Relocating after a divorce

[Emsy999]

Hi there,

I'd like a bit of advice please from anyone that's been in a similar situation. I'm really struggling to decide what to do for the best.
A bit of back story... apologies for the long post!

My husband and I are divorcing after being together for 22 years (married for 12 years). We have two beautiful children. We work together and have moved around depending on our job prospects. My husband has been mostly the one deciding this - I do the job but wouldn't if it was my choice and we've moved around because this is what he wants/has to do for a living.

We are in the process of a divorce. I have my own place 10 minutes away and we share the children close to 50/50. We are still continuing to work together (on the whole it's ok but as a separated couple now it has it's issues). The children are settled in school and have their own group of friends. I am friends with a few of the mummies but don't do anything socially with them due to my job being very unpredictable with times and days that I have to work. (now becoming a huge issue for me what with having children and making plans etc). We live 150 miles away from all my family who I (and our children) are extremely close to (he has no family in the UK) and I get to see them once every month. I am also in a new relationship and I know that she is the one. She lives in the same area as my family.

My husband is a brilliant dad to our children. He has become much better since we've separated but wasn't the best husband while we were together, hence us drifting apart. The separation was my decision and he has struggled with it but has now admitted that he's in a good place and is happy.

Now, my predicament.... I want to relocate back to my home county where my family and new partner live. I know that when I give notice in my job, it's highly likely that he will have to leave too. Then the only thing keeping us where we are would be the children and their school. I moved around quite a bit when I was younger - it wasn't ideal but I know children are resilient and they will be fine once we've settled. They ADORE my new partner and her children but of course love their Dad and that will never change.

I wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation and if so, what did you do? Am I really selfish in thinking that if he is unemployed (when I give notice) he should be okay with finding employment near where we settle so I can be with my new partner? It sounds so selfish when I say it like that but I love my new partner with all my heart and I know my children will love living with her. On the other hand I could carry on in this job that I don't like, working with my ex husband, not being with my partner or family and who knows... down the line if anything happens with the job we'd both be unemployed. He's always put the job above everything but why should I let it dictate my life and happiness? I would 100% be encouraging as close to 50/50 custody as we could manage if we were to relocate so it's not an issue of wanting to punish my husband. He's a great dad and the separation hasn't been his decision so I really want him to be able to be around the children as much as he can.

I realise my situation is very unique but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much :)

I don’t know how long you’ve been separated but my first thought was in your shoes I would slow down. If your 50/50 he may not agree to moving away. Plus he may lose his job. You say your children are happy with their friends. I’m not sure how many children love living with new partners that’s not something I would rush to do. How old are your children? Can you talk through with them?

@Starryskies1
Our children are 6 and 7. I have been friends with my new partner for a few years so they are very fond of her and spending time with her and her children. We spend a lot of time all together when I visit once a month.

If I hand in my notice at my job he will likely lose his as well as we come as a couple. Not sure how long I can stay in a job working with him (even though we've now separated) just to keep him happy and in his job.

We move with our jobs so if we were both unemployed there is nothing keeping him in this area.

Are you a pub landlord couple?

It's shitty thankless work;my friend worked like that moving from our home county to another then to another uk country and to the other side of that country and then her trailing partner lost his job and had to return to his home county and she left her job to move back with him although the owners tried to get her to stay;she's much happier back nearer to home and her family especially as her mum died suddenly and she got to spend time with her she wouldn't have otherwise if she had stayed miles away.

If he takes you to court you have just cause to move;so the children can be settled in one place instead of moving around.

I think you are unreasonable, turning the children's lives upside down because it suits you. Moving them away from school, friends and their Dad.

If you want a good co parenting relationship don't hand in your notice without letting your husband know in advance. Give him time to find another job...does housing come with the job?

Moving your kids in with a new partner is totally different to visiting, blending families is notoriously difficult. I think you are in the honeymoon phase - the reality will be very different and it seems to be all about you.

Would you consider moving without the children so your children stay in the area?

@Livinghappy there's no way I'd give my notice without talking to my ex husband first. We get accommodation with the job.

I would have thought reasons for people wanting to relocate after divorce would have included wanting to be near family or being closer to a new partner. The children are very close to my family too. I know friends are important but at 6&7 years of age I would think having family around them would be just as important. We have lost two very close family members over the last two years so I think it's important that they spend as much time with family as possible. That includes their Dad too. If he isn't ok with moving to where we settle then there's no way I would move them from him. And there's absolutely no way I'd move anywhere without my children.

@Duckingella we look after a rich family's house and grounds which is very testy at times. It can also go tits up at times and you're looking for a new job. I would have thought being settled in one place would be best for the children