Just wants to keep me there

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi MN,

Hope you are all well. Earlier this year my ex and I tried again after much chasing, interest and promises from him. It felt lovely to feel wanted by him again and it all felt so right. My attchement style is anxious and his is avoidant, a difficult match!

Since I've agreed to get back together, he has backed off massively....I had a big celebration last week for my master's graduation (I'm in my 30s, mature student) and he showed no interest. I shared my annoyance and he acted as though I was over reacting and I backed off for a day or two.....once again he was messaging, showing interest again. Today I was sharing news about my life, asking him about his, being supportive and he stopped replying. He clearly just wants me here waiting for him while he lives his life.

I honestly want to walk away. He doesn't make me feel worthwhile. And I know if I call him out on this he will say I'm over reacting. Could I just block, move on and try feel strong that way?

Doesn’t seem emotionally healthy. If the physical side is good maybe you just have to accept that this is the only fulfilling part of the relationship. You’ve tried it twice now and you are still not getting what you need emotionally. Doubt you ever will.

Yes

The physical side is great, yes....we've great chemistry so I actually think he came back for that and because he was lonely. I feel I've lost a lot of dignity taking him back and just want tp gain it back

call it time and block, not showing care or being there to celebrate your masters is disgusting!! These aren’t the actions of a long term partner

All this attachment style crap has so much to answer for. It was an experiment done in children and shouldn't be applied to adults with any more depth of meaning than the results of any other online 20 question personality test.

You're in a relationship with a shit. He's not 'avoidant' he's just a shit. And you probably wouldn't be 'anxious' if you chose to surround yourself with emotionally healthy individuals.

Abusers are often deemed to be "avoidant" on here by their victims. Who ate conditioned to put up with and excuse their shite so that's just an extention of it. 'Oh maybe if I can figure out his type I can change ME to fix HIM'. You can't.

His type is shithead.
Your type is abuse victim.

Run. And recover.
Make no more excuses for crap people.

Youre a placeholder sorry OP

Dignity don’t waste your time worrying about that if I was you I would feel empowered as you now know you’ll never go back to him when he’s asking for a third chance. Which, I’m sure he will.

He’s a loser. People like this don’t change, take it from me. Bin him off asap.

In everyone's opinions, is it bad to block with no explanation? I'm so fed up tonight waiting for him to make any type of plan with me, I just want to gain back some peace of mind.

I don't think you need to explain anything to him (though I'm betting if given the chance he'll tell you you 'owe' him an explanation in order to gaslight you).

But I would text him and tell him thqt this isn't working for you anymore, that you're done and not to contact you again. Then once he's read it, screenshot it then block him. That way if he were to harass you further, you have written evidence he was told not to contact you again.

If you just block, he may try to act like he thought your phone was playing up or something ect...

End it clearly then block.
It's fine to text it.

And block him on everything else too. Before you send the text ideally.

If he ever had keys to your house, change the locks.

And tell your family and good friends whats what ASAP incase he tries to weedle in and manipulate them in some way.

Just to add, although I recommend blocking and not answering any calls (beware of unknown numbers). If he does get a chance to try goad you into explaining or whatever other bs.... then:

'It's perfectly evident why so I won't be explaining it'
'No, I don't want to do that' (eg: to meet up to discuss)
'Because I want to end it. That's why'
'Because I don't want to date you anymore'
'No'

All acceptable things to say.
As is (through the door) 'get off my front lawn or I'll call the police!'.

Hopefully it won't come to any of that. But just don't be drawn into giving him reasons why you are splitting. He knows why. Don't let him headfuck you further.

I think blocking with no prior explanation is, in a way, an act which potentially reads as a flounce to invite response.

If you send a message and then block him everywhere it feels more complete:

”Hi, it’s not working between us and I’ve decided it’s best we don’t see each other anymore. Take care.”

Then block and it’s done.

I've blocked him! After all these years I'm pretty proud of myself. Please give me strength to not unblock!

You’re 30s, just graduated your Masters, you should be having the time of your life. You can go anywhere, do anything. He sounds like one big yawn, really energy sapping. You’ve stepped away, now go and do what you want to do.

Tbh I wouldn't block. Because then you're more likely to unlock and start all over again.

I'd send a message.

"Hi, after some thinking I think it's best we call time on our relationship as it's evident that we both want different things. I wish you nothing but happiness" then block.

Good on you!
You're freeeeeee!!!

I'd say just delete his number but I suppose that would undo the block..

I am sure you are going to have to have a conversation with him at some time but blocking him for now will give you time to distance yourself. It’s hard when you have good sexual chemistry but either he is incapable of an emotional connection or he just doesn’t feel or want one with you. I had a not too dissimilar relationship however, the reason we didn’t delve deeper emotionally was because of cultural expectations from his family and I had just come out of a 6 year relationship. It was good while it lasted and I don’t regret it. However, I was under no illusion that we were no more than two human beings who had great sexual chemistry engaging in a mutually beneficial monogamous sexual fun relationship which (in our twenties at the time) suited us both. I suspect you are looking for something more now as I was in my thirties.

Thank you all for your messages so far.

I've woken up today quite anxious and thinking of scenarios where he might 'need' to contact me. I've known him over six years though and he often disappeared when I needed him. I've realised I don't particularly like him as a person anymore. Yes, I love him for our chemistry and history but I just hate how he made me feel during bad times. I was addicted to the rollercoaster I think.

Stay strong OP. He doesn't deserve you and you will want to unblock because you're addicted to this cycle but you're also a nice person who feels guilty. Try make a list of reasons to stay away and concentrate on those, everyone has nice sides but no man should treat you this way

He doesn't care about you!

I think realising - you don't even like who they are, is such a good step forwards. Because then it becomes 'actually, no, I don't need to waste anymore time on this person'.

No need to pay anymore money into this rollercoaster, you been there and done that and realised, it's no fun. Infact, it should be shut down with a big sign stamped over it saying 'Beware-Unsafe!'.

If he does contact you with a need you simply remind yourself 'He was never concerned for my needs when we were together. So I'm not concerned for his now we are over'.

On the off chance he's one of those manipulators who threaten self harm, you let his family or the police know of his threats and leave them to deal with him ('heads up, I've broken up with your brother and he's not taking it well/threatening self harm..Maybe best get round there. Cheers -Alex's ex gf).

Thank you. He's not the type to threaten to show up or harm himself. He's more the type to make false promises when lonely and then get distracted by the real world again, seeming to forget me

You'll benefit from the freedom programme

Well said.