If you had couple's counselling, did it save your marriage?

[moijejoue]

DH is so resistant with any kind of therapy of intervention and I'm at my wit's end. I've had every kind of therapy imaginable: to change my speaking style, how to be angry in a better way, but ultimately it's both of us who argue and I spot things in his language that my therapist would have balked at.

I think he could be ND. He's said things to me that would explain so much of his behaviour. Or maybe I don't understand ND well enough and I'm actually insulting those who are ND. But a lot of people when I make threads about our problems suggest ND.

Anyway, I am desperate for us to get help. Has anyones marriage improved as a result of therapy? DH thinks people only go to therapy if they're marriage is already over.

If you can find a really good couple's therapist I'm sure it could help, even to work out if you're not meant to be together. Orna Guralnik (on TV) and Esther Perel are amazing, they are famous for a reason!

HOWEVER in my experience good couples therapists are very very few and far between, and some are so bad they are harmful. We tried 3, two were useless and hardly said anything (for £90 an hour!) and the other was actively harmful - one session was so badly handled I refused to ever go again. We are now splitting up, probably for the best but not the most positive answer to your question, sorry!

I do think there's some truth in the fact that people often go to couple's therapy when the relationship is already on its last legs.

We have benefitted more from podcasts and books than therapists. We are still on the search for a good therapist. I find an awful lot are so accustomed to the bar being so low for men they often can make things worse.

I'd recommend individual counselling to work on your individual needs. It sounds like your partner potentially needs to investigate integrity abuse. By the way it seems he is uninterested in making the relationship better or taking your unhappiness seriously.

From personal experience the nd diagnoses can potentially be a bit of a rabbit hole that can be used in a weaponized incompetence way to get out of putting the hard work in. Men are fully capable of emotions empathy ect even if nd it can be done just differently.

Please ignore if any of this doesn't apply obviously I don't know you full situation.

'I'd recommend individual counselling to work on your individual needs'

Really good idea. It would help you to understand the dynamic between you and DH, the impact it has on you, and give you some space to think about what you actually want

Doesn’t she say on her op she’s had every kind of therapy going??

@moijejoue I did therapy with my probably ND ex husband. Ex is kind of the give away eh.

He resisted and resisted and only agreed when it was too late really. We did it. I had a bit of hope but then he reverted to type.

*apologies I see you mean both of them having side by side individual therapy

Following. I begged my ex to do councilling and he said yes but would never actually do it when it came to it. In the end I gave up and left. Then he starts saying he will do it we can get back together. I do think some men see it as a way to just keep the woman happy and don't intend to actually make an effort. I mean if they wanted to make the effort they would have listened to us when we said what the problem was not need to pay a fortune for us to repeat it in councilling?

I also tried it with an ex before I realised he was abusive and it was a terrible terrible thing. Only had 2 sessions before I made an AIBU on here and had absolutely everyone say he's abusive protect the baby leave him. The councillor was all about making comprised and accept he's not perfect. As someone else said the bar is sooo low for men

I completely agree with this about male ND people. I'm ND and a woman and found actually all my partners stuff he brought to the relationship was excused because I'm autistic so must have misunderstood.

With my most recent ex I stood my ground. autistics spend all day out the house changing to fit with the outside world and it's exhausting. ND doe's change a few things but it's not an excuse for either partner to expect the other to make changes and accommodations at their own cost.

I went to counselling with my exH. It was 4 years between I first asked to do it and him agreeing. By then I didn't believe he could change and I got told off by the counsellor. I should have left a lot sooner.

Husband no 2 has been told if we hit a problem we can't solve we'll be off to therapy straight away. No discussion, no hesitation, no waiting for the other person to get on board. It obviously doesn't work as a last resort but I do believe it can help you work more constructively if you go before the resentment sets in. DH gets it and is fine with this. 10 years in though and we bicker a fair bit but big fights are few and far between so I've had no need to execute the plan.

I'm so tired and fed up. I used to never moan about my DH but I feel like with age he gets more and more obtuse.

He has no interest in travel, romance, celebrating little milestones. He finds joy in nothing. His favourite thing is to watch TV until he falls asleep in front of the TV. He brings no value (other than financial) to our lives. He always needs to be told what to do with DC. And I just feel like I have no energy anymore.

Edit to include the financial value is just stating a fact. I would not miss it if we were to divorce.

Mine was like this turned out he had an addiction. Now in recovery (addiction recovery and integrity abuse recovery) he is a different person.

We did couples counselling about 13 years ago, after about 8 years together.

I think the difference is that he was fully engaged - I cannot rem which one of us suggested it actually.

20 years together, we are still happy.

It seems for many that the man agrees when it’s too late?

@moijejoue If he has always been like that he MAY NOT change with counselling - I'm not saying he doesn't have the capacity to change, it will depend on a lot of things. But I agree with the person that said personal therapy before couples counselling

I had couples counselling with exH. It just confirmed he had already checked out and wasn't willing to work on things. We split up soon after.

He complained the counselling wasn't helping but actually he was just totally avoidant and very defensive in the sessions. Turns out he had already made his mind up about leaving me for someone else. He tells people we 'tried' counselling though.

It will only stand a chance of helping if you both give a shit and are willing to engage with it.

Same as @Superdupersomeone then he got angry saying "well it didn't work" but Ofc it didn't work cos he either sat in silence refusing to engage or got super defensive and then angry. He'd already made his mind up so was pointless

It saved our relationship yes. DH only agreed to it because I was literally out the door. We had four sessions. The first one was some difficult home truths for DH. The subsequent three we bonded over the therapist being an absolute bell end and we haven't looked back.