Unsure what to do

[oprahwindsock]

I lost my husband 4 years ago. He died of cancer. Two years later I met someone and have been in a relationship since. We don’t live together, but spend a lot of time in each other’s company. Last year he was diagnosed with lung cancer and has since been undergoing chemo. Recently I’ve felt myself drifting away, questioning can I go through the cancer story again with this new partner. Then I feel shit that I could think of leaving him now. Don’t friends stick together through thick and thin? I don’t fancy him sexually at the moment, mainly because he’s having chemo, he’s lost some teeth because of chemo. He’s put on weight because of the steroids. I just feel in my heart it’s no longer what I want. But I know I’d miss him. But then that might happen anyway if chemo doesn’t work. I’m so confused.

The traumatic experience of losing your husband is now coming back to the surface causing your emotions to be all over the place and making you feel you want to push your partner away. This is self preservation kicking in to try and protect you from having to experience such a huge loss for a second time.

Have you got any close friends and family to confide in or maybe some therapy?

please look after yourself and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this for a second time, it really is awful and so unfair.

I haven't been in a situation like you but I completely understand how you feel.

I do have a friend I could talk to but I feel she’s going to be fed up, as I am, to hear I’m going through it again. Hence why I asked here.

Maybe you could suggest a wee break? If you spend a little time apart maybe you'd know if you missed him? I'm sorry you're going through this.

Yes I’ve thought about taking a break. But then feel guilty for thinking it.

Tell him the truth. You are scared of loosing him and this has brought up past trauma and you need a bit of time by yourself to process that and look after yourself or you'll be no good to him

You're probably defending yourself from the pain you've experienced before, putting up a barrier to that hurt. Or the reality is dawning on you that you don't love him enough to go through this again. Either way completely understandable.

I would feel duty bound to stay around but if you're braver tell him and take some time apart.