AIBU

[Cocobellax]

So I am a sensitive person, and have been struggling with my mental health recently and also insecurities in my marriage due to husband being dishonest with me in past ( no infidelity just dishonesty ) but anyways I do tend to rely on him a lot I honestly
Don’t have any friends as much as I’m trying to make some lol, I ask to talk to him and then tell him how I’m feeling in the hopes of him making me feel better, I tend to text him as when we finally have time at night together he bes tired and can’t really talk when he is tired, with my texts a lot of the time I don’t always get responses straight away because he’s at work, and anyways I don’t mind that but on numerous occasions I have to remind him and ask him to respond to me. Today in the morning I messaged I can’t lie it was a long message, it was just about how I’m feeling super low and the fact that I’m not secure in our marriage anymore because of his dishonesty and I feel like I’m causing issues on our marriage because of my insecurities now and I would appreciate his help to make me better, now he said he would respond later so didn’t mind that, he finished work went down to his brothers for a bit, I did remind him and he said he will respond in a bit, and anyways no response he’s come home and hasn’t spoken about it all just watched tv with me and got into bed. So idk am I unreasonable for being upset here?

Dishonest background, negative vibes ( being interpreted as insecurity and metal health?) , diversions ' to his brothers for a bit ' on way home from work? Sorry but maybe listen more to that feeling of insecurity as we can sometimes be very good at picking up valid subconscious signs that something isn't right and then dismissing them. Relationship counseling perhaps?

I honestly don’t believe he’s a bad man, he definitely lacks empathy but not intentionally if that makes sense, he’s never been around it as a child so hasn’t really got that in him but he does try when he makes the time, I just can’t help but feel unimportant that he didn’t think to make me feel better and I’m just suffering in silence crying myself to sleep, I think I’m just really struggling myself I need to maybe get stronger

YANBU. You have to txt him your feelings because he's too tired to make time to actually talk about them. I think that tells you everything OP. Not too tired to go to his brother's though. I think your mental health will improve if you end this relationship.

Honestly I have no idea what to do now, I’m half between should I talk to him and tell how i feel and ask why he hasn’t bothered or do I just leave it be because clearly he hasn’t cared himself

I think you need to take control and not rely on him to make you feel better.
What can you do to make yourself feel better? What changes in your life would make a difference. Your feelings are yours, don’t rely on others to validate you. Make yourself happy.

Very gently,he can't make things better for you, that's on you. Getting texts at work like that on a regular basis is very cloying. I think he needs space, hence him going to his brothers.

I feel like I’ve become a person who has no identity but him, my whole life revolves around him and our little girl, idek who I am anymore what I like or what I want for myself, Idk where to start, i really want to get control again, I want to be in charge of my own happiness but how do you drown out constant thoughts that hurt you

@RedHelenB i completely understand that, I feel that I can be a bit too much at times too and it is unfair to expect him to make me feel better everytime and I do need to work on myself

The only person who can make you feel better is you!
Stop relying on him so much, make friends and do things for yourself.
Ideally get some therapy to help you understand your insecurities.
As long as you stay in the mind set that he can fix you, you'll never feel better better he can't!

I think you sound like a lot of hard work to be honest and I don't blame him for not responding as it sounds like you do this quite a lot.

If you need someone to talk to would you consider going to therapy? It might give you an outlet to talk.

How often do you send these type of messages? Could he be struggling with how to help you? I think you need someone else to work through your feelings with.

@Keeva2017 not very often it’s not like it’s constant it’s just when I’m struggling for example this monfh has been hard for me so this month I’ve messaged a few times whereas for the last 5 months there was none of that makes sense, and I get that it’s hard and I am speaking to the dr to get some counselling hopefully, I just feel like he could have at least acknowledge me not just ignore me because if hurts and makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

You can't send him long emotionally charged messages when he's at work, for heaven's sake! He's working. Being professional, doing his job. He can't just stop that and play nursemaid to your insecurities.

I have to say, OP, I'd run for the hills if I were him. You can't make another person responsible for your happiness, security and self-worth. It is a burden that would crush anyone.
If he's gone to his brother's it's because he can't face an evening of emotional heavy lifting (unless there's a massive dripfeed to come)

You need to build resilience and self respect. I recommend reading Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell; it's about cognative behavioural therapy as self-help and it's very good.

Do you work or are you at home brooding all day? Getting out and about, taking an exercise class at the local leisure centre to improve your mood, being among the world is so much healthier than staying home and worrying yourself into a state.

I used to live like that once, it was awful. But only you can change it.

@KatBurglar tbh i don’t know where everyone is getting this idea that I’m always sending emotionally charged messages to him whilst he’s at work; which is not true. Few times I have which is only when he asked me too, I say to him I’d like to talk him when he’s home or free and he asks me to message him, some of you are people are just genuinely not friendly and assume too much.

As you can see from my previous messages I am seeking help for my own insecurities, my only issue was I feel like he could have at least acknowledged me especially seeing as he said to message him. And for those who are saying he should run for the hills, based on what? A tiny glimpse of my insecurities? Not the 99 amazing things I bring to our marriage and the ways in which I support and lift him.

@Cocobellax - because your opening post says:
I do tend to rely on him a lot I honestly Don’t have any friends as much as I’m trying to make some lol, I ask to talk to him and then tell him how I’m feeling in the hopes of him making me feel better

and
I’ve become a person who has no identity but him, my whole life revolves around him

You are placing the burden of your identity and self worth on him. That's too much.

@KatBurglar my opening post is in regards to when im feeling low and even if that statement I said, I ask him if I can talk to him, I never just offload, and at no point did I say it’s constant.

The second statement is how I feel, and I appreciate any advice any help, the advice of your book I’ve took I’ve just ordered on Amazon, but the comments making me feel like my husband should run I think are uncalled for, especially because he is a man who expects me to revolve my life around him, he expects a lot from me which I provide

@KatBurglar so, just wanted your opinion, I did say to him why he didn’t respond and he said to me let’s speak tonight in person, so would you say the better solution is for me to not speak to him? And rathe focus on making myself better without him, the reason why I feel so low and insecure is because he has been dishonest with me in the past and I feel as though, that trust is gone and I’m slightly paranoid.

Appreciate your help and I’m sorry if I sound defensive I genuinely do want to be better x

OK, first of all, how do you spend your days? From the lack of information about life outside the home, I'm guessing you aren't working? How old is your daughter and is she with you all day?

Isolation is terrible for our sense of self. Working, volunteering, getting out and about every day somehow is vastly better than staying homer, no matter how much you might want to cocoon. It does take time to build connections, make friends, etc, but getting started is a great step.

An example from my past - I started taking the 2yo to a nearby toddler group, and after 2 months joined as a volunteer. I got to know other parents that was and made some good friends. I also started going to an exercise class in the hopes the stories about exercise and good mental health were true. (They are, but it takes a while). After several onths there, I got to know a lot of the regulars and we started going out for a cuppa after the class, and a whole new supportive group of friends was born. We WhatsApp several times a week.

I also started writing out my feelings of hurt andn insecurity rather than unloading them on one person. Then I'd do something else for an hour or two, then read them afresh pretending is was a letter from someone I knew, and how I'd respond to that person.

We're often kinder and more supportive to our acquaintances than we are to ourselves. That step back helped me recognise the skewed mindset I'd got into.

It was connections and habits like those that helped me dig my way out of the hole I'd got stuck in. I started to see what others did - not a miserable, nervous needy person with nothing but a husband and child to give her value, but someone outgoing, helpful, funny, compassionate, and of intrinsic worth.

It's hard to take those first steps when you feel so far away from being confident. I wish you the very best of luck. Ask your GP about CBT or other counselling.

You are being very, very unreasonable sending these long winded, emotional texts. I would be extremely annoyed if I were your husband. If you have serious issues to discuss, do it in person.

@KatBurglar
im not working and I am stuck at home all the time besides the grocery shopping, my daughter is 20 months and only has me so is always with me. I do think that I need to maybe go back to work but I can’t afford child care.

but the steps you’ve mentioned you took yourself seem like a good way to get back to your own identity l, I think I need to focus on what I enjoy and try and find what I actually enjoy. I don’t drive aswell so I think that restricts me because I am super anxious about getting public transport of any kind.

thank you for your help and advice, I really appreciate it. I’m super glad to hear that you’re doing better aswell xx

@Aquamarine1029 i mean if you read the posts then Youl know it’s what he wanted me to do - text him.

@KatBurglar would you suggest I do not talk to him today and rather sort out the issues myself in the way you just suggested via diary?

@Cocobellax I'd suggest a talk with him - when you are both feeling calm and not tired or stressed - about how low you feel day to day and how you as a family can start to address it. I'd write out points you want to make because it can be hard to remember them.

For your general "oh god I feel so alone," no, I definitely wouldn't contact him during the workday to tell him this stuff. That's the stuff to write in a journal.

If it would help you to feel noticed or appreciated, could you ask him what would feel reasonable to him? Perhaps a text at lunch from him saying hello, or that you arrange a babysitter once a week to go out for a quick drink or coffee?
We had someone for 90 minutes every week so we could actually be a couple and chat or laugh rather than endlessly being parents.

Tonight I would just say that you were feeling overwhelmed and messaged him at work, that on reflection that wasn't a good way of handling it and made things worse because you felt ignored and you think he probably felt burdened. That a good talk about it on the weekend is probably a good idea.

It's all 15+ years behind me now, OP, so I promise you it can get so, so much better.

@KatBurglar thank you so much, I will definitely be trying this and have got an appt tomorrow at the doctors to request some counselling.

Hopefully il get to where you are too x

Honestly, chick, I wish you nothing but happiness.

It’s hard to build yourself up when you’re down. It’s not an easy or straightforward thing. But when you respect and value yourself, you can change everything.