Relationship with own mother

[Hopeless09]

I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Recently she fell and cracked her spine ( she has osteoporosis) and I have been trying to support her and my dad as best as I am able. I think she is slowly improving but although she initially refused my help , she now expects me to do things for them eg cook meals. My father is still alive and supports her but just does what she says . This has upset me and angered my husband. He is now refusing to see them more than once over Christmas. We have offered to cook Christmas Day, and my brother has offered to cook Christmas too but I would have to take them to his.
if I refuse I will upset my parents ( it could be the last Christmas who knows) and if I agree I will upset my husband . It is similar every year.
I used to hate the forced jollity of New Year, now I hate Xmas too.
many advice as to how to keep everyone happy including me! ?

Sorry OP, I think you’re going to need to clarify in order for people to help. I can’t really understand what the issues are here with the way you’ve written it.

“I think she is slowly improving but although she initially refused my help , she now expects me to do things for them eg cook meals. My father is still alive and supports her but just does what she says . This has upset me and angered my husband.”

Why are you upset and why is your husband angry? Because she wants help now but refused it at first? Because your father isn’t helping enough?

“He is now refusing to see them more than once over Christmas.”

Why?

”We have offered to cook Christmas Day, and my brother has offered to cook Christmas too but I would have to take them to his.
if I refuse I will upset my parents ( it could be the last Christmas who knows) and if I agree I will upset my husband”

So they want to come to yours, but your husband doesn’t want them? And you’d like to take them to your brother’s but that will upset both them and your husband?

I think explaining the situation a bit more will help.

You need both firmer and consistent boundaries. The way you are currently you will end up pleasing no one including your own self. Are you U.K. based, if so I would contact their council’s adult social care department and request a needs assessment. It is also not your primary role here to be their career nor their taxi driver to your brothers home (all expected by your parents without you being thanked). I would not go down the rabbit hole about this being potentially their last Christmas because you do not know and they could have some more years yet.

You also appear to be very much in fear obligation and guilt states when it comes to your parents with all this about pleasing them. People pleasing behaviour often comes about from wanting to parent please otherwise difficult parents. Your dad cannot be relied upon here to help you because he takes his wife’s side, he is a weak man and a bystander.

I can see why your DH is annoyed, you are being treated by your parents v badly.
Make your own traditions here and please your own self. Do not set yourself on fire here to keep your parents warm.