Unscramble my head please

[MinervatheGreat]

DP & I have never lived together. We live 80 miles apart. It’s suited us. No issues. Both retired.

I’m very rural and fairly isolated he’s city outskirts. My life is very quiet, his not so much. I don’t relish a solo existence.

Long standing relationship over many mostly happy years.
No kids involved.

DP and I hit a rough patch spring last when OLD was involved, on his part. We made up, talked it through and carried on but it all fired up again summer 2022 and that time he was unfaithful (OLD again) over several weeks. He went so far as to sleep with another woman including an expensive hotel break, on more than one occasion. She had no idea about me because it all happened in his neck of the woods.

All along he kept me, upset and worried and wondering if there was someone else on his back burner; maintained sporadic contact, we texted most days but he was very busy with a long term project so I literally kept my distance for fear of opening a can of worms I didn’t want to address.

He finally decided new girlfriend was not for him and returned to me.

I cautiously took him back but it was only then I definitely found out about OW.

We decided to try again but it’s been hard for me. So many things trigger me and I can’t return his “I love you” with true conviction. However, my emotions, cynicism and distrust began to dissipate. I started to relax. All good.

Recently I was shocked to come across an old forgotten receipt for a very expensive Michelin Star meal he’d spent on her (or maybe another liaison from OLD) and asked him about it. I suspect his response about who he took to lunch is a big fat lie.

He’s been as good as gold and very contrite since we made up last year, very loving, attentive, and supportive but I’m all stirred up again and anxious mostly about his ability to lie and lie and lie.

I can now cope with the thoughts of his infidelity but to be recently troubled by an item of fresh evidence he’s lying about yet again, I’m not sure I can accept all the lying any more.

To trust or not to trust? That is the question. What would the Wise Ones do?

He can't be trusted.

I wouldn't trust him and you don't need that extra load.

Anyone with any shred of self-respect would end the relationship immediately.

You need to work on finding your self-esteem and get out of this relationship.

He has broken your trust - very badly, and
more than once, which suggests to me he isn’t to be trusted. I don’t really think he can actually prove himself trustworthy to you at this point, and I don’t think you should live anxiously. Set yourself free. It will be hard to move on but you deserve someone who loves you fully, who you will be enough for.

This is so clear cut. You should not be with him.

There is nothing to gain by trying to analyse his behaviour. Either he doesn’t really love you, or he is incapable of fidelity, or who knows? It’s enough to know that he is not a suitable partner for you.

You do urgently need to do some analysis, but not of him or your relationship, but yourself. Why don’t you know that he can’t make you happy? What has happened in your past to distort your understanding of what you deserve?

So he's cheated on you with two different women? No. He cannot be trusted.

Ltb
Seriously . This relationship is dead. He is just using you until he finds someone else
He's disgusting and you can never trust him again
The stress of it will make you ill
Please work on your self esteem you are worth so much more than this

This is what stood out to me: I don’t relish a solo existence. So I think you have a choice - keep his company but put up with the risk of infidelity; or try to find someone better but risk being on your own. What is the most important to you?

Thanks for the quick replies.

I was long married to a philanderer but I overlooked a lot of bad behaviour because we had a child together, I wasn’t working and was financially vulnerable. Over the years my boundaries have become blurred which is what is scrambling my brain now.

I dread life without him because when he’s good we are very compatible and have fun together but I’m hating the overwhelming anxiety of being with a liar who is incapable of an adult conversation. “Oh no, not that again. I thought we’d been through all that” is what I get.

That's really hurtful op.

I think you put this one in the bin since he's repeatedly shown himself to be untrustworthy and trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Then you get yourself into counselling and do some self reflection on your needs, your boundaries and what you want and deserve from a relationship and then go out and find someone who actually lives up to that. Because they do exist, you just need to be absolutely unwilling to settle for less.

Not to trust, obviously. He has proven that he can't be trusted. You can choose to go forward with him - or not - knowing that he is happily capable of lying to you.

I know ds' father is capable of immense deceit. We are not together but do have contact re ds. I have to filter all of our communication through the lens of "this could be untrue" despite his assurances of his genuineness.

I think it would be so much harder and more horrible if we were romantically involved.

@Willowkins
This is what I’m trying to unscramble.

Run the risk of repeat infidelity or a solo life. We are not young.

He is not too well so I also ask myself if he’s realised where his bread is buttered and is feigning love in exchange for someone to care for him in the future. Hence my cynicism!

He can't be trusted. End it.

He's gone behind your back on OLD. He's cheated, maybe even more than he's admitted to. And now you think he's lying to you again. You know this is a pattern for him, and getting caught before hasn't changed his tendency to lie.

The problem of liars is that it becomes a way of life for them. Like all people, they sometimes want things that inconveniently don't fit with commitments they've already made, but they don't have the strength of character to accept that sometimes they have to choose one of two things. Instead, they want it all. And more than that, they feel entitled to have it all, because they think they are more special or important than other people.

The solution? Just lie! It doesn't bother them to lie about what they've been up to, because they've decided they're special enough to have whatever they want, and they justify the lying to themselves with the reasoning that it will keep them 'out of trouble' with whoever they're fucking over. And them not being in trouble is the most important thing.

People like this actually see their victims as being the "real problem". If only you wouldn't make such a fuss about his cheating, or if you could understand that he's so special that he deserves more than one partner, he wouldn't have to lie to you, you see?

You deserve better.

He now knows that you are prepared to put up with a lot of bad behaviour and still take him back.

I eventually found my self-respect and just couldn't keep allowing myself to get mugged off, despite believing I loved him truly madly deeply.

@CheekyHobson
Thank you. Your words are very helpful.

You’ve shone a spotlight on the nub of the matter. You’ve expressed what I cannot.

He is not too well so I also ask myself if he’s realised where his bread is buttered and is feigning love in exchange for someone to care for him in the future.

Yep, that'll be it. Given the disrespectful way he speaks to you ("Oh not that again..."), he's not even feigning love all that well, is he?

You are worth so much more than this man. You know he has lied, and he will continue to do so, and as he seems unable to discuss the impact his lies have had on your relationship, it feels like it will inevitably end. Better to end it on your own terms. It won't be easy, but you will be happier on your own, in time, as opposed to dealing with a relationship which is flawed.

Not to trust. I think it sounds like you both need someone nearer to home. Maybe both lonely being so far apart? Or if you can trust him make steps to be properly together?

Why would you trust someone you know lies to you?

You'd have to be an utter fool to do that.

Why are you with him?. He's dishonest and not trustworthy. He let you down massively and now he's minimising it and making you feel guilty for bringing it up.
It takes years to heal from infidelity and requires a lot of effort from the cheater to rebuild trust.
He's not doing anything to repair things but I don't see how is it worth it anyway if you don't have children together and are not tied financially. The answer is easy - leave.

This wasn't an accidental liaison that your man fell into by accident.
He actively went on OLD to find someone to have an affair with.
The fact that you live apart means he can continue to have affairs very easily and you'd be none the wiser.
On the flip side - thank goodness you don't live together as that means you can say goodbye to these guy easily.
Don't put up with bad behaviour just because you fear being alone. You deserve better - and surely being on your own would be better than constantly wondering what he's up to when you're not together??