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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex for 2 years

16 replies

Bloome22 · 29/11/2023 22:29

Hello, I’d love some opinions please. My husband and I haven’t had sex for 2 years, since we conceived our child (first and only). We’ve spoken about it but it always comes across as me nagging him, but I am genuinely worried about our relationship. It’s not normal to go that long without being intimate is it? He’s my best friend, we have our ups and downs, but feel like we are room mates rather than husband and wife. We have been together 15 years which sounds crazy writing that down. We are mid/late 30s. Any advice / opinions? Thanks x

OP posts:

TooManyAnimals94 · 29/11/2023 22:32

What happens if you initiate? Does he turn you down?
Have you had a conversation away from the bedroom about how you feel?

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2023 22:39

What was it like before you were pregnant? Did it stop because you were pregnant? It sounds awful and I would also be very worried. There could be many different reasons and you’ve got to face it head on and tell him to naff off with his horrible accusation of you “nagging”, what the fuck is that.

Original poster

Bloome22 · 29/11/2023 22:59

Problems have been going on a while. About 5 years into our relationship he went off sex - every time I initiated it I got turned down, or made to feel like it was an inconvenience. I actually ached from the rejection and eventually stopped initiating due to fear of rejection. We had some major work related / financial problems which didn’t help. Since then it was less frequent, maybe every few months but still there. When we were financially ready to try to have a baby we did have a “lot” (for us) but as soon as I got a positive test there has been nothing. In all other aspects such as cooking dinner, house chores etc he is very helpful. He loves our child and is so good with them but he has had some depression and has said how he has not enjoyed many aspects of being a parent - our lives feel so routine and tied to a schedule. We don’t seem to have anything in common anymore, or what we did have in common (eating out, theatre etc) we are struggling to do now due to childcare and costs of everything. Thanks for your support x

OP posts:

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 29/11/2023 23:24

Could you set up a date night at home of the stuff you guys both loved ? I know it's not the real thing but I think guys sometimes need the romance too? No 2 years is not right but yes the morr you bring it up the more pressure he will feel.

If he's 'sorting himself out that's unfair
If he has no interest at all then he needs a doctor.

Original poster

Bloome22 · 29/11/2023 23:38

yes that’s a good idea. I really do need to do that, so thanks for the reminder. He won’t go to see a doctor, he just shuts down and doesn’t deal with anything. It’s so weird, we have been together for 14 years but we just tiptoe around each other. I brought it up with him today and after we had a bit of a convo over whatsapp all he said when he saw me when he got home from work was how he didn’t have the energy to have a conversation, and has gone straight to bed. It’s so hard to have any kind of open / honest convo!

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 29/11/2023 23:57

Is it possible he is getting it elsewhere?

Does he watch porn?

Alohapotato · 30/11/2023 00:00

Is he gay?

Cherryberrypie · 30/11/2023 00:04

Alohapotato · 30/11/2023 00:00

Is he gay?

This !!!!!

Original poster

Bloome22 · 30/11/2023 00:05

No to both!

OP posts:

Shroedy · 30/11/2023 00:11

Is the depression a recent thing? Is he being treated for it? Depression and anti-depressants are both pretty big libido killers.

Original poster

Bloome22 · 30/11/2023 00:20

Think he’s been depressed for a while on and off. But he’s never taken antidepressants as he doesn’t go to the doctor for anything. I’ve offered to arrange counselling but he’s not interested. It’s so hard to get him to do anything he doesn’t want to do, like go to the dentist - he really needs to go (trust me on this) and every time I say how about I make him an appointment as I’m making one for me anyway, he just gets really shirty and says I’m nagging and to leave him alone - but this is basic health stuff. He uses out of date creams he got 5+ years ago instead of just going to get a new prescription. He never seems to have the energy to do anything other than the basics. He does cook and clean so but that’s cos he wants to eat and have a clean home. All he wants to do is play on the computer. Which I get, people need to switch off in their own way - but still!

OP posts:

schneibnschneibn · 30/11/2023 00:56

Possibly dentist/doctor phobia at play here. That can be a reason for severe avoidance of medical appointments.
I'm a recovering dentist/doctor phobic. Not many people are aware how widespread this is because of the shame and embarrassment of it.
You'll go to any lengths possible to avoid. The using out of date creams resonated with me. I'd use anything I could find at the back of the cupboard or buy something from the pharmacy rather than actually go and get proper treatment.
It's really hard. Because if that is at the bottom of avoiding the doctor/dentist, nothing you say or do will make any difference. It has to come from him.
I've got a needle phobia and wouldn't go to the GP (for over 20 years) because if you go in with anything the first thing they want to do is a blood test....

I've probably written too much about that and it might not be true in his case but it just sounds like it's a possibility from what you have written here.

There could be a medical issue at the root of the avoidance of sex. He could be depressed too.
Can you talk to him again about getting medical help? Frame it as an initial discussion with the GP. He does not have to have tests at the first appointment if he doesn't want to.

The counselling is a good idea but he has to want to participate.

Perhaps you could sit him down and say you need to have a serious conversation and that things absolutely cannot go on like this, so here are some options. And then he needs to make tiny steps to address things.

savethatkitty · 30/11/2023 05:31

That's not normal. Something bigger is at play here.

Seaoftroubles · 30/11/2023 08:55

You say intimacy has never been top of his list and has caused problems before. Now he has used your pregnancy as an excuse and is doing everything he can to avoid it. Unless he agrees to take it seriously l am afraid it will only get worse. You've been understanding but now l would stress he needs to sees a GP for a general check up/blood tests to rule out low testosterone, under active thyroid etc. Be clear it needs sorting or you may have reconsider your relationship as you are just not compatible any more. If he really isn't willing to try and doesn't want to change things then you will have to decide if you want to stay together.

Datingadvicepls · 30/11/2023 12:30

There’s not much more you can do OP
You need to figure out if you can continue to live like this for the reminder of your life?

Opentry · 19/01/2025 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Hi there Opentry. It might be best to start your own thread rather than post on this one.

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