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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can’t move on

10 replies

vodkacat · 29/11/2023 15:06

Sorry if this is a long one I’m struggling so much.
split up partner of 3 years 2 weeks ago.
it’s been difficult 3 years. Lots of rows that always went to the extreme. I probably started them a fair but as was frustrated. But he would go into overdrive and throw so much stuff in my face that I didn’t know was problem.
when first together he would ignore me when he went out.. leave phone at home.
once after a row he went out and denied he was. I heard a phone call in pocket of him and a women.
there has been drug use( which stopped with help)

when it ended It was because I wasn’t doing some thing but I felt he wasn’t. He then said he hadn’t loved me. I said we discussed marriage, he said it was a joke.

we had amazing times, then I a row he would say it wasn’t.

he was secretive with phone. Notifications of.
anyways 1 day after it was over a women was in his house who said they were together.
my biggest problem is I blame myself for it all, he always said I wasn’t good enough in a argument. Always had a list of things I did wrong. Sometimes these from years ago. Said I was not affectionate enough and didn’t show I loved him. I told him every day.
when it was good I thought it was .. he would act like he did but later would bring up a problem.
I have never felt so confused or heartbroken. I have lots going on and he’s the person I want. He has so much hate.
he called my work as I emailed him.

I know I need to get over but how. My mind is all over the place.

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 29/11/2023 15:16

I found the book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant very helpful. It has clear instructions you can follow daily.

You won’t feel it now but he doesn’t seem like a good choice for a long term relationship.

Drugs, other women and blaming you for his choices. He has no self respect.

How does meeting someone’s needs increase their core values of loyalty, honesty and self respect? Its illogical.

By saying you weren’t affectionate enough he is trying to justify his poor choices. He is saying I am so incapable of controlling myself and my behaviour I rely on you to do it for me? Illogical. How can giving someone a cuddle stop them being a liar?

He is a wrong ‘un. Have you read ‘women who love too much?’. And ‘why does he do that?’.

Try and use this horrid experience to learn more about you. I’m sorry you are in a shit place and hope you can create some happiness. Take care of YOU. All the best.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/11/2023 15:24

You don’t really want a hate filled partner who cheats on you and disrespects you and approaches you with aggression. You’re attached to him because it’s habit. Give yourself time.

It was an ugly, twisted relationship because of him. Move on and embrace a positive future.

samestyle · 29/11/2023 15:26

He's not a good quality partner, it's best for you it's ended, you move on by knowing you deserve better.

butterycrispness · 29/11/2023 15:30

He sounds like a total loser.

butterycrispness · 29/11/2023 15:31

Worse than a loser. An absolute f-ing bastard. You need to work on self esteem.

vodkacat · 30/11/2023 00:01

Thank you everyone. I will look at those books. It helps to get a different perspective.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/11/2023 00:07

You don't need enemies because you are your biggest one.

This man is an absolute loser who brought nothing but bullshit and drama into your life. You should be thrilled he's gone. I hope to fuck you haven't been dragging any children through this disaster.

Giving your head a massive, massive wobble is definitely in order, and I hope you seek therapy to figure out why on earth you ever would have tolerated this twat for more than 5 minutes.

Want better because you deserve better.

Epidote · 30/11/2023 05:47

He told you he doesn't love you, he told you you weren't enough, he is more than likely a cheater and you feel guilty? You have to feel relieved, just that, relieve, that nasty piece of work is not on your life anymore.

Left him behind like you leave a can of drink in a street bin, not thinking more about it.

Feel well soon, don't let him play his games on you any longer.

flowerchild2000 · 30/11/2023 05:58

It just takes some time. You're used to the way things have been for a long time. Now you need to process what happened, and over time you'll come to an understanding with it, and it won't bother you so much. Do you have anyone to talk to in person? Doing some new things, getting outside, exercise, meeting up with others, starting a new hobby, anything to get you busy will help. Don't stay inside on your phone. It will make it so much worse. You have to just get him out of your system. Everyone goes through this, and it's so hard in the moment but it won't be long before you're cringing at why you ever liked him to begin with.

harerunner · 30/11/2023 06:55

It's only been two weeks...I know it's hard when you're in the midst of it, but it will take time, but you will get there. You just need to fill your life with other things, and slowly but surely the pain will fade.

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