What do people commit for?

[Zaney40]

I was brought up by Christian parents who are still together. I remember once I knew I wasn't a Christian the thing that bothered me was that I thought how will I find a trustable man now that I won't be looking for a Christian. My view at the time was that Christian men are more trustable and more willing to commit.

I've got two children with my husband and we are about to divorce. It was initiated by my husband and I accept it. But if he said tomorrow that he's willing to work on our relationship I would definitely prefer that then us breaking up the family home. I'm mainly upset that he hasn't comited to the children having both their parents under one roof.

So now...how will I ever be with a man that would want to commit to me that doesn't have his faith as an extra reason to commit and who doesn't have children with me.

If the father of my children doesn't even want to commit to me then who will?

I definitely don't want any more children. Maybe I need to accept that relationships are never to be relied on. I hate that thought. I want security in a relationship.

I'm not considering getting into another relationship for at least a couple of years as I need to focus on my children and myself.

Christians of a certain ilk are more likely to stay together, not because they’re happier, but because they don’t believe in divorce — is that really what you want? Commitment despite unhappiness?

You sound as if your thinking is still deformed by your brush with religion. You don’t need an arbitrary rule to force someone to stay with you. You’re understandably hurt your marriage is over, but you don’t need the force of religion to compel someone to commit to you.

No I don't want commitment despite unhappiness. I wanted a commitment to making the relationship work. I don't want comitment simply to staying in the relationship obviously that would be shit.

You sound as if your thinking is still deformed by your brush with religion.

Yes I'm sure it is.

You don’t need an arbitrary rule to force someone to stay with you.

I thought we had the same values but I think he just said what I wanted to hear as he was in love with me. Once the loved up bit has gone and life gets very busy with careers he's just given up on working on us. Whereas I think it's still worth working at even though the honeymoon stage is well and truly over.

I think you only need to look at the level of infidelity amongst many high profile Christian leaders (never mind the sexual abuse within the Catholic Church) to see quite plainly that Christianity is not a miracle salve that keeps men from behaving in horrible abusive ways towards women and children.

You need build your sense of self-worth and then look to find a good decent genuine man who loves you. Dh is an atheist and I’m Jewish. No cheating here in a long, happy relationship.

The father of your children did commit to you. He committed to a marriage (which is dissolvable) and children (who aren’t).

Perhaps the main problem is that you can’t promise a feeling. You can’t promise to love someone for the rest of your life. You can promise to remain married to them, as that’s an action you can take, but you can’t promise to love them or they you and you can’t promise to remain happily married. Just married.

What does security in a relationship mean to you? That they will promise never to leave you? Does that extend to, even if you are both unhappy and no longer love each other?

Marriage is only as much of a commitment as you want it to be. You can be committed without religion or marriage, and vice versa.

Perhaps you would enjoy the perspective of waking up every morning and deciding yet again to spend that day loving the person you are with, as a free choice, over and over, without a formulaic vow made years ago forcing you to stay?