He makes me feel ill, and has started being a bit aggressive, help.

[GutlessNamechanger]

I am in complete whirl about this. Dh has recently been suddenly quite violently tempered, usually after we've been arguing. He doesn't hit me, but he has grabbed hold of me and shaken me a few times.

He's never been like it before. We're going through a bit of a rough patch. I do not want to be crying DV for no reason at all, because I don't want to devalue women who have faced it.

The other thing is, I'm trying to work out the sexual arrangements. I've never refused him, or just been passive, but I don't find him physically attractive, and I never really have done. In fact, lately, he really repulses me.

He has no idea about that, and as far as he's concerned, everything is fine in that department. I've not brought it up in conversation because, well, you know "Actually, dear, you don't turn me on, you make me feel a bit queasy" is not going to ever come across constructively.

Any advice?

Bump for you

Grabbing hold of you and shaking you is never acceptable. No matter what the circumstances.

Do you think the relationship has broken down to the point that there is no hope? Or do you want to try and work things out with him?

If you do, then talking/counselling and some sort of anger management for him would definitely be the next step imho.

You don't have to put up with being treated like this or being miserable. You just need to work out what you want/need and take some (brave) steps to change things.

{{hugs}}

I'm not surprised that he repulses you if he is being aggressive towards you. it does sound serious. I'm sorry i have no advice having been lucky enough not to have experienced it, but I do think this is DV. There are a number of mners who will be able to advise you better. Sorry i can't be any help.

He needs some sort of anger management/counselling/help - this is DV, although fortunately you have spoken out at the beginning it seems.

Shaking you is not good - if he gets that angry, he should just walk away like any reasonable person would.

I don't think this is a case of "pack your bags now, you need to escape" (YET) but he needs to get help NOW or else it may well escalate in to such a case

Sorry to hear of this though - there is no need to namechange either; you have nothing to be ashamed of IMO

Thanks for bumping this, I was beginning to think that I was being stupid and this was just the way it is.

Sorry, name-changed because I've just done so much whinging here over the past few months, I don't want everyone to see my name and roll their eyes in boredom.

Anyway, meant to say he doesn't think there's a problem. He apologized, and he thinks I'm blowing it out of proportion.

They (perpetrators of domestic violence) always say you are blowing it out of proportion. Your OP states that this has happend 'a few times'. That means it's going to keep on happening, and may well escalate. Your partner is abusive. It may be possible to fix your relationship, probably with the help of counselling, but the first and most important step is for him to acknowledge that physicyally assaulting you is unacceptable and to STOP DOING IT.

Sorry, I think it probably is a case of 'pack your bags' - I know it's hard to hear that but he has lost respect for you and you (unsurprisingly) for him.

Unless he is willing to go to counselling NOW - and abjectly apologetic, whjich includes admitting there's a problem, you won't find things getting better.

If he is getting so angry and frustrated with you that he has shaken you, what would you say the possibility is that he will do it to on eof the children.
You may gasp and say never, but think back to before he did it to you, and what your answer would have been had someone said "Do you think he would ever shake you?"

These things, from what I hear, do tend to escalate, once the first line has been crossedit is easier to keep going. The apology always comes, but I would not believe him when he says it wont happen again, as you say, he has already done it several times.

I find it helpful to think what advice would you give a friend/sister/dd if they were in your position??

I think you should call it a day and leave. My DP has got nastier over the last few months, despite going to relate and whilst thankfully he never hit me I could see that it was going to happen at some point. last night I called the police and he has now gone. In my admittedly limited experience I'd either ask him to go to anger management / see the GP (he could be depressed) / see Relate (if he will agree) or make plans to end the relationship. Hope thats not too gloomy for you. hugs x

Meglet, how are you feeling? That was really brave, I know I would be shaken so hope you are Ok xx

thanks flight. i'm a bit shell shocked, but hoping that we can sort out everything without too much hassle. It's very scary but its good to know that I won't have anyone being abusive to me over every little thing. He really was getting out of control.

Yes I recall the immense sense of strength and freedom, when I did the same - knowing no court in the land could ever force me to have him in my home/bed again was very empowering.
Well done - I'm glad for you
Lots of cups of tea helps x

Lots of good advice already re the shaking, so I'll focus on the other thing.

If he makes you feel ill and queasy when it comes to sex then do you want to stay with him for the foreseable future? You say you've never found him physically attractive, so it's not likely to change is it? I thought the whole thing that distinguished a relationship from a friendship was the sexual attraction, if you haven't got that, is it worth being in a relationship with this man?

Well, we've been married for a few years and have kids, and that's over-ridden everything else, really. I can't leave that just because I don't actually want to shag him. Or kiss him, even. I'm being a real cow at the moment, too, I'm sure that isn't helping.

It doesn't matter if you are being a 'real cow' or not. He should not be being agressive with you.

But the main point here is that you wouldn't be leaving because you don't want to shag/kiss him, you would be leaving because he has become aggressive, grabbed you, shaken you and you can't be sure where it will end.

It may never progress any further, or you could end up in hospital. He needs to accept he has a problem and sort it, and you need to make sure he follows through, or else you need to assess whether it is worth the risk of it possibly going the other way. I'm sure we have all heard stories, and don't people always say, "I never would have thought it of him!!", even Ted Bundy's neighbours had no idea what he was capable of. I'm not saying your DH is a seriel killer but I will wager you never thought it would ever have gone as far as it has???