Mental health and families

[Threechoirs]

Namechanged. Hoping this is the right place to ask for thoughts and advice - posting here because of all the informed discussion around families (stately homes etc) and the mental health board is so quiet.

Background - my mother died of alcoholism when I was 11. My dad didn’t cope very well, though in retrospect probably always had a degree of mental health issues even before her death. He did his best to raise me, but suffered various depressive breakdowns - he was in and out mental hospitals through my twenties and is now in a home with dementia.

I’ve always been a person who ‘copes’. When I tell people about my background they often can’t believe it. I am blessed with wonderful friends, I got married and had kids - basically taking some pride I am not like my parents at all.

lately though, I feel like I am massively struggling. I have lost enthusiasm for everything. I don’t want to socialise. Just about functioning at work but feel like I am exhausted and on the verge of tears all the time.

A few months ago my youngest dd was diagnosed with type one diabetes. I know it’s manageable but I am so terrified about the future and how uncertain it is, and the added risk to her. I feel like this has pushed me over the limit - and I am not coping.

I am terrified that I am sliding into depression, and destined to because both my parents had mental health issues. I know that many think depression and anxiety are genetic to an extent…has anyone experienced similar? Did anything help? I feel very alone right now.

ps - and yes, I’ve just started having some nhs talking therapy. Early days but it doesn’t really seem to be helping 😖

Hi lovely

Firstly. Be kind to yourself.

Secondly, continue with the talking therapy. It is the best form of therapy and will really help in the long term.

The game changers for me were meditation and Buddhism, cold exposure, and exercise. The science behind anxiety and depression and what really happens when we are going through this. Knowing and education really takes away a lot of fear. And as humans, we often fear what we don't understand.

Similarly, my mother was an alcoholic and both mum and dad manic depressives. I am not them.

If I had learnt all those years ago what I know now, I would not have spent half my life worrying and obsessing about things that I could not control. Cold exposure is great for lowering cortisol, especially alongside breathwork, and remember, we often get to choose how we feel. 40 days to change the mind and create new habits. I love science!

I hope you're okay and remember, how you feel now is temporary and you will get through it x keep going x

Hi OP

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Having a child with an illness can be very scary, and kick off a whole grieving process as you essentially grieve the life they could have had.

There are some familial links for depression and anxiety but far more is situational - so linked to the situation you are in.

I'm glad that you are able to access some talking therapy.

Some people find that medication helps the therapy work for them; you might want to consider this.

@TrishyLou1111 - thank you so much 😘your post made me a little tearful!

I will keep going with the talking therapy. It is definitely well intended and I feel so lucky to access it on the NHS - however, it does feel a tiny bit ‘basic’ so far. I had some private therapy years ago which was great but I certainly can’t afford it right now sadly.

It’s great hearing what helped and that you have overcome a similarly challenging background. I have been absolutely rubbish at getting out and exercising - I used to do lots of yoga but I just can’t seem to motivate myself. I work at home so some days lately I don’t even leave the house. I know I am l not helping myself…

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Your post has resonated with me very strongly. I am from a group of lifelong friends and partners who all come from families like you. We often talk about how we have forged friendships out of being the ‘sensible’, ‘successful’ ’most stable’ of our families and yet as the years have gone by we also have faced our own struggles. My own experience is that awareness and a determination to be as mentally healthy as we can is a powerful tool. I am also struggling recently with deep sadness for the first time in my life and feeling very bleak. My dd has also been diagnosed with a manageable illness. In my opinion, you are naturally grieving the carefree future you had wished for your child but you will adjust x Talking therapy may take some time but in my experience it does help you see the wood from the trees. I think awareness about our parents weaknesses and/or mental health struggles is key but it can also be frightening thinking about the possible genetics at play. I feel a late-40s hormonal dive is causing my experience now. I don’t know how old you are or if hormones might be a factor. Keep up the talking therapy and look after yourself as best you can.

@Octavia64 - thank you. You are right about being so worried about my dd - but in the past I think I would have coped. I have overcome quite a lot but I just feel like it’s tipped me over the edge. I might investigate meds but it just seems there are so many side effects and so many people I know have quite a journey to find the ‘right’ treatment. It scares me a bit tbh.

@NoTvNoWifi - thank you too and we sound so similar ❤️ I am also late 40s but have been on hrt for the past few years so hopefully hormones are stable (not sure though!)

Re friends - that’s one thing that really worries me in all honesty. In the past I’ve always felt my close friendships have got me through, and I have felt so lucky to have them. Lately however I feel myself closing off to people, like I can’t be bothered almost ☹️ It’s not like me - but I also feel like (because of my background possibly!) friends do tend to come to me for support. In the past I have felt so honoured by this - I am a caring person and love them. But I almost feel a bit resentful right now they are not looking out for me in the same way. This is not like me at all. Did you ever feel similarly?

Re: friends. Yes totally hear you. Totally. I feel I am withdrawing from friends and also family but I do believe it is linked to less tolerance because my hormones are diving. I have recent gynae issues that confirm hormones are out of synch. Could you have a chat about your HRT? Try not to panic. Force yourself back to yoga. My doctor said yoga for me was a prescription, not a suggestion. Keep talking. Try to be vulnerable with your friends. Tonight I went shopping with a friend against my will almost but came home feeling so much better.

@NoTvNoWifi - sounds as if we are almost the same person! I also feel less tolerant in general…I’m on pretty bog standard hrt but maybe the dosage needs adjusting. And you are right, I should force myself back into yoga and seeing friends, but it just seems like I have no energy for the things that used to bring me pleasure anymore. I have one particularly close friend who I’ve known forever - she is more like a sister, and probably the one friend who truly sees and understands my vulnerability. But I am even struggling slightly to open up to her for the first time in my life. It is alarming.

Do you have a partner? I feel a bit let down by my DH in all honesty. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader but when I’ve tried to open up to him he’s quite dismissive, almost frustrated that I am not ‘looking on the bright side’ of everything.

Sent a DM