I have f**cked up

[YellowBrickRood]

Hi everyone.

To start with, I know I really fucked up here.

Just under two weeks ago, an old friend of mine and I had a one night stand. He is married and I am separated. We are both in our early 30's and were very attracted to each other as teenagers.

Our friendship group lost touch because I married and moved away. I then gained lots of weight, lived through a miserable marriage and joined a church that controlled and manipulated me.

I lost the weight last year, left my husband and left the church. I am in therapy and was told I have been controlled my entire life. My mother was very controlling too.

As a result, I have become quite reckless and rebellious. I don't want or desire to hurt anyone, but I am acting without thinking at times.

When I reconnected with all of my old friendship group, this man and I connected quite quickly. We flirted online a bit and recently participated in some sexting. Terrible I know. Then when we had sex, we planned to meet again a few days later but he came down with an illness.

I then tried to make it clear that our flirty communication needed to stop because I was beginning to realise I had feelings. He said the feeling was mutual and that he wanted me, but said it does make things harder.

He has since found a reason to message me every day. Yesterday he told me how good I looked, and then complained to me about his wife.

I naively thought we could remain friends and if the flirting had stopped, it could have been nipped in the bud. But I am not sure this is realistic. I didn't want this to affect our friendship group in any way.

I am going to have to stop talking to him entirely aren't I?!

I am such an idiot.

Yes, you must for your sanity.

Yes you must.

You should be proud of yourself. You made a mistake, you realized it. Yes you must. I hope that you can find someone as mature as you. All the best OP.

Yes, stop. Probably best to block him.

I don't think this will be good for you and he may be exploiting your vulnerability. You're only out of the abuse a year, you don't need to be sucked into being the affair partner of some bloke.

Yes, you need to stop all contact outside of the group. You've realised your mistake, you told him why it had to stop and now you must act on it. You have come a long way OP, so well done for that, and don't let him impede your progress.Discuss with your therapist if you need support.

Thank goodness you have separated yourself from the controlling influences in your life.

You will need a while though to truly free your mind and emotions and learn to make the decisions and choices that empower you. Maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme online, which may not be wholly relevant but will give you an understanding of recovering from coercive control.

Having said that, it’s hardly uncommon for people to fall for a fling.

As a pp said, you realised quickly. And he is the one who is married. After you told him it should end he has no business to keep contacting you.

He has only two honourable / ethical courses of action: 1. Work in himself and his marriage to try and repair it, stop criticising his wife to others behind her back, work on his own behaviour wrt infidelity. 2. Recognise that his marriage is over, be honest with his wife, separate in a fair and honourable way, and then take his chances with you.

Anything else and he is treating both you and his wife badly.

Don’t beat yourself up, do look after yourself.

You did a stupid selfish thing, but you know that already. Do the right now and walk away and block him.