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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Navigating sensitive topic with parents/ in-laws

23 replies

Pangurr · 28/11/2023 19:58

Bit of a tricky one. Husband recently disclosed a horrible secret to me (nothing bad that he had done, but something that had happened to him). I had posted to ask for advice here and got excellent help so thank you all very much.
He is not well, but has taken first steps to deal with the issue and I'm hopeful that we will get through this eventually. I'm backing him 100% and I will obviously respect his wishes and let him take the lead and how this is dealt with.
One of his non negotiables is that he doesn't want anyone to know what happened, especially his mother and sibling. Again, I totally understand.

I suppose this will sound selfish, but I am struggling to keep up the pretences sometimes. My MIL is a good and caring person, but she can be absolutely tone deaf and she often misses when she unintentionally says something hurtful. We have DH's birthday and obviously Christmas coming up, and I'm somewhat expecting her to make a comment on DH's behalf that will touch upon the very topic he is struggling with. She has done it plenty of times in the past but I obviously never realised the impact, and I suppose neither did she. I really don't know if I can just sit there and listen to this knowing what I know now, but I also don't want to betray my DH's trust and reveal something I shouldn't.

Any suggestions to get a parent to drop a topic a topic without alarming them, so they don't start interrogating? :(
I don't want an argument, or to alarm MIL, I just want her to drop the topic in case she brings it up. Distraction tactics are most welcome, but maybe also some tips on to keep my cool because I am feeling angry and protective.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 28/11/2023 20:01

Completely understand why you are not giving details but it makes it hard to advise.

If it relates to a particular person, would your mil respond to a “oh, DH and Bob had a falling out about money (or whatever is plausible) and he doesn’t really want to hear about Bob this year”?

Notateacheranymore · 28/11/2023 20:05

Take your lead from your DH. How has he dealt with the subject being brought up before without giving away more than he wants to?

Pinkpinkplonk · 28/11/2023 20:06

Well you’re already half way there by expecting it!!
I would say, don’t give her the opportunity to say anything. So either always get in the way,or permanently keep her busy( by feigning illness etc… and needing help!), make sure you leave something unfinished in the kitchen that you can take her to should the need arise.
But don’t forget, she doesn’t know, so she can’t be expected to behave any differently. You’ll need to forgive her for that!!

Seaoftroubles · 28/11/2023 20:13

This is hard, especially if she tends to be thoughtless and insensitive. However if she doesn't have any idea about what she is supposed to avoid then that's very tricky. Does she at least know that your DH is not well? If so could you have a word with her and ask her not to make any personal comments about DH this year, as he is struggling with his mental health and would prefer no attention be drawn to him at all.

flowerygloves · 28/11/2023 20:15

SheilaFentiman · 28/11/2023 20:01

Completely understand why you are not giving details but it makes it hard to advise.

If it relates to a particular person, would your mil respond to a “oh, DH and Bob had a falling out about money (or whatever is plausible) and he doesn’t really want to hear about Bob this year”?

I was thinking this. If its a specific person would something like this work?

Alternatively could you spend it just the two of you this year?

mindutopia · 28/11/2023 20:19

It’s very kind of you to be worrying about this and wonderful that you are so supportive of your Dh. I’m reading between the lines here about what may have happened, and speaking from my own experience, I think it’s an important part of the healing process for people who have experienced something traumatic to take control back around setting healthy boundaries.

So that being said, I think this isn’t for you to intervene on. I think your Dh needs to take the lead, set the boundaries, determine what’s acceptable for someone to say to him, what he wants for his close relationships with his family. Developing that agency and finding power in yourself to decide what’s okay for you and what’s not is just so important. He may not be able to talk about the big thing, but it’s a small step in healing to be able to say what he needs to be safe with people he loves. If he can’t do that yet, then it probably means he needs more therapeutic support (therapy, EMDR, etc) and he may need to put some distance in those relationships until he’s feeling stronger. It does take time, but being able to assert yourself to keep yourself safe is really empowering.

Original poster
Pangurr · 28/11/2023 20:20

Ok I understand that I am probably being too cryptic.
It was sexual abuse within the family and DH is adamant that his mother did not know, and that he does not want her to ever know. As I said I understand 100% and there is no way I will tell her this, but I don't want her to bring up any ramblings on how easy he had it growing up.

She is not a bad person at all, and she will fuss and prod him if she finds out that he isn't well (I can't blame her for it because I probably do the same with our DCs).

Minimising contact might be a good idea, she'll want to see our DCs and she is a great grandma in all fairness.

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 28/11/2023 20:25

If that's what she's saying, would a light hearted "Alright alright MIL, you were mother of the year, we know!" divert her? I.e. steering her away from the subject in a friendly way but in no way suggesting DH had a less than perfect childhood? Very personality dependant!

Pinkpinkplonk · 28/11/2023 20:31

I think that distraction ( you could develop headaches) and an understanding that she doesn’t know, together with help for your DH will get you there.( Your DH will forgive her comments, as he’s confident she didn’t know, you could squeeze his hand, lead her away. ) Don’t forget she doesn’t know

Readnotscroll · 28/11/2023 20:35

OP I am in this situation but I have known about the SA for a long time. It was when my DH was a child, by the son of my PIL’s close friends and although I haven’t met the person directly I have met their parents. We don’t know if my DHs brothers were affected, but there is such problems with MH in DH and BILs I wouldn’t be surprised. But problems are not discussed or encouraged to be discussed so I think even if they knew it would be brushed under the carpet. I am periodically so angry with them as I have a DS now that is the age my husband was when the abuse happened. It has really messed my husband up, more so as he has gotten older. I have learnt to compartmentalise when it comes to my ILs. They aren’t bad people but are inept and selfish. We don’t see them often, perhaps 3 times a year (even through only 2 hours drive from us).

Pinkpinkplonk · 28/11/2023 20:38

This year will be the hardest for you as it’s just come to light. You will fall into routines as your new ‘normal’ establishes itself as your DH goes through therapy. Things will eventually plateau again

Cherrysoup · 28/11/2023 20:42

Are you likely to encounter the abuser? Or your mil is going to mention him? Would it be possible to change the subject very firmly?

pickledandpuzzled · 28/11/2023 20:45

Ask him

Ask him what he wants you to do, how he wants you to handle it.
‘she’s going to say x, y, z and I’m not going to know what to say. What should I do?’

What is the thing that says which is so triggering? Does she refer to an activity, or to a person? A place? Knowing what makes it easier to make suggestions.

Your husband has been very brave.

Original poster
Pangurr · 28/11/2023 20:51

Readnotscroll · 28/11/2023 20:35

OP I am in this situation but I have known about the SA for a long time. It was when my DH was a child, by the son of my PIL’s close friends and although I haven’t met the person directly I have met their parents. We don’t know if my DHs brothers were affected, but there is such problems with MH in DH and BILs I wouldn’t be surprised. But problems are not discussed or encouraged to be discussed so I think even if they knew it would be brushed under the carpet. I am periodically so angry with them as I have a DS now that is the age my husband was when the abuse happened. It has really messed my husband up, more so as he has gotten older. I have learnt to compartmentalise when it comes to my ILs. They aren’t bad people but are inept and selfish. We don’t see them often, perhaps 3 times a year (even through only 2 hours drive from us).

Thank you, I have a feeling that this is quite similar to our case. I have spent years listening to the official line that MIL and the other sibling were victims and how DH was the lucky one, so the whole family has their roles assigned.

OP posts:
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 28/11/2023 21:00

My mother is queen of diverting people and changing conversation if a certain topic comes up.

Sounds bonkers but play that "that reminds me" game....

If MIL starts talking about X, just cut her off with "that reminds me, I meant to ask you...."
"that reminds me, I saw John the other day, he said the kids are home for Xmas, remind me how old are they now, what are the names of his grandkids etc"

Tell your husband about it too - tell him to say "that reminds me" any time he needs support or a break. When he does it, you can allow him to exit with something like "John, would you mind checking we have enough ice in the freezer/are the clothes dry etc, can you check if I locked my car etc, weren't you supposed to give Dave a call etc"

If "that reminds me" doesn't sound like something you would say, use some other filler sentence that works for you. "Sorry to intrupt but", "I've was meaning to ask you etc"

WandaWonder · 28/11/2023 21:03

This is something he has to deal with not you, you are not his mother

Original poster
Pangurr · 28/11/2023 21:09

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 28/11/2023 21:00

My mother is queen of diverting people and changing conversation if a certain topic comes up.

Sounds bonkers but play that "that reminds me" game....

If MIL starts talking about X, just cut her off with "that reminds me, I meant to ask you...."
"that reminds me, I saw John the other day, he said the kids are home for Xmas, remind me how old are they now, what are the names of his grandkids etc"

Tell your husband about it too - tell him to say "that reminds me" any time he needs support or a break. When he does it, you can allow him to exit with something like "John, would you mind checking we have enough ice in the freezer/are the clothes dry etc, can you check if I locked my car etc, weren't you supposed to give Dave a call etc"

If "that reminds me" doesn't sound like something you would say, use some other filler sentence that works for you. "Sorry to intrupt but", "I've was meaning to ask you etc"

Love it. Thank you!

OP posts:
Nomoredamnmats · 28/11/2023 21:15

Really harsh, Wanda.

Original poster
Pangurr · 28/11/2023 21:16

@WandaWonder Yes I know that, but I thought I made it clear why I created this thread. Also, I'd like to believe that my OH would try to help me where possible if I was struggling.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 28/11/2023 21:21

So is it this person's name that she keeps mentioning?

Hellandbackand · 28/11/2023 21:26

Have you had a conversation with DH about this and how he wants to handle it?
Personally, and I am the one who suffered the SA, I compartmentalise it and can even cope with seeing the abuser at the very very odd occasion.
But I have had extensive counselling and most of my immediate family know so I don't have to suffer remarks that you're worried about.
I think the PP who suggested the interrupt and distract technique is spot on as that would work well. Also use the kids so "oh DC weren't you going to show granny your picture/dance etc" and just turn attention onto them while DH regroups and quietly exits the room or whatever he needs to do.
I cannot emphasise enough the importance of professional help though. It has helped.me enormously

flowerygloves · 28/11/2023 21:28

WandaWonder · 28/11/2023 21:03

This is something he has to deal with not you, you are not his mother

He's not wanting to involve his mother so that's a pointless thing to say. OP is seeking help on how to help navigate the tricky family occasions which come up this time of year. Nothing wrong with that.

therealcookiemonster · 28/11/2023 21:39

there seems to be some sort of universal law such as the laws of thermodynamics that whenever a thread is started, no matter how sad, or heart rending... some holier than thou person comes along on their high horse to shit on the OP. honestly.

I have no advice for you OP as I have no diplomatic skills at all. but I really feel for you and your DH, its a really tough situation to be in.

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