Hi all.
Will try explain as brief as I can - desperate for some advice/opinions.
Nov 2022 my 8 year relationship ended with my babies father. I started a new job and met a guy there who I started talking too in December 2022, no intentions at all but he seemed interesting and I liked his ora.. fast forward 2 months and things got so so full on. I was trying to take it slow but he was borderline obsessed and it became very apparent that he didn’t know who he was and all his focus was going on me and it became unhealthy. I called it off and said we must focus on ourselves - I needed space as I had not long come out a long relationship and even though this new guy and I had a strong connection it wasn’t right and he needed to work on himself.. he had hidden himself away from reality, from socialising, normality for years and needed to find out who he was and gain confidence in himself. I said if anything were to happen again, it would be natural but it wasn’t right for either of us at that time.
it took him a good few months to understand this. He spend months really low, angry towards me, didn’t understand how I was able to ‘carry on’ with life.. I encouraged him to go out dating which he did. After maybe 5/6 months we started getting on better at work again, he seemed much more confident, sure in himself, easy to be around and the flirting began, it felt harmless but I was aware not to let things get out of hand. I had an honest conversation with him about how he felt. He felt happier in himself, dating was going okay but admitted no one came close to me.. a few weeks go by, we become closer and closer and something just felt right about it. We were laughing, happy, intimacy was good, I felt safe, secure, the balance was great.. we decided to try give things ago again and said we would be going into this as final try. Anyway since we started talking again, the first like month was great as mentioned. Then all of a sudden I’m seeing a repeat again and he’s made me aware that when I ended it the first time he felt suicidal and spent most days crying, broken not knowing what to do.. the reason for the swift change in confidence and like he was focusing on himself and in a better place was only cos he had a feeling of ‘f**k it I’m done hurting’ and faked feeling okay again.. but to me, it seemed like he was doing good..
this has concerned me massively. Then I started noticing him losing himself more.. stopping going to the gym, stopping seeing his friends, saying things which he thought I’d want to hear whether it be how he feels about things or his likes or dislikes and I can see right through it. Talking about moving in, marriage, kids, saying I love you etc.. it’s all too much.
I had a honest conversation with him about this and said it’s starting to feel a little consuming, please focus on yourself still and don’t lose yourself and be proud of who you are.. he agreed this was the case and said he will try to carry on as normal.
but now I just can’t see past it. I can’t help but feel the balance is so off.. I’m finding his company draining, I’m not wanting to be affectionate with him. We aren’t laughing like we were, I don’t feel sexually or romantically attracted to him.. his ways about him are now bothering me just his way of thinking and how long he takes to do anything.. he’s so in his own head?! I’m very proactive and a get up and go person.. he’s not.. I’m now basically noticing all these negatives? But why didn’t I notice these before? Why is it now that I’m feeling the way I do? He genuinely is a very caring person and can’t do enough for me and has good morals. Have I self sabotaged this? Or are we just not right for each other?
if I end it now, it really will be for good. Will I regret it? I’m also scared to end it.. we work together for god sake.. why did I think this would be okay?! And I’m scared after he said he felt suicidal.. I’d like to be friends as I feel as friends we would get on so well and I genuinely do care about him and want the best for him but I know that’s probably not going to be possible..
he also said that when we started talking again his family were very sceptical and didn’t want him talking to me and it’s going to take a lot for me to ‘prove to them’ that I’m genuine? Which really hurt me cos I ended it the first time from both of our best interests not just mine.. but his family resented me so I feel like it’s going to hit me really hard.
im not a nasty person, I genuinely do care but am I being gaslighted here?!
we haven’t even shared a hug or a kiss in about a week and he’s still making comments like me and my little boy are his family and mean everything to him.. I can tell he’s miserable and wants to be intimate and he knows things are off but he’s avoiding having a conversation about it. - I did bring it up like I say but nothing has changed other than him going to the gym again and ‘finding himself’ again.. but I can’t help but just feel something is majorly off?! How can it go from one extreme to the other??
please help!! I don’t want him being completely heart broken and I don’t want to fuck something up if I’m self sabotaging it?! But I can’t carry on how I am…
Sorry for the long post