Feeling heartbroken today....

[popsicless]

I've left my marriage from my abusive exh.

Police involvement but no charges made. He's emotionally abusive and controlling. A narcissist. We have been together 8 years. He moved on to someone else in a couple of weeks after spending months of accusing me of having someone else - I didn't. Those times were awful. I had to FaceTime him to prove I had no one here. The story is long and complicated.

Right now, when we speak, he is nice and normal. The version of him I loved. He has left me alone (finally) and is now concentrating on his new relationship...I'm sure he was speaking to someone before we ended but no proof.

His texts have gone from every hour of pressuring me to come back or being horrible to me to none. I feel lonely.

I miss the version of him that she's getting. I know it's not real. I know how evil he can be. I know what he's done to me. But I'm heartbroken.

He's having therapy which I thought wouldn't last but he is continuing with it. I'm scared he really will change and she will get the version of him I always wanted.

How can he move on so quickly? I know why - she's his new supply. But it doesn't stop it from hurting me.

I've been so strong but yesterday it just all hit me. Everything has gone wrong at home (things breaking and stopping working) and I really feel someone out there is really testing me.

We have 1 dc together who exh hasn't seen for weeks but now wants to set up contact again. We're doing this through a 3rd party because seeing him is too much for me.

I thought my feelings for him were gone. I've called the police 3 times on him - how can I still have feelings for him after that?

It seems that now he's finally pulling away from me, I'm devastated when it's all I've wanted him to do in forever!

I know it's now things are calm that I'm feeling the pain. I just thought the pain was over and done with.

I have his messages silenced on my phone but whenever I check it and there's nothing from him, it leaves me feeling absolutely gutted 💔

I know who I married isn't the real him....but then I wonder if it's me. I've done the freedom programme and so much made sense - it was the best thing I've ever done.

Just yesterday he text me saying sorry for being such a dick and if he wasn't then things would be normal. The previous day he text saying I still mean the world to him and he cares for me. Yet he's in a new relationship. I do ignore them and reply to the bits I need too but it's so hard.

Just venting sorry x

He won't change
Even if hes putting on a show for her now it won't last
I've been there
I got very worked up that my alcoholic husband has stopped drinking and his new gf was getting the nice sober version of him I never got to have
It's was bollocks . He's since been banned from driving and lost his good job , ruined his career etc . He's an absolute mess and he's put her through the ringer
They don't change

Ahh you are going through the grief and loss now, that's all. It's just feelings of loss and sadness and why can't it be etc.

I can tell you that the amount of work he has to do is HUGE and is going to take years - years during which he will still be that awful person.

You don't need to pend that time hashing through it with him.

But back to you, do your grieving. It's OK. Its natural. He has taken you to hell and back but this is the end now. You can find a better man who is not fucked up and who you don't have to heal from or run from or call the police on. Clear this one out, wait, and then start again xxx

Thank you both. I hope this grief stage doesn't last long. I really thought I was past this, I thought I was done feeling the heartbreak. I don't even know if it's heartbreak that I'm feeling.

I don't want to speak to him, I'm not sat crying. But I really am hurting from something but I don't know what.

I think his new relationship really does have a lot to do with it. Even though I feel for her. I know he's doing something with her this weekend while I'm trying everything I can to keep my son happy and getting in the Christmas spirit. Dealing with the police, social services, solicitors....while he's busy worming his way into her life got somewhere to live.

I guess I'm wondering if it was really that bad. Because if I miss him (to a certain extent) then surely the abuse can't have been bad?

This man shouted at me 3 days after having a caesarean section with our son for being in pain. I put it down to tiredness from him. Then when I left I realised how bad it was. Now I look back on these things and think I should have been stronger. I shouldn't let things upset me so much. Therefore it can't have been that bad

The posters above summed it up perfectly. It’s a stage of grief. It’s losing the habit and attachment that you had to him and it takes time to break a habit cycle.

don’t be afraid to “make the most” of your grief period (I hope that makes sense). What I mean is, if you want to cry then cry, if you want to be unsociable do so. Be kind to your self and process this however you need to.

he could be absolutely awful to her behind closed doors and you wouldn’t necessarily know.

once you have grieved, bounce back and focus on your self care and make YOU a priority (and your DC Ofcourse) but do things for you.

you got this ❤️

Thank you, I can absolutely recognises these feelings don't mean I should go running back.

It's been 3 months now since we ended but he's spent the last 2 months trying to 'save things' by love bombing and equally manipulative.

It's only really the last couple weeks that he really has been leaving me alone so it's just all very new feelings.

It's me that's the problem, I knew the minute he left me alone then it would hurt.

Your post is me just over a decade ago. It was always worse when the nice him appeared. My dear Dad said something that stuck in my head. "Nice is not the absence of nasty". This is so true.

It will take a long time to heal but you'll get stronger. Pity those women he's getting involved with. Or even better, try not to give them any headspace. Instead look within at your happy world with you child, and enjoy some nice things, even if it's small things. When I look back on that time, it's not just the upset I remember, I do remember the relief of being able to breathe and be me again and have fun with my little boy. We've had a much better life than we'd have had with exh. Our house is calm and safe and full of love.

Better times are ahead. You've done really well to get to this point. It's ok to feel as you do but focus on yourself and you child for now. You'll move through it.

Thank you. I honestly think it's just the waiting for them to be 'official'. It sounds pathetic but I think because he did it before - the last time we broke up he was with someone else in weeks and within 2 months they were all over Facebook but stupidly I took him back but seeing them together really hurt.

She then sent me messages saying he made me out to be crazy.

I can't believe this was my marriage.

None of us can. I can't believe I was ever with mine sometimes. I feel embarrassed. But I know my issues are still there because I can't actually believe I might find a good man one day. It's unlikely at my age. I'm embracing my single dom instead.

My exh had a string of women and prostitutes. He's been with this gf for a few years now but I think they're more of a level. It's transactional. She wants jobs done and money. He wants sex and some company. He doesn't love her. He's not really capable. But I feel nothing but relief that I'm not with him and his cruelty and chaos. A quiet single life is better.

Being official means nothing. So what. He's a cheat. It's all a bit pathetic really, isn't it? Be yourself and happy without him , whether you meet someone new or not. You're better than him. Head up, and don't waste too much of your precious time and heart mourning him.

best case scenario - therapy did help him and he won't harm anyone else, as well as work on improving and maintaining the relationship with your child

not that I would believe that - soon enough the novelty of his new partner will wear off and with it the motivation to be a better person. He will be back to his old ways in couple of months at best