed" is her number one priority above all else.

Well you won't get through to her while she is 'loved up'. She may come crawling back to you when things go tits up. Do you really want to have her back in your life. It seems very one sided to me.

Some people just suck the life out of you, just leave her to it and move on you really don’t need this stuff in your life
You’ve been there for her the fact she didn’t even message after your loved ones funeral would be a deal breaker from me.

sorry about your loss OP

What I’m noticing in your posts is that you keep describing her in terms of all the support you’ve given her, and you being ‘used’ to vent about her boyfriend. You can’t ’be used’ without your consent. You chose to give her support and to be a shoulder to cry on, for whatever reason. Own that decision.

But recognise also that it simply doesn’t translate into her then giving you equivalent amounts of support. If you contribute to a dynamic where you’re always the support, always the shoulder to cry on, it can translate into you being largely ‘invisible’ to the person for whom you are providing the support.

People often drop the helper in better times, because they don’t want to have a reminder of how low they were, as witnessed by someone else. I know someone who never had any contact again with a formerly close friend who was the one to find her after she’d taken an overdose. She just didn’t want a witness to remind her of that period. It’s not unusual.

You are a reminder that her relationship is shit. She can't rewrite history if you are in her life because she knows you know the truth.

Thing is it's already gone tits up several times before, but she thinks it's different now as he's had some therapy.

Hmm yes I was there and she just vented all night long on numerous occasions about this and other issues. It's always been quite one sided but she's a good laugh as well.

She's always been one to have a balance in previous relationships always making time for her friends too, and even since she's been with this guy she'd see me frequently until this most recent turn of events.

It's so strange to think that a friend of over 20 years would do this. I'll concentrate on other people, be interesting to see if she comes crawling back again. Leopards don't change their spots and this guy seems quite toxic.

I agree with @Deathraystare. she’s probably a bit ashamed that after telling you what he was really like she’s now giving in and gone back to him. She knows she’s been exposed as weak, she knows she’s probably making a mistake and she knows you know it too. So she’s avoiding you.

sorry about your loss of your parent @Xmasgrinchmas, I know it’s a cliche but you really find out who your friends are at a time like this. A very good friend of mine who also knew my DF completely dropped me when my DF was ill and has, to this day, three years after he died, never so much as text me to say “sorry about your DF”. I’ve moved on now but I was so hurt and I don’t see her apart from in the street occasionally - some people just can’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Looking back I can see how self absorbed my friend was and how often it was all about her. Your friend probably will reappear sheepishly when the relationship breaks up again but I would do as you plan to do and develop other friendships and then decide whether in the cold light of day it’s worth bothering with someone who ignores a significant life event like losing a loved one.

@YouOKHun are you ok hun? Resurrecting a 4 month old thread when there are literally HUNDREDS ongoing to choose from?!

@ChinnyChin2 whoops; that’s my first zombie offence! And I went to so much trouble to answer it too …

This is it

I would vote for she is embarrassed of all the stuff she told you and she see that taking him back is something you are against it so instead of think he is the one she should get rid of is leaving you to arms length because she knows you don't like him.
People do stuff like this all the time.