Jealousy over my gay best friend

[MDF34]

I have been in a relationship for 16 years with my current partner. The last year or so has been tough as he cannot accept my friendship with my gay best friend (a man). My partner has always been very jealous but for some reason he cannot seem to get over my friendship with him and has a hatred for my friend. It is ruining our relationship because whenever I so much as mention my friends name he gets mad, never mind my friend and I meeting up. My friend and I went on a city break to celebrate his birthday a few months ago. My partner was so angry and outraged that my friend and I shared a hotel room and shared a bed despite confidently knowing that my friend is gay, and we cannot seem to move forward from this. But even just meeting up with him is a problem or talking to him on the phone is a problem. We constantly argue about it. In my opinion he is being entirely unreasonable and I have told him how suffocated it makes me feel (he was very similar with my female friend a few years ago, but this is much worse!). I’ve told him that I will not be dictated to about who my friends are. And I will not be in a relationship where I feel like he is not able to accept friends in my life. I feel like he may be worse this time because my friend is male. I need some advice.

Um, I doubt many partners will be comfortable with you actually sharing a bed with another bloke.

I agree with your general principle around having friends, absolutely. But for most people there will still be a line somewhere. And this is a mile over it!

I don't think I'd like my husband sharing a bed with a female friend, even if she was a lesbian...it's not so much the risk that anything could happen, but you're adults and surely you could afford separate rooms, or at least specify a twin?

However, if he has form on this from the past with a female friend, that does set alarm bells ringing. How does he react when you go to meet family? Or to work parties?

i disagree sorry - my husband would not care about me sharing a bed with my male gay friend any more than my female friends. but he's not controlling, this isn't the dark ages.

OP i think your partner sounds controlling and unreasonable - i would not stand for it to be honest.

In my opinion he is being entirely unreasonable and I have told him how suffocated it makes me feel (he was very similar with my female friend a few years ago, but this is much worse!). I’ve told him that I will not be dictated to about who my friends are. And I will not be in a relationship where I feel like he is not able to accept friends in my life. I feel like he may be worse this time because my friend is male. I need some advice.

Your opinion is completely correct. Your partner is wildly out of line and it sounds like he has extreme controlling, jealous tendencies.

"I will not be in a relationship where I feel he is not able to accept friends in my life" - you have given yourself the best possible advice. Run a mile. Jealous tendencies only get worse, and isolating you from your friends is a huge red flag.

My best friend is a gay man. I wouldn't share a bed with him, and I wouldn't accept my partner sharing a bed with another woman even if she was gay. It would be a red line for me and if I was your partner I'd not be able to move forward from it either.

And I will not be in a relationship where I feel like he is not able to accept friends in my life.

Then don't be. Simple as that. Unless this is an empty threat?

I think bed sharing is a bit weird, gay or not. But if he's like this with your female friends, ditch this man baby

Thanks for the advice.

The biggest issue has always been the jealousy. It was made very clear from the get go that male friends are not an option. He’s always said that men and women can’t be friends. Whenever there has been the remote suggestion of being friendly with a male colleague etc. even as part of a group, he’s been mad about it. I think I convinced myself that he was right somehow. Then with female friends if I go out to bars etc. with them too often it’s also a problem. I understand that he could feel neglected but I’ve tried to work on a balance so that he doesn’t feel like that. We’ve tried to work on his jealousy over the years but it doesn’t seem to get any better. He doesn’t recognise that his jealousy is unreasonable. He feels very justified but his viewpoint. I want to make it work with him because aside from this he’s a really good guy. Luckily I am very head strong but I am scared that the jealousy will turn into controlling behaviour once kids are involved etc. He already told
me that if we have a child my best friend wouldn’t be welcome to come over. He said this in an argument and since apologised and said he didn’t meant it but I find it hard to believe

Who needs the aggro. Who needs the arguments you are having about your friendships? Life is too short.
He sounds controlling. Get rid.

For me it’s not different to sharing a bed with one of my female friends. He’s gay and has always been gay

OP how old were you when you started this relationship? I'm not sure I could accept someone who kicked off about my friends so often. He seems very controlling. Jealousy is not a nice thing, is he really that good a person, he said he would control who saw your child.......what else does he do that makes sure he gets his own way.......think about it, it feels like there's more here if you can be honest with yourself.

But why do you need to share a bed? Why not specify a twin room?

Your updates about him accepting no male friends at all make it much clearer. I still stand by my narrow point about bed-sharing being over the line for most people, but the bigger picture here is ridiculous jealousy from your partner, yeah.

I really don't know why so many posters are fixating on the bed-sharing. The friend is gay. It doesn't matter. The lines being crossed are all by the OP's partner.

It was made very clear from the get go that male friends are not an option. He’s always said that men and women can’t be friends.

Red flag. Utter bullshit. He's stupid as well as jealous.

Whenever there has been the remote suggestion of being friendly with a male colleague etc. even as part of a group, he’s been mad about it.

Wildly disproportionate reaction. Even if you don't want to be friends with other men, having good relations and socialising with male and female colleagues can often be important for career advancement.

We’ve tried to work on his jealousy over the years but it doesn’t seem to get any better. He doesn’t recognise that his jealousy is unreasonable.

It's not going to get better because he doesn't recognise it as a problem. He won't change because he doesn't understand that he should.

I am scared that the jealousy will turn into controlling behaviour once kids are involved etc

Please, listen to that inner voice. Your suspicion is correct. I'm sorry about this, and I can believe he has some good qualities - but these bad qualities outweigh whatever good there is, and they may become dangerous to you down the line.

@justonemoreuser sums it up for me. I still think two adults sharing a bed is odd, even if one is gay.
But, he sounds increasingly controlling and jealous, and not worth the effort IMO.

You said it was made clear from the get go what his opinions were.

Why did you marry him?

I was 18 when we started the relationship. Over the years I learnt to manage the jealousy. Male friends or colleagues were always an issue from day one but I just kind of accepted it or hid it. But over the years it’s extended to anyone that I'm close with. It’s like he’s happy as long as I don’t have any male friends and as long as my female friends do not get too much of my attention. He doesn’t seem to complain if I see or speak to them now and again but he gets angry if it’s frequent. But it’s all escalated by having a male gay friend. For example, we were on holiday for a week and he told me that I should tell my friend that I can’t speak to him when I'm away and I will speak to him when I’m back. When I refused to do this, we had a massive argument about it. I genuinely feel like he wouldn’t be happy until we are no longer friends. The problem is (which I have told him) that I’m worried that if it’s not this friend it’ll be another. I keep trying hoping that the penny will drop and he’ll get it but he doesn’t

Can't believe all the people who wouldn't let their partners share a bed with a gay friend.

My husband went on holiday with his best female friend last year, the only rooms available had king size beds - I had 0 problem with that because I trust him

Isolating you from your friends is a textbook first step towards abuse.

Pick the friends over the partner. They'll be there for you.

So really he would rather you had no friends and were solely dependant on him? This isn't normal, it's isolating, if you have a child with him it will get worse. Think long and hard but I am pretty sure that this relationship doesn't make you happy. You should not have to justify your friendships to your partner, the sharing a bed might not be ideal but it's the least of your issues.