Trash

[Lavendercranberry214]

Broke my lengthy celibacy recently and I feel absolutely horrible and terrible about myself. I regret it very much. I very much dislike sex, and every time in my life I've felt obligated and pressured to do so. I have never liked sex, really fancied sex. Tbh maybe I'm assexual...or something..I do it and have done it because it's expected of me. I want to cry. I feel a tiny bit better about myself when I abstain. I feel connected to and with myself. I feel pure and a cleansing for all my sins. I feel abstaining apologizes for my existence.now I feel like a piece of trash. I feel like Garbage. I feel soo dirty and unclean. I feel diseased. This adds to my lifelong depression. I can't believe I did this to myself again. I hate me

Wow that was a lengthy spiral of self hate.

So you fucked up. So what? No one is perfect op.

Sometimes we do things that seem like a good idea...or that 'should' be fun...and then they aren't.

Sometimes we do these things many times more, hoping for a different outcome.

Hell...I've tried bubble tea more often than I can count. I SHOULD love it, I tell myself. All my friends do and I'm a sucker for the other cutesy Japanese stuff. But bubble tea...well it is rank! And those little beads in them...I swear they make me constipated.

But no doubt I'll make the mistake again. Because it looks good and my friends like it and damn it there's TEA in it! and I love tea.

But basically what I'm trying to say op is - no one else is judging you. You're the only person that's going to be with you from beginning to end non stop- so ffs, have your own back. If you fuck up, don't berate yourself. Have compassion for yourself. Be your own champion.

Would you speak to someone else who fucked up, so cruelly? Probably not right? So why be so cruel to yourself?

Was someone else so cruel to you from a young age that their voice replaced yours? Maybe you need to develop your own voice. One that has compassion for you.

Go find a mirror amd say 'it's OK to fuck up',
'I am allowed to make mistakes', 'I am allowed to be me', 'I will try to change my future choices to make things easier....but it's OK if I don't always manage that' and 'I am worthwhile'.

Every day afirm yourself positively in the mirror. Say something nice. Be nice to you.
And stop holding grudges with yourself for silly mistakes. Bubble tea happens.

This was hard to read. You're absolutely entitled to abstain from sex if that is what your preference is. However, if you are abstaining from sex because you have a deep rooted hatred for yourself for having sex, that's a very different issue. There's nothing wrong with enjoying sex, it doesn't make you dirty or unclean etc. It's concerning that you feel that "abstaining apologizes for my existence". I think you'd really benefit from CBT because you shouldn't feel like you need to apologize for your existence. You are a human being who is most likely very loved and valued by those around you. You need to try to find love for yourself too. I hope you are feeling ok, you'll get through this!