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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m very sad to be separating

14 replies

Verysad1978 · 29/11/2023 08:05

Husband and I are separating and I just feel so sad. I know it’s the right thing to do for many reasons. But I feel like such a complete failure. We’ve two lovely boys - 10 and 12. And I feel like we’ve just failed them. I am so regretful of all the things I did and didn’t do to make it work.
I am scared of feeling lonely and people talking about me and us.
I can’t stop crying. Which is stupid.

OP posts:
XMissPlacedX · 29/11/2023 08:31

It's normal to grieve for what you have lost, and as you said it's for the right reasons. Let yourself grieve as it will help the healing process and you'll be able to move on quicker. People may talk, until new news comes along and then it will be forgotten about. Sorry about what your going through, it is sad. But you have a new life ahead of you waiting to be lived the way to want to with new opportunities. Good luck op xx

Original poster
Verysad1978 · 29/11/2023 08:44

Thank you. It just feels like I could have made it work. I think I probably still love him. But it’s too hard. We’ve too many problems.
I feel utterly bereft though. I feel like I have this great long lonely life ahead of me and it’s sort of all my own fault. And I can’t know and feel sick at the thought of the effect on the kids. The house wasn’t a happy home anyway so maybe it’s better for them.

OP posts:
XMissPlacedX · 29/11/2023 15:39

I understand, I've been there 3 years ago. I now live in a 'happy house' with my little girl and new partner. Thought at the time it was a lonely life ahead of me. The fact that you care means exactly that... you care. You have 1 life, live it to the full. You are now free to do that. It's normal to be scared of the unknown. You will be more than fine, you will be peaceful and happy. I was told once that breaking up is the 'storm before the calm' instead of the other way around.

Sigfr · 29/11/2023 15:55

Why are you taking the blame? Could he not have done more to avoid this too. People won’t talk about it for long. Most people are only interested in their own life.

Original poster
Verysad1978 · 29/11/2023 19:15

He definitely could have done a whole lot more. No two ways about it.
But so could I.
So it just feels like a great big sea of regret and wasted opportunities.
We couldn’t continue as we were anyway and he was steadfast that he wouldn’t change. So I couldn’t live with what was going on any more. So it has to end really.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/11/2023 21:51

It’s not stupid to cry and feel sad

better out than in i say

it’s a huge and sad thing to happen xxx

so grieve and cry and be kind to yourself

Hooper56 · 29/11/2023 21:56

So sorry to hear that OP - it's a sad thing for you to have to process.

You mention that he can't change , why is that the case do you think and what things need changing ? Is he an emotional man or not so ?

Good luck but you will all be ok in the end x

Original poster
Verysad1978 · 29/11/2023 22:32

There are addiction issues and also he is very closed. Won’t engage really in relation to matters.

But thanks for kind words.

OP posts:
BelindaOkra · 30/11/2023 06:51

Verysad1978 · 29/11/2023 22:32

There are addiction issues and also he is very closed. Won’t engage really in relation to matters.

But thanks for kind words.

With addiction and an unwillingness from him to work on that you really don’t have much choice. That doesn’t make it any less sad though - and can make it harder and sadder because the non-addict side of him may be a wonderful person.

I hope you find some peace and can rebuild a lovely life OP. It is fine to be sad at the what could have beens though.

Seaoftroubles · 30/11/2023 07:32

OP, you are doing the right thing. With addiction issues and a refusal to change you had nowhere to go in this situation except out. Sorry you are feeling sad but you will be ok and so will your children. Though it doesn't feel like it at the moment a much happier and healthier life lies ahead. Wishing you all the best.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/11/2023 07:34

Op please think about linking in with the al anon family support group
in fact make sure you have some support period

this is a major loss and change and you need help and also hearing from other families with the same issues
you will feel less alone and it will help you feel a bit better in your decision

I assume If he is an addict this will have impacted the kids too
I mean it will have !

im so sad to read you say this is stupid !

ita really really not and you need to look after yourself , so you can look after the boys

Original poster
Verysad1978 · 30/11/2023 08:19

Thank you to the posters above. It really helps

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysad1978 · 30/11/2023 21:57

I think when addiction is in the mix there’s no real point wasting time with what ifs. Am I right about that?

OP posts:
Sigfr · 30/11/2023 22:06

Yes. Nobody dreams of marrying an addict!

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