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Original poster

Partner reacts so badly to criticism.

23 replies

itscoldoutsidetoday · 01/12/2023 11:35

He literally can’t take anything. From me from his job. It’s starting to become a real problem.

Sometimes is not even a criticism and he responds very angrily. If I say something like him not doing enough around the house he will respond with well I’m not going to do anything at all then. He won’t talk anything through so we can come to an agreement.

He is quite giving when it comes to money but then he will withdraw it if he feels criticised about anything.

Surely in relationships sometimes you have disagreements and you need to work it out. I can’t disagree with anything of have an opinion about anything without worrying he’ll fly off the handle because for some reason he feels threatened.

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 01/12/2023 14:26

He's either manipulative - doing it so that you give up raising issues.

Or he's got a serious character flaw surrounding criticism. Think about a time where you were so angry/upset that you couldn't think straight, or talk about it, so you just had to walk away. This is what happens every time you pull these people up on something, however tiny. They take it as an attack - it completely destroys their ego. You can never reason with them because they live on the defensive. It is ingrained. You can't control his overreaction, or heal the wound.

So the result is a relationship where you can never ever express how you feel, therefore never get your needs met. I left a relationship like this, and was a shell of myself for years afterwards.

If you're married with kids, you could insist on therapy to explore it. If not leave him, today, 100%

retinolalcohol · 01/12/2023 14:31

Also I strongly recommend 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 14:34

Life's too short to spend with an angry man.

I mean if kids are a consideration then he's a no-go too because you can't have an angry man around kids or with someone incapable of compromise. It would be even more hellish than it is now.

Time to stop making excuses.
You can't spend your life walking on eggshells with a dickhead who doesn't like you having your own opinions.

He's controlling and it's not ok.
Run.

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 14:36

Ps: best advice I've ever heard was 'never marry someone who would be a nightmare to divorce'. I know you aren't married tf, but still, get out now!

KirstenBlest · 01/12/2023 14:41

Nobody likes being criticised.
If you are wording it as 'You never do anything around the house' he's not going to respond positively, whereas 'Could you do blah, please?' might work.

From your OP he sounds like a LTB case.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2023 14:41

Get rid, people like this don't change.

beachcomber70 · 01/12/2023 14:48

Partners like this are a nightmare. The fury, the angry words, the sulks, the silences, the denial of responsibility, the lack of apology, they're always right/you are always wrong. I walked away from mine. They do NOT change, it's a personality flaw which causes real damage to a [unequal] relationship.

Get rid, it won't get better.

ThelmaBorden · 01/12/2023 14:54

Is he an Aries? whether he is or not, his manner is disagreeable
and as wise posters have said, he will not change

CheekyHobson · 01/12/2023 18:05

As a previous poster said, it's worth checking in with yourself to see if you're raising issues in a way that is likely to encourage resolution, or if you're raising them in a way that's likely to trigger defensiveness.

Good: "I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the chores that are building up. Can we make a plan to get on top of them and stay on top of them?"
Bad: "There are a million things that need doing around the house and you don't seem to notice or give a shit. Why can't you do your share?"

If you're taking a measured approach and he's still being reactive and difficult, you're probably not going to get him to change.

And if he's the sort who can take it as a personal attack when you say something like, "Hey, the hinge on the pantry door is broken. We'll need to get someone in to take a look at that" or "Would you mind hanging your towels up after the shower instead of leaving them on the armchair in the bedroom?" then you know you're with someone with a serious personality flaw and they're not going to be someone who can work as part of a team.

I've noticed these types of people don't seem to know the difference between a complaint ("I don't like having to hang your wet towels up so that the chair doesn't get mouldy") and a criticism ("You're a lazy fucker who doesn't care if the armchair rots because you can't be bothered walking 10m back to the bathroom").

Watchkeys · 01/12/2023 18:14

Do you want a relationship with someone who doesn't allow you an opinion? If not, why are you choosing to have one?

TheHawkisHowling · 01/12/2023 18:14

He's not a good partner. It's great that you've spotted this.

No one should make you feel like you're walking on eggshells or like the entire burden of keeping him from acting like a child is on you.

Of course it's ok to disagree. Although he's training you to think otherwise so he has the perfect compliant little doormat wifey to walk over.

The only solution is to leave. These people don't change.

Original poster
itscoldoutsidetoday · 01/12/2023 20:51

I think he thinks he somehow is better than me as he earns more. He’ll often say well when you earn what I do or work as hard as I do you then you’d see why I don’t help at home etc. I’ve asked if he’ll cut the grass and just get a you don’t do anything all day so you do it. We have a young child and I do all the childcare and work part time. If I question him on this he just gets defensive.

I feel there is a power balance and he has it all.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/12/2023 20:53

You need to leave this man.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/12/2023 21:17

You are asking yourself why he does this. The answer is because he can and because he wants to.

You would be crazy to put up with this. You would be crazy not to leave.

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2023 22:02

You feel like there is a power imbalance because there is.

I hope you find the strength to leave so that your young child doesn't grow up thinking these are normal relationship dynamics. Seeing his mother shouted at and just, staying.

Start looking into how you would support yourself if you leave him. Get evidence of his income so that you can claim cms easily (eg: photograph his pay stubs).

Speak to a solicitor about any Co owned property.
Get your ducks in a row and say nothing to him until its time to go. Have a family member or friend with you when you do end things for saftey.

hattie43 · 01/12/2023 22:06

Isn't a narcissist bad at accepting criticism/ feedback ?

GreigeO · 01/12/2023 22:15

Is he an Aries

🤣

Loiteringwithoutintent · 01/12/2023 22:23

Another avenue to explore might be ASD. ASD people generally display heightened demand avoidance, often manifesting as seeing everything you say as criticism. The right ASD trained counselling can help if it is that.

pictoosh · 01/12/2023 22:23

If it sounds like an arsehole, it's an arsehole.
Sorry OP these people don't change. They have a profound sense of entitlement.

hellsBells246 · 01/12/2023 22:52

retinolalcohol · 01/12/2023 14:26

He's either manipulative - doing it so that you give up raising issues.

Or he's got a serious character flaw surrounding criticism. Think about a time where you were so angry/upset that you couldn't think straight, or talk about it, so you just had to walk away. This is what happens every time you pull these people up on something, however tiny. They take it as an attack - it completely destroys their ego. You can never reason with them because they live on the defensive. It is ingrained. You can't control his overreaction, or heal the wound.

So the result is a relationship where you can never ever express how you feel, therefore never get your needs met. I left a relationship like this, and was a shell of myself for years afterwards.

If you're married with kids, you could insist on therapy to explore it. If not leave him, today, 100%

This.

You HAVE to be able to discuss things in a relationship. You have to be able to negotiate and compromise. That's part of being an adult. But your p can't do that at all, so where does that leave you?

hellsBells246 · 01/12/2023 22:53

I've just read your update.

He's a cunt.

That's all.

roseopose · 01/12/2023 23:10

Leave him OP, I have just left a very similar man and the real breaking point was when our toddler DD said to me 'daddy never apologises for anything does he, but you do mummy'. And she was right, he never apologised for anything whether he caused intentional or unintentional upset. I would get heart palpitations when I had to challenge him on something or bring up a minor thing around the running of the house, it's no way to live and it's designed to train you out of voicing your feelings or opinions so he doesn't have to deal with them or change his behaviour.

Watchkeys · 02/12/2023 18:19

itscoldoutsidetoday · 01/12/2023 20:51

I think he thinks he somehow is better than me as he earns more. He’ll often say well when you earn what I do or work as hard as I do you then you’d see why I don’t help at home etc. I’ve asked if he’ll cut the grass and just get a you don’t do anything all day so you do it. We have a young child and I do all the childcare and work part time. If I question him on this he just gets defensive.

I feel there is a power balance and he has it all.

Stop analysing him. It doesn't matter why he does what he does. Ask yourself about why you do what you do. Why do you keep volunteering to be treated like this?

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