No appreciation for what I do

[Unappreciated1]

I'm new to net and just need a bit of advice. Please be kind. I'm really poorly at the moment and been in bed all day. My husband has everything from getting my DS up and ready for nursery, take him to doctors, work and then pick him up, warm up already prepared food which I tried to feed him, and we both got him ready for bed and I put DS to bed.

I asked my husband if he's tired from the day and acknowledged that he's done quite a lot today. He said "well yea I am tired, I've done everything". I said calmly and not in an inappropriate way.... "Do you get why I'm so tired these days being heavily pregnant as well".... To which he responded you don't do everything. Not the response i was looking for. I'm not sure why I was surprised to hear it because I am very unappreciated and have been for a long time. I felt there is just no gratitude what so ever and how everything I do goes unnoticed. The clearing up after him when he's had breakfast and lunch, he leaves everything behind, the emptying of dishwasher while my DS has his breakfast and clear him up. I wake up 30 minutes before my DS to ensure I'm ready while my husband lays in. The number of times I've solo parented, all at the same time I've also worked 4 days and now I'm 8.5 months pregnant. Until we moved to our new home just a month ago, I dropped and picked up my DS from nursery everyday, except maybe a couple of times. I managed all my DS appointments, washed his clothes, put them away, made sure he was presentable. Husband even refused to even cut DS nails - has never done it and DS is 20 months.... we share the cooking too.

When I stop doing anything at all usually because I'm poorly ... I get you don't do that I do that. I feel there is a delusional image of exactly how much the amount of household chores and childcare it is that we share. It's not a competition between us of who does more, that isn't what I was saying at all. It's the lack of appreciation and recognition for what I do.

All I was looking for was "Yea I get how much you do and it is hard especially that you're pregnant, I wouldn't know how that feels.... I'm helping you now so you can rest and we'll hopefully get back to normality soon and think about how we can share the workload more moving forward".

Am I wrong in all this? Is anyone else experiencing this and how are you coping?

So sorry for the long message and I hope someone will respond. I feel my MH is now really struggling and wishing I was not pregnant and don't want this baby.

I think a lot of men have not really moved with the times and believe that the woman’s place is to look after the home and raise the children but now women go to work and those responsibilities need to be shared. Even his language “helping you” indicates that he thinks it is mostly your responsibility.

Perhaps now that you are expecting another baby imminently, it is a good time to make a proper division of labour plan ?

He won’t acknowledge how much you do because he will feel it’s a criticism of him and of little he does. The resentment will destroy your relationship unless you divide the work more evenly. Do not allow him to walk away without putting dishes in the dishwasher. Take turns getting up with your son. Don’t be a martyr, demand respect or your son will grow up doing the exact same thing as his dad and you will be in a worse situation.

Men look at things differently, they do something once and they'll argue with you that they do that thing all the time.
My ex was hopeless, he'd say I only did that the other day when in reality it was 3 weeks ago and I've done it since. It just doesn't register.

Not excusing this behaviour of course, its shit and it makes you feel gaslit when they're adamant they do more than they actually do. In my experience you'll never make them see it, just make sure you look after yourself for now and don't worry too about it too much.

I’m sorry you are feeling unwell and also heavily pregnant, you must be exhausted. There is a positive in this that your DH has stepped up and taken the load today, so I’d grit your teeth and just say thank you.
The problem of unequal sharing of household and parenting tasks is ubiquitous. Women were told we can have it all and instead end up doing it all! The rot sets on on maternity leave when you are of necessity doing a lot of the parenting (letting DH sleep and dealing with night feeds because he is working, for example) and then this continues when you go back to work nearly full time.
On the positive side your DH is doing some things - a share of the cooking and the nursery pick ups, so he’s not a totally lost cause. Use the last few weeks before baby 2 arrives to think about how you can share the load more equally this time round - you may need to tag team at bedtime and each deal with one child, can he take at least one weekend morning and let you sleep in as long as you want etc
Can you speak to him about the thoughtless ways he is making your life more difficult? Why are you picking up after him like his skivvy? Ask him, every time, to put his plates in the dishwasher/sink and extend that to your children as soon as they are big enough to carry a plate. ‘In our family we all help each other out’ is a good thing to model to your kids!

The thing is he has been doing more over the last couple of months.... But what he does and what I do is not comparable yet he thinks he does much more. I don't actually mind how things are shared but it's the recognition and gratitude that I wish I had. There is also this resentment I feel towards me when I'm poorly or have asked him to do more. I hate that and how he makes me feel. I feel like I'm being treated like a robot because I normally just get on with things. It's only when I hit rock bottom like being hospitalised for being so run down that I couldn't fight off a bacterial infection that he sees the real value.

"All I was looking for was "Yea I get how much you do and it is hard especially that you're pregnant, I wouldn't know how that feels.... I'm helping you now so you can rest and we'll hopefully get back to normality soon and think about how we can share the workload more moving forward".

He's not going to say that! He's chilling while you're illing and he's not going to want to change it. It's not like he's stupid or doesn't understand...he does. He knows how much more you do and it's fine by him.

Loads of men seem to be like this. Hateful things.

Thank you, this is really useful advice! Right now I just have 0 capacity to have these conversations especially when I spoken to like I'm worth nothing but maybe when things are calmer and I'm feeling better.

Why not write a list?

his name and the daily tasks he does and then your name and the tasks you do

compare and contrast and show him in black and white how much of a disgrace he is

consider a cleaner

and do this list before your second child arrives!!!

This.

They know, they just don't want to budge or acknowledge it because they see it as capitulation that they are not the ones doing the most important bits of life.
Men hate to show appreciation especially to women because they think you should love doing these things for them.