Hi, i'm interested in hearing if anyone who suffered sexual abuse as a child has managed to make peace with what happened.
I was sexually assaulted by my stepfather when i was 11. My mum had known him just 9 months before they married. I didn't tell anyone, and never have. I had a breakdown at 15 and missed a lot of school, which messed up my O & A levels. My Mum & he divorced 8 or so years later & i've never seen him since (now early 50s).
I thought i'd really put it behind me, but it's in my mind recently, I think because for the first time in a couple of decades i'm now seeing my Mum again regularly - she married again twice more, and moved a couple of hours away. After being widowed she's now moved much closer to me. Our relationship is tricky, I love her but don't always like her very much, she's quite self centred and inclined to go off the deep end if upset or offended. There's no way i could talk to her about this and tbh i don't want to. Obviously being bereaved has been hard for her and i've supported her as best i can, but i'm aware of feeling a bit detached from her, and i think i'm resentful that i also went through something awful and there was no support from her. And yes i know i didn't tell her, but i'm angry she moved a man in with us she really barely knew, and ignored the fact i was obviously unhappy as it suited her to be married (she's always been very open about the fact she hates being alone).
I've just watched a programme with Nicky Campbell about the abuse he & other boys suffered at school and a comment struck me about 'the people we should have become'. And i think that's what i'm struggling with, i'm NOT the person i'd hoped to be as it affected my confidence, school work and ambition at such a crucial time in my life. And now i'm supporting someone who, if i'm brutally honest, i feel is partly responsible.
I want to make peace with it so it doesn't continue to fester in my head. Any advice anyone?
I've been an on/off MNetter for years but changed my username as i've posted on other threads recently and don't want this linked to anything that could identify me - i have friends i know are on MN